


Just a Blip on the School Social Map

by adarna



Series: Pre-Squip Rich [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Boardwalk boys, F/M, M/M, Multi, POV First Person, Pre-Squip, Stagedorks, arson bros, boyf riends — Freeform, expensive headphones, he was dick before he was rich, just gonna post all the chapters i've written so far in one go, nope i'm not gonna write rich's dialogue in 'lisp' form, rich centric, tw: Mentions of Suicide, tw: homophobic slurs, weekly multiple updates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-31 15:45:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 54
Words: 83,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12684915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adarna/pseuds/adarna
Summary: "You don’t remember me freshman year, do you?""You didn’t go here freshman year—""Yes I did! You just didn’t notice. Nobody did!"Richard "Dick" Goranski is a bitter young boy with a broken family and tries too hard to steer clear of his thick lisp. Jake is everyone's favorite popular kid who just couldn't stop tormenting him for some complicated reason. Michael is an antisocial music fan who seems to be hiding something from everyone— even from his own awkward best friend. And Christine is a girl who Dick just couldn't quite figure out.When fifteen-year-old Dick enters his first impending year of high school, he just knows that everyone will look right through him and not remember his (embarrassing) name. But coming into this stage of his life is a lot more than he bargained for and soon enough, he will find himself engulfed in the circumstances of sexual identity, secret friendships, unrequited love, the integrity of family, and the stunning truths about the people in his life.But as long as nobody even remembers who he is, everything should be fine and dandy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [Here's an interesting commissioned art of Pre-Squip/Post-Squip Rich](https://78.media.tumblr.com/33a1878dcd6d98fc6e8e35531397de90/tumblr_oznu5weTOW1wezww6o3_1280.png) by [neek0!](http://neek0.tumblr.com)
> 
> [And check out this amazing fancover by milkhornsart! Truly amazing! :D](https://milkhornsart.tumblr.com/post/173019890410/fancover-for-just-a-blip-because-god-this)

# ONE

Rob left a plate of eggs and bacon for dad this morning like he always did despite the fact that dad would only wake up by the time Rob’s hard work had grown cold and crawling with ants. But I didn't say anything. Whenever my brother had his mind set on something, it was impossible to convince him to stray from it.

I must be lucky that he had decided to take care of me even though dad never asked him to. He always cooked our meals, kept the house clean, and did the laundry. I used to help him but he eventually told me that he liked doing things by himself.

I guess I was making more of a mess than I was cleaning.

He was in his senior year and I was about to enter my freshman year.

“People like to pick on freshmen.” He told me at the breakfast table. I didn't ask so I didn't know why he said that.

“Nobody picked on you.” I pointed out after taking the last piece of bacon and pushing my glasses back up to the bridge of my nose. “Maybe I can tell them you’re my brother.” I knew that plan was pretty naive and stupid, but I only said it for a lack of a better response. I was never much of a talker. But Rob was. And eating meals with him always required a lot of effort from my part.

I guess it required a lot from him too because I could tell he wanted me to talk more. He always tried so hard but I just couldn’t give him what he wanted.

He smiled at my response anyway and that gave me a small sense of relief.

“Maybe. I mean, look at me.” He said as he jokingly gestured to himself. “Do you actually think anyone would have the balls to pick on me?”

That was true. Rob towered over most people. Even back when we were younger, he was always the biggest kid in the playground and he liked knowing that. He always used his size to his advantage, but he never used it for self-admiration. There was a reason why my school bullies wouldn’t lay a finger on me whenever he was around.

He had recently started lifting weights so he was sorta more muscle than man.

“True.” I nodded.

And that was that. I washed the dishes and he went out to have a smoke. He used to do that secretly. But since mom passed away, he stopped being private about it. He didn't care whether or not dad caught him. And when they did cross that bridge, dad didn't say anything. It was almost like he always knew Rob smoked.

That pissed me off. I mean, it shouldn't. I didn't want my brother to get in trouble. But it still pissed me off that he was off the hook just like that. I hated it. I hated that dad didn't even give him a second glance when he caught him. I hated that Rob just shrugged him off. And I hated how I was the only one holding my breath at the time, waiting for an argument to break out. But when nothing happened, I just got even more pissed.

I was always bitter about things. It was just the way I was, I guess.

My brother and I hopped into his red 1972 Ford Bronco after I was done washing the dishes. Rob seemed eager to go back to school, but I was dreading it. I was already picked on a lot back then. And after being told that people liked to target freshmen, I could just imagine how harsher the older kids will be compared to the neighborhood bullies I’ve already encountered.

I closed my eyes and decided to let the outside noise drown out my thoughts. But even with the wind breezing past my face and Rob blasting out the feel good music of Bob Marley in his stereo, I still found myself submerged in my assortment of thoughts.

_Don’t make eye contact. Don't mention any word that has the letter S. You're invisible. Keep it that way. Don’t look at girls. Don’t talk to boys._

“What are you doing?” I heard Rob’s voice and I opened my eyes.

“Thinking.”

“Of?”

“Why do you care?”

“Isn’t it a bit too early to be having your _manstruation_ right now?”

“Why do you want to know what I’m thinking?”

“Because we’re brothers and brothers tell each other these things.”

“What things?” I fought back a frown at how my thick lisp slipped out.

“Things! Like, are you thinking about a girl?”

“Why would I be thinking about a girl?”

“Come on, Dick. Work with me here.”

I cringed then scowled at the sound of my nickname. My parents just loved to give the other kids more reasons to pick on me. I hated my nickname and I hated my real name too. Dick sounded dirty and Richard sounded boring and corporate. I heard from somewhere that I could legally change my name once I’m off-age. I wasn't sure if that was true but if it was, I’m gonna do it.

I’ve always liked the name Aiden.

We got to school pretty early-- just like how Rob liked it. He wanted to catch up with his friends over what they did for the summer. I didn't have any friends to catch up with though, so I didn't really know what to do.

I took my time looking for my locker. I tried to look as focused and busy as I could so none of the kids passing by in the hall would bother me. I maintained my gaze down as I did so in an attempt to avoid any eye contact.

But then someone suddenly ran into me and I crashed down onto my back, feeling a heavy build pressed up against me.

“Get off!” I snapped and I didn't give the person a chance to react because I shoved him off right away. Some of the kids were already looking at me and I could feel my temper rising at their ignorant stares.

I scrambled for my books, wanting to escape their judging gazes.

“What’s up your ass?” I heard a boy’s voice and I realized that it was coming from the person who crashed into me. I wanted to glare at him, but I didn’t. I just wanted to get away from everyone.

I ran off like I always did.


	2. Chapter 2

# TWO

I’ve decided that I hate my locker.

Among the long list of things I hate.

But there was a good reason why I hated it. The previous person who used it left a lot of stickers inside. I didn’t know how they got away with it but they did. The lock was suspiciously sticky and it took me a while to wipe it clean. And the door creaked a lot.

But all of that was just the tip of the iceberg.

What I hated the most about my locker was that it was right beside the locker of someone who was loud and talkative. He wasn’t like Rob who loved to talk to other people though. No, this guy was different.

He always had a lot to say but only to his friend.

They seemed to enjoy just standing around near his locker. I didn't like listening in on other people’s conversations. The less I knew about them, the better. But that was nearly impossible to do with this guy.

Every day, we would go to our lockers at the same time and he always had his tall awkward friend tailing behind him.

The other day, I learned that his name was Michael and he liked eel in his sushi.

Yesterday, I learned that his mom taught him how to make lemon bars. They made them for this charity event and as much as he liked to give, he didn’t like having to do the hard work for it. 

And today, I learned that he was half-Filipino and half-Ecuadorian, liked Bob Marley too, and that his friend’s name was Jeremy.

At least he never noticed me. But I figured he still wouldn't talk to me even if he did. We had three classes together and I never saw him talk to anyone else aside from Jeremy.

That was the only thing I liked about him.

But I wasn't comfortable knowing a lot about him.


	3. Chapter 3

# THREE

People started making fun of my lisp. It started in English class when our overly enthusiastic teacher made me stand up and recite a tongue-twister as an icebreaker.

I didn't want to do it at first, but that just made her even more persistent. She clearly knew I was uncomfortable but she made me do it anyway. She probably thought she was helping me build up my confidence like how most teachers loved to misinterpret. They always made things socially worse for their students whether it was on purpose or not.

_I saw Susie sitting in a shoe shine shop._ _  
_ _Where she sits she shines, and where she shines she sits._

That was what she wanted me to say.

But what I said was:

_“I thaw Thuthie thitting in a shoe shine shop._ _  
_ _Where she thitth she shineth, and where she shineth she thitth.”_

Jake Dillinger specifically tormented me everyday after that. He turned out to be the same guy who ran into me on the first day of school so maybe this was his way of getting back at me for being snappy about it.

Yesterday, he called me “Sissy Susie” while impersonating my lisp.

Today, he slammed my lunch tray to my chest and spilled my food all over my shirt. He then called me a dwarf.

I wanted to punch him. Smash his nose in. Make him burst into tears, but I knew better than to cause trouble. Rob had enough on his plate and I doubted that dad will even care enough to come if the principal called him over.

“H-Hey… um…” I looked up from my shirt which I was washing in the boy’s restroom to find Jeremy watching me, his fingers twitching on his sides. It was weird seeing him without Michael by his side. He looked even more awkward standing a bit hunched like that. It was hard to notice his tall height.

“What?” I asked. I probably sounded mad because he jumped a bit. I _was_ mad, just not at him. I was cold and shirtless and I just wanted to go home.

“Are… well, are you okay?”

I resumed washing the stains off my shirt. “Do I look like I’m okay?”

“I-I-- no.”

I walked over to the hand dryer to dry my shirt only to find out that it was under maintenance. I cussed under my breath and slammed my fist on the tiled wall as if it was Jake’s face. I heard Jeremy squeak in surprise and that weirded me out a bit.

What kind of guy makes that sound?

“My buddy--” He started. “--Michael, can lend his hoodie to you for now if you want.”

I looked at him. “Why?”

“I… I don’t understand the question.”

“Why are you helping me?”

He combed his greasy brown hair with his shaky fingers. “I dunno… I feel bad?”

His answer just pissed me off even more. The last thing I needed was to be pitied but I wasn’t really in the position to complain. I still had two more classes to take and I couldn’t do that without my shirt on. I wasn’t as attractively toned as my brother was.

Besides, Jeremy was just trying to be nice.

I shouldn't hate him for that, maybe.

“Will Michael be fine with that?” I asked in a more patient tone.

“Sure.” Jeremy smiled a bit. “He likes helping people. Yesterday, he found this stray kitten and--”

“I don’t need to know that.”

“Oh. Sorry. I’ll go get him.”

When Jeremy left, I looked back at my reflection in the mirror and immediately hated what I saw. Pale, short, and skinny. That’s what I looked like. My glasses were really thick so my eyes looked bigger than they already did and my brown bangs were always getting in the way of my sight.

No wonder I was an easy target.

I looked like a dweeb.

I _was_ a dweeb

Maybe I did need a haircut just as Rob had suggested. I wondered what Jeremy thought of me when he first saw me.

Why was I even wondering about that?

Maybe because he was the first person in school to show me some form of kindness.

I dunno.

He eventually returned with Michael. Michael already had his hoodie off and I noticed that he had been wearing a black shirt underneath it that had a meaningful Pac-Man print. It was Pac-Man on his way to eat the ghosts that were dressed in a Ku Klux Klan attire. There were the words **END RACISM** on it too.

He gave me a polite shy smile. It was weird seeing it. He didn't smile like that at Jeremy, and I never saw him smile at anyone else. He always had his hood up whenever he was alone and I came to realize he did that so nobody could bother him.

“I like your shirt.” I said after accepting his hoodie.

“Thanks.” His smile grew a bit brighter, but still mild. He didn't say anything after that and that just confirmed my theory that he really didn't like talking to anyone else but Jeremy.

I wondered what it must be like to have a friend who liked you and only you.

I put his plain red hoodie on and it smelled like coconut soap. It was a bit bigger on me but I liked it.

“I owe ya.” I said to the two of them as I reached for my drenched shirt.

“Don’t mention it.” Jeremy sounded pleased. “I’m Jeremy.”

“I know.” I didn't want to introduce myself. That would mean I’ll be obligated to greet them every time we pass by. I didn’t like my name anyway and they didn’t need to hear it. “I’ll give the hoodie back tomorrow. Bye.”

I then brushed past them without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're curious, I described the print on Michael's shirt based on [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/BXtc4MMAo6z/?taken-by=georgesalazar) which was posted by George Salazar himself :)


	4. Chapter 4

# FOUR

Dad noticed Michael’s hoodie when I got home.

“Is that new?”

“No. Someone lent it to me.”

“Why?”

“Because my shirt was wet.”

“Why?”

“Because people are assholes.”

“Okay.”

He then went back to watching his show. Rob was way more inquisitive than he was. He wanted to know whose hoodie it was in particular and if that person was a new friend of mine. I turned down all of his questions with a simple “I dunno” and he just gave up then and there. He was probably too tired to try today.

I went upstairs and changed out of the hoodie to a fresh new shirt. I liked the hoodie though. It smelled really nice, but it wasn’t mine.

And I had to wash it.

When I went back downstairs to head for the laundry room, I found Rob picking up the empty cans of beer dad had left on the floor. I didn’t see dad anywhere so I assumed he was in the bathroom. When our eyes met, Rob gave me a look of knowing disbelief and shrugged his shoulders. I hung Michael’s hoodie over the couch and helped him clean up.

* * *

Dad joined us for dinner that night. It was a first since mom passed away, but he was quiet. He didn’t say anything. He just sat down with his meal and started eating the baked teriyaki chicken that Rob made. Rob tried to make small talk but it wasn’t working-- especially since he was pretty much the only talkative one at the table. Dad didn’t like to talk, and neither did I.

He wasn’t always like this though.

He used to be full of life. He was quirky and played music in the house a lot. Before the tragedy, there was a time when the general mood of our house was always light and cheerful and that was easily because dad liked to play the music of The Proclaimers and Cyndi Lauper in full blast-- the latter artist being mom’s favorite.

He used to dance with her in the living room or in the kitchen and they would invite me and Rob to join them. Of course Rob never missed out on a chance to have fun but I always preferred to just stay on my seat and watch them. I was never a good dancer, but so was dad and that didn’t stop him.

Looking back at it now, I wished I danced with them at least once. It must be nice for Rob to have a memory of himself dancing with mom.

* * *

Jake called me a fag the next day and I didn’t know why, but I didn’t bother to ask. I didn’t want to have any sort of interactions with him. Just seeing him was enough to piss me off. After getting shoved into the wall and having my glasses get tossed away, I took a deep breath in an attempt to cool myself down. Jake had already left me alone by then to join his laughing friends. I hated seeing him happy.

I reached for my glasses but someone beat me to it.

It was Brooke Lohst. I recognized her from gym class. Really pretty and really blonde.

She smiled at me and handed me my glasses.

I found myself smiling back a bit. “Thanks.” I said before realizing that I had let out my lisp.

She didn’t seem to notice, or maybe she didn’t care. “No problem. Just don’t mind Jake. I’ve known him since kindergarten and he has always been kinda like that.”

“Why do people even like him?” I asked as I put my glasses back on.

She shrugged. “Maybe because he’s rich and handsome?”

“Do _you_ like him?”

“Chloe likes him, but I don’t. I just pretend that I do.”

“Why?”

“Because everyone else does.”

I didn’t like the sound of that. High school turned out to be all about being obligated to like everything that everyone else liked and I wanted no part of it. I didn’t think I was superior for not wanting to be part of it though. I just thought that doing what Brooke did required too much effort and I didn’t like making any effort.

After thanking her, I went straight for my locker and found Michael as expected.

He was alone this time, and _that_ was not what I expected.

“Hey.” I said as I opened my locker and settled my backpack inside to open it and pull his hoodie out.

“Hi.” I heard the shy smile in his voice.

“Here.” I gave him his hoodie back. The scent of coconut was replaced by the scent of green apple fabric conditioner. I watched him take it away from my grip and I held my breath, wondering if he was going to like the new scent or not. Personally, I liked its original scent better but I had to wash it after using it.

“Thanks.” He kept his smile on. “It smells different.”

“Yeah, I washed it.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“Nah, I had to. It’s common courte--.” I immediately stopped myself when I realized I had let my guard down on my lisp again. I looked away and pretended to be fixing my backpack.

“Thanks.” Michael said again. He didn’t seem to have noticed. “I like the way it smells.”

Just as he said this, Jeremy arrived and I was forgotten.

That’s fine though. I preferred it that way.


	5. Chapter 5

# FIVE

Our gym coach was a CrossFit elitist and seemed to be very keen on pretending she was handling a professional CrossFit program. But the realistic thing was, she wasn’t. She was just teaching a bunch of freshmen how to serve a volleyball properly. Still, that didn’t stop some of my physically fit classmates from acting like they were participating in the fucking Olympics.

Jake in particular liked to show off.

He had hit me with the ball a lot of times by now and I could tell he was making sure not to aim at my head. That would have sent him to the principal’s office.

“Are you even trying, Dick?” Our gym coach asked me in genuine disbelief.

I just pushed my frames up to the bridge of my nose and shrugged. “Not really.”

“That’s not something you should admit to your teacher, you know.”

“Weren’t we taught to be truthful to one another?” 

“Keep that attitude up and I might let Dillinger hit you on the head this time.”

“I appreciate your tender loving care.”

She then made me sit to the side so the other kids could have their turns. Jake never left his spot in the game and judging by the sickeningly sweet grin on his face, it was obvious that he enjoyed being the coach’s favorite. He was everyone’s favorite. He was smart, handsome, rich, and respectful to the adults-- the impeccable wet dream of every high school teacher. 

High school was easy for him.

He had nothing to worry about. He didn’t have to avoid eye contact nor did he have to worry over whether or not he was going to be made fun of today. Living a worry-free life sounded nice. It was weird why he-- of all people-- was given that kind of fortune.

I looked around the gym and found Jeremy and Michael sitting next to each other not too far away from me. Michael and I were playing on the same team earlier but he faked a headache and was given a break. I was pretty sure our coach just didn’t want him to play anymore because he was just as bad as I was. 

I shifted my gaze to the other side and saw Brooke and Chloe sitting on the bleachers, chatting happily. I didn’t see them ever participating in the activity but I didn’t really care.

When I looked away, I was surprised to find Jake making his way towards me.

“Fuck.” I cussed under my breath as I mentally braced myself for whatever he had in store for me.

But he just stood in front of me, his lips pressed together in an impatient line.

I stared up at him. “What do you want?”

“Coach said I should give you some tips on volleyball.”

“No.”

“That wasn’t an offer.”

“Still no.”

_ “Thill no.”  _ He mocked me and I scowled at him before kicking his shin.

Or at least I  _ wished  _ that I kicked it but he was too fast. He raised his foot before I could make any contact.

“Just get up, faggot. Let’s get this over and done with.”

“I don’t want you teaching me.” 

“You don’t have much of a choice here.”

“Go teach Michael.”

“He has a headache.”

“He faked that.”

“Oh, so you know him that well now?”

I looked back at Michael and saw him laughing with Jeremy as if his headache never happened at all. There was no way I was the only one who saw through his act. I suddenly felt Jake grabbing my arm and roughly pulling me up to my feet. I staggered a bit and yanked my arm away from his grip.

“Follow me.” He smacked the back of my head and walked up ahead to the far end of the gym.

I caught our coach’s eye and she gave me a very challenging look. I put my hands up in surrender and followed Jake.

Jake started teaching me how to serve a volleyball. It turned out to be easier than I thought, or maybe Jake was just a really good teacher. I wasn’t going to tell him that though. His ego was big enough as it was. He didn’t even call me any names while he taught me. He was acting more of a coach than our own coach was. He was strangely patient and looked like he really knew what he was talking about which was really reassuring. Every time I did it wrong, he’d just pat me on the back and tell me to try again. He wasn’t condescending in any way whatsoever. It was clear that he really loved gym class.

For the first time, I managed to hit the ball with the heel of my hand perfectly.

And Jake smiled at me like a proud parent.

He had a nice smile, I realized. No wonder people just let his nasty personality fall between the cracks. I wished I could smile like he could-- suave and easy. Maybe if I had his smile, I wouldn’t mind talking and laughing with other people.


	6. Chapter 6

# SIX

Rob brought Jevonne along with us to his pickup truck after school. I had no choice but to sit at the rear bed while his best friend sat with him inside. We all fit inside the vehicle but I wasn’t exactly comfortable having my knee pressed up against someone else’s. I didn’t mind anyway. I liked Jevonne. Maybe he was the only guy I liked outside my family.

He was really nice and knew when to stop asking questions, unlike Rob.

I always wished that his judgment of atmosphere would rub off on my brother but Rob wasn’t one to be easily influenced by others no matter how close he was with them.

When the vehicle stopped at a red light, I looked off to the side and saw Chloe walking out of the convenience store with Jake. I felt my entire frame stiffening up by the mere sight of them and I immediately slouched down just a bit so they wouldn’t catch sight of me. But then I felt stupid for doing so and straightened back up. They wouldn’t notice me. They never did unless Jake was in the mood to pick on someone.

And I doubted that he would pick on me if he saw me right now. I was with the school’s linebacker and quarterback.

Just as I had expected, they didn’t even glance at my direction.

Chloe had this big sweet smile on her face as she twirled a few strands of her dark hair around her finger. Brooke wasn’t lying when she said her best friend liked Jake. And Jake was obviously reveling on the attention and attraction one of the prettiest freshmen of the school was giving him.

That made sense. I guessed I’d be just as contented knowing a really pretty girl smiled at me like that.

But that was never going to happen.

Rob dropped me off at our house and told me that he’ll be home late. Jevonne gave me a small pack of Reese’s Pieces, saying that he bought it specifically for me because he remembered how happy I was when I got a huge pack of it for Halloween when I was nine. I didn’t think it was possible for me to even like him more.

After they drove off, I went straight into our house and found dad passed out on the couch. His fingers were still dipped inside a bowl of Cheetos and he had his mouth hanging wide open.

I set my backpack aside and started cleaning the living room up.

I then helped dad move up to his bedroom and he crashed onto his bed with a grunt.

“Thanks kid.” I heard him mumble and then he was passed out again just like that.

* * *

I decided to do my homework on the front porch instead of locking myself up in my room again. The sun had already started dipping behind the horizon and painted the sky pink and orange just the way I liked it. It was my favorite time of day-- not too hot but not too cold either. There was just something relaxing about seeing the afternoon sky slowly fade into evening. Mom and I used to go out and sit on this very same porch nearly every day to watch the sunset.

She would tell me about all the crazy shenanigans she had gone through during her younger years and I would always crack up at her wacky stories. She used to ride the skateboard when she was fourteen and she popped her knee when she underestimated her fall. Instead of rushing her to the hospital, her friends traced the outline of her body with a chalk first for no reason. _Then_ they brought her to the hospital.

She also joined an underground heavy metal band when she was nineteen. She was their drummer and was seen as the best one in their scene. It was hard to imagine my own mom-- the lady who loved to knit and spend time with my dorky _button-your-shirt-all-the-way-up-to-your-neck_ dad-- banging on a drum set to rowdy screaming music. But she had the pictures to prove it and I realized there was no use doubting her.

Mom really made the best out of her youth.

How did she do it?

And how come I didn’t get any of her spontaneity and tenacity?

It almost seemed like Rob hogged all of that to himself.

“Excuse me!”

I looked up from my textbook and saw a short chubby girl standing on the sidewalk near our front yard, concern written all over her round lightly tanned face. She seemed to be around my age. I looked around to see if she was talking to someone else but after seeing that there was nobody there but me, I looked back at her.

“What do you want?”

She fiddled with the rounded edge of her skirt. “Have you seen my dog?”

“Dog?”

“Yeah.”

“What breed?”

“American Pit Bull Terrier.”

“Name?”

“Courage.”

“From the cartoon?”

She smiled a bit. “Yeah.”

“Cool.”

“Thanks.”

I went back to working on my homework. But from the corner of my sight, I could still see her standing on the sidewalk. Maybe she’ll go away if I focus hard enough on solving all these math problems. I heard her footsteps drawing near me and I looked up to see her walking over to me, her hands folded behind her.

“What now?” I asked.

She stopped at the bottom of the steps and pouted at me. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Have you seen Courage?”

“No.”

“I saw him go this way.”

“Okay, sure.”

“Can you help me find him?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because that’s what a nice boy would do?”

She smiled at me the same way Chloe smiled at Jake. But I knew she was faking it. She only wanted me to help her find her stupid dog. I decided that I didn’t want a pretty girl smiling at me after all.

She didn’t look like the kind of person who would back down so I sighed and set my textbook aside.

“Fine.”

Her smile grew brighter and genuine as she clapped her hands eagerly like an excited chipmunk. I found her smile better this way but I didn’t say that. I just stood up and followed her to where she thought Courage went. She turned out be just as talkative as Rob was, though all she ever talked about was _Courage this and Courage that._

I couldn’t bring myself to tell her to shut up. It wouldn’t feel right when she looked so happy. I didn’t even know what she was so happy about when her dog was missing and she was walking with a boy who only nodded and shrugged throughout the conversation. She didn’t seem to mind my lack of response to anything she said though. She was far too invested in what she had to say.

When she said that Courage farted on her dad’s face at one point, I laughed.

I didn’t laugh often but she brought it out of me.

And I didn’t even mind.

“I like your laugh.” She said with a cute giggle. “I was beginning to think that I’m probably not as funny as I thought I was.”

“You’re funny.” I shrugged. “You have a lot of crazy stories to tell.”

She suddenly stopped walking and just stared at me. “You have a lisp.”

And just like that, the feeling of contentment inside me disappeared and I felt heat rush up to my face. I jammed my hands into the pockets of my jacket and glared at her. Why did she have to point that out? I knew I had a lisp. I was born with it. What else was I supposed to do?

“What’s it to you?” I snapped.

She jumped at my tone. “N-Nothing! I just noticed it!”

“Screw you. I’m out.” I turned around and walked away, feeling a huge sense of frustration building up inside my chest.

I should just say _no_ to every request thrown my way.


	7. Chapter 7

# SEVEN

I found the same girl sitting on our front porch when Rob and I got home from school the next day. A huge brown American Pit Bull Terrier was lying down on the grass at the bottom of the steps.

It looked like she found Courage.

“Can I help you?” Rob was the first one to acknowledge her.

Courage noticed our arrival and was quick on his feet. Rob jumped in surprise but the dog didn’t even give him a glance-- he went straight for me. I didn’t know why  _ I  _ didn’t jump. I was never a fan of dogs. I got bit by one when I was eight and crashed down from my bike and fell on a damn sleeping canine. Strangely enough, that certain moment in my life never left a trace of trauma in me.

Courage started licking my hand and naturally, I gave him a pat on the head.

The girl stood up from the front porch and dusted her dress. She smiled shyly at Rob. 

“I’m here for him.” She gestured to me.

“Really?” Rob sounded impressed. “Are you a friend of his?”

“Yes--”

“No.”  I opposed.

She frowned at me for a second but then smiled at Rob again. “We’re friends. I’m Christine. Christine Canigula.”

“Canigula? Oh! You’re the family that just moved in last week, right?” Rob jutted his thumb over his shoulder towards the direction of where she presumably lived.

Her smile grew brighter. “Yeah, that’s right! You helped my dad fix his car the other day.”

“It was nothin’. We neighbors gotta stick together, yeah?”

“Right! We actually used to live in the next neighborhood but my mom thinks our house is haunted. But anyway, everyone’s been really nice so far and I’ve grown to love the small park nearby.”

“That used to be Dick’s favorite place as well. He liked to hide under the slide and just write whatever the hell he used to write.”

“Dick…” Christine then looked at me, clearly pleased that she now knew what to call me. Then I remembered her pointing out my lisp yesterday and that left a sour taste in my mouth.

“I don’t like you. Leave me alone.” I flat out told her and tried to leave but Rob held my arm.

“That’s not how you treat a girl, Dick.”

“Piss off.” I pulled away from him with a scowl. 

“N-No, it’s okay.” Christine intervened. “I… owe him an apology. If you don’t mind, can I talk to Dick in private?”

“Okay.” Rob smiled at her. “Just call me if he causes trouble.”

I didn’t know why he said that when I never caused any trouble for this family aside from getting sent to the principal’s office for being a victim of bullying. 

As soon as we were left alone, Christine cleared her throat and flattened the skirt of her dress.

“Um, Dick--”

“Don’t call me that.” 

“O-Oh. What should I call you then?”

I didn’t answer. I just stared her down and hoped that she would get so uncomfortable that she’ll wind up walking away. 

But she didn’t.

“Okay.” She brushed her long black hair behind her ear. “Whatever. I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. Or rather, I didn’t mean to come off as though I was making fun of you. I did enjoy hanging out with you even though you don’t talk as much. I don’t have any friends in this neighborhood and I think we were fated to be friends when we came across each other yesterday.”

“Fate?  _ You  _ came to  _ me  _ and wouldn’t leave me alone.”

“Don’t be a dick, Dick.” She frowned but then suddenly flinched at her words and covered her mouth with her hands, her face going red. 

It was probably her face or the pun she used but there was something about what just happened that made me laugh. 

And somehow, she started laughing with me.

“Not big on profanity, huh?” I found myself teasing her.

She giggled. “Mom would have  _ crucified  _ me if she heard!”

We laughed again.

And again.

And then some more.

Courage had gotten ridiculously excited and just started barking at us. Christine patted his head to calm him down before grinning back at me.

“Are we… Are we cool?”

I wanted to say no but I was still calming down from cracking up just a few seconds ago. It probably wouldn’t be right to stay mad at her when she made me laugh twice now. And I didn’t mind her presence as much as I minded most kids. 

I eventually found myself smiling back at her and nodding my head.

“We’re cool.”


	8. Chapter 8

# EIGHT

I wasn’t able to buy the expensive textbook our Geometry teacher required us to buy simply because it was too fucking expensive. I didn’t want to ask Rob for money and I knew better than to ask dad. He didn’t have a job. Aunt Rosie-- mom’s older sister-- was the only reason why we were still even going to school and had a roof over our heads.

Luckily, there was one copy of the book in the school library but we weren’t allowed to take it outside.

So imagine my dismay when Jake and I reached for it at the same time.

Being the athlete that he was, he was quicker than I was and snatched the book out of the shelf. I didn’t want to back down. Not this time. I didn’t want to fail this class. So without a second thought, I reached out and got my hand on the book. He then tried to pull away but I didn’t want to let go so he just pretty much pulled me up against him.

“You’re not gonna let go, you little fag?” He stared me down.

I tightened my grip on the book and glared back at him. “I found it earlier than you did.”

“Oh? You ready to prove that?”

“Why do you even need it? Aren’t you rich enough to afford your own?”

“Look at you trying to act all big for someone so small.”

“Fuck you.”

“You wish.”

I growled in frustration and tried to pull the book away but to no avail. Jake just laughed at me and I kicked his shin. Much to my satisfaction, I actually hit him this time and he loosened his hold on the book.

“You little shit!” He snapped at me.

I tried to turn and run away but he grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me against the wall. I dropped the book down on the floor and looked up at him, my glasses askewed and my heart racing. I knew what was coming next and while it may not be my first black eye, I was still scared.

_Shit, I was still scared._

“Mr. Dillinger!”

The librarian’s sharp voice broke through the tension and Jake looked back over his shoulder. I peeked up to find the old lady watching us with a fierce glare. Jake immediately let me go and turned to face her, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck in shame.

“Sorry, Mrs. Davidson. I lost my cool.”

Mrs. Davidson didn’t look impressed. “This is a library. Keep your antics out of it. What in the world were you two arguing about?”

I tried to be as discreet as possible by quietly picking the book up and walking away, but then Jake tugged my arm to keep me still. He then pointed at the book in my hand.

“This guy was trying to steal this book from me.”

“What-- no I didn’t!” I protested but when he sent me an icy glare, I clamped my mouth shut.

Mrs. Davidson rubbed her temples and sighed. “I don’t need two boys fighting over a textbook in my library. That book is not even allowed to leave the building so if I were you, I would learn how to _share_ . Now go take your seats and be _quiet._ ” She didn’t leave any more room for discussion by walking back to her desk without another word.

Jake and I shared a glance and he scowled at me.

“You’re dead.”

“I wish.”

My response apparently took him by surprise because his glare faltered a bit, but then he just shook his head. “Whatever. Let’s just get this over and done with.”

Most of the tables in the library weren’t occupied so it wasn’t hard looking for one. As soon as we started sharing the textbook and doing our homework, Jake kept pulling the book closer to himself. Every time he did so, I would just quietly tug it back to its original spot without taking my eyes off of my work. After nearly half an hour, he started scratching his head and mumbling under his breath.

It wasn’t a pleasant distraction so I put my pen down and looked at him.

“Need help?”

He glared at me again. “Mind your own business.”

“Fine.”

I resumed my attention on my work. I only had one more item to solve and I could finally leave. But when I heard Jake mumbling and grunting in clear frustration again, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and redirect my eyes back at him.

“Do you want my help or not?”

“I don’t.”

“Then quit fidgeting around.”

“Watch your mouth, you fag.”

I scowled at the slur. “Why do you even call me that? Where did you get the impression that I’m gay? And even if I am, why won’t you let it go?”

A slight look of embarrassment flickered on his face but then it was instantly replaced by an annoyed one.

“I’m not an idiot. I know you’re secretly dating that antisocial headphones kid.”

_What?_

I blinked twice. “Who?”

“That kid who’s always in a red hoodie and has his headphones up.”

“You mean Michael?”

“I dunno his name but maybe.”

“Have you been telling people that?”

He scoffed in obvious derision. “What kind of douchebag do you think I am? It’s not my business to tell.”

Huh. At least he didn’t go around telling people shitty rumors. But still, why did he think I was dating Michael? I'm fifteen. Dating wasn’t exactly the top priority for most fifteen-year-old’s-- or at least that’s what I thought.

“Where did you get that idea?” I asked, frowning.

“I saw you wearing his hoodie once.”

“And?”

“Only couples do that, idiot.”

“That’s stupid.”

_“That’th thupid.”_

I kicked his leg and he punched my arm-- not as hard as I expected though.

“Keep your homophobia to yourself.” I rubbed my arm anyway. “I’m not gay.”

He snorted a laugh at that. “Yeah, sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night, fruit loop.”

God, he’s such an asshole.


	9. Chapter 9

# NINE

I still ended up helping Jake with his homework in spite of him still being a complete asshole towards me. At least I didn’t owe him anything anymore for helping me at gym class. When I left the library, I didn’t head for the parking lot like I always did. Rob wouldn’t be there anymore. I told him earlier that I was going to spend a few hours in the school library and even though he told me to call him when I’m done, I didn’t.

I wanted to be alone, I guess.

So I walked.

I stopped by at the convenience store first to buy some snacks but when I found Brooke and Chloe, I stepped out right away. They never really picked on me, I knew that. Brooke was actually a pretty nice girl, but she was still associated with Chloe who liked to laugh with Jake every time Jake tried to make my life a living hell. For all I knew, Chloe could be much more creative and merciless than the guy she had been pining on.

I decided to stand around outside first until they leave.

When I heard the door to the store swing open, I quickly turned my back to them and held my breath.

“Maybe it was just a misunderstanding?” I heard Brooke say.

“Nu-uh! If it came from Jenna Rolan, then it _must_ be true.”

“C’mon, Jake totally likes you! I’ve never seen him look at other girls the way he looks at you.”

“You think so?”

“I _know_ so!”

As soon as their voices faded out, I peeked over my shoulder to see that they’ve already walked away.

I guess dating was a priority to some fifteen-year-old’s.

That made me feel immature and inadequate.

Whatever.

* * *

When I got home, I saw Christine sitting on the front porch with Courage again. She was eating a cookie-- most likely given by Rob-- and reading a comic book this time. But upon further inspection, I realized that she was reading _my_ comic book without _my_ permission. I frowned at the sight and marched up towards her. Courage instinctively got up to his feet to greet me and while I couldn’t resist petting him, I still managed to maintain my glare on the girl.

“Hey, where did you get that?”

Christine looked up, a questioning look on her face. “Your brother baked some. I think there’s still a few left--”

“Not the cookie. _That!_ ” I pointed at the #17 issue of Batman: Shadow of the Bat which was probably a bit greased up from her cookie-stained fingers. Just thinking about it made me cringe.

“Oh. Your brother gave it to me.” Christine shrugged as she closed the book shut. “I got bored waiting for you. What took you so long anyway?”

I cussed under my breath and snatched the book from her hands before quickly inspecting every page to see if she had folded or ripped anything. Maybe I was overreacting, but I didn’t care. It wasn’t just any comic book-- it was mom’s. It was one of the only things that remained standing from her Batman collection when she was younger before grandpa made her sell the rest because of some financial problem.

Was it weird to get sentimental over a comic book? We still have a few things that belonged to mom at home, but she gave this book specifically to _me_. Maybe it wasn’t weird if I looked at it that way. People loved to justify their own reactions no matter how hysterical they get and apparently, I was one of them.

“Helloooo?” Christine sang as she stood up from the front porch. “Earth to Dick?”

“I thought I told you not to call me that?” I looked back at her bitingly.

“Well what do you want me to call you?”

I paused. That was a good question. I tried to think of a really cool nickname but Christine was apparently far too impatient at this point for she rolled her eyes and threw her head back dramatically.

“Oh geez, I’ll just call you Grumpy.”

I frowned. “Grumpy? Why?”

“Your face pretty much answered my question.” She giggled, pointing at my face. Self-consciously, I quickly let my frown ease off. “It’s a character from Snow White. Have you ever read or watched Snow White and the Seven Dwarves?”

“No, not really.”

“Don’t. It’s terrible. It encourages the glamorization of skin whitening.”

“Okay.”

“But I love the dwarves!” She squealed excitedly. “And you remind me of Grumpy the Dwarf!”

I found myself frowning again. “Are you calling me a dwarf now?”

“You’re still taller than me, you know. You really need to know how to love yourself.”

“Why, do you?”

She stopped for a second or two, but then she narrowed her eyes at me. “Touché.”

“Touché.”

“Well anyway, wanna go to the park and check your favorite spot out? Rob said you rarely go there anymore.”

That was true. Back then, I used to hide under the huge slide at the park and just write. Normally, you’d write the things that actually happened to you on a journal but mine was different. I wrote different things-- things that I _wished_ could have happened on that day. Like when mom tried to make lemon chicken for the first time and ended up burning it, I wrote that she made her usual sloppy joe instead and it was just as good as always. Or when I tried to stand up against the bigger kids after seeing them picking on a girl and I just got my ass handed to me, I wrote that I managed to duck their hits and escape with the girl who I later befriended.

But I didn’t befriend the girl.

She didn’t even remember me when we bumped into each other.

“Okay.” I decided to join Christine to the park.

But when we got there, the place was teeming with so many kids that I had to reach out and hold Christine’s wrist to stop her from walking any closer. She turned back to me with a confused expression.

“What’s wrong?”

I looked at her then at the park. I didn’t even recognize most of the kids there anymore and frankly, I didn’t plan on ever recognizing them. They were loud and all over the place. Hideous memories of bigger kids shoving dirt to my face and stealing my toys flashed in my mind. I then looked back at her.

“I don’t know them.” I admitted.

“Yeah, so do I. But it’s not like we’re gonna play with them.”

“Can’t we just go do something else?” I hated myself for saying that.

“Don’t you wanna check out your favorite spot?”

“Not right now, no. Come on.” I tugged her away as far as possible from the park and strangely enough, she just let me without any complaints. Maybe she sensed my discomfort. Maybe she was more understanding than I gave her credit for.

When we got near our house, I let go of her.

“Are you okay?” She asked and she sounded genuinely concerned. It threw me off a bit.

“I’m fine.” I avoided her gaze. “Wanna play video games in my room?”

And just like that, her bright smile was back. “Sure!”

So we played video games. She didn’t ask about my passed out father on the couch nor did she ask why the house reeked of alcohol and old cheese. She didn’t comment on anything about our house except that she really liked my room-- it was clean and organized just the way I liked it.

When we started playing, I have come to learn that Christine was an unbelievably competitive person.

Even if she wasn’t familiar with the game, she would go out of her way to beat me. All the loving sweetness she liked to show others dropped out of sight just like that. And whenever she lost, she would demand a rematch. It was either her victory or a rematch-- that was how her mind worked. I was worried that she might end up breaking my controller by the way she smashed the buttons but something told me that it would be better to let her use it the way she wanted to use it.

It was a whole new side of her that I didn’t even know she had.

And somehow, I enjoyed her company.


	10. Chapter 10

# TEN

Jeremy didn’t go to school today.

And that only meant one thing: Michael was alone.

When I walked into the cafeteria, I saw him sitting by himself at their usual table. He had his hood and his headphones on like he always did whenever he wasn’t with Jeremy. It was weird seeing him without his best friend by his side. I shrugged it off and headed for my own table but stopped when I realized that Jake and his friends have occupied it.

Jake caught my eye and he smirked before flipping the bird at me.

The bastard.

I looked around in search for another table while trying my very best not to look at anyone specifically. But then I suddenly felt my heart lurch when I saw Christine not too far away from me, occupying a table with several girls I didn’t recognize. I didn’t even know she went to this school. How did I never notice her and how did she not notice me?

I wanted to approach her. Sit with her. Eat with her. Talk to her. Because then maybe I wouldn’t look so much of a loner.

But she was with too many people and I didn’t want to be a bother.

I eventually found myself gazing back at Michael’s table. He didn't really like talking to people so maybe we could eat together in silence. I wasn't opposed to that. I tightened my grip on my lunch tray, dragged a deep intake of breath, and made way towards him. When I reached him, he looked up from his phone and just stared at me questioningly. He didn't even put his headphones down. Maybe he thought I was just passing by.

I smiled at him awkwardly and gestured to the chair across from him.

He looked at the chair then back at me before shrugging his shoulders and going back to fiddling with his phone. I took that as an _okay_ and sat down.

Just as I thought, we didn't talk. I ate my lunch while he just focused on his phone and munched on his sandwich.

I don't think he remembered me.

* * *

“Now that we got that out of the way, I need you children to pair up for the assignment.” Mr. Lockett announced as he started erasing all the writings on the board. I slouched on my seat and looked around as subtly as I could. All of my classmates were already leaving their seats to join their best friends, eager smiles plastered on their faces and I couldn’t blame them. It must be fun to work on a project with your best friend since you get to spend the entire day with them at their place and no parent would be around to tell you that there was still a strict curfew to follow.

If education was involved, then parents always knew better than to get in the way of their kid’s opportunity to bump up their grades.

I then thought of Christine and imagined what it would be like to have her as my partner. I could tell that she wasn’t just a perky girl, but a smart one too. She had all these different strategies in beating me at every single game we played the other day. She probably would have taken charge if we were paired up and I would just let her. And sure enough, she would try to squeeze in the topic of Courage into our conversation every now and then like she always did.

Her handwriting must be really nice and pretty too.

But she wasn’t in my class.

So I was left alone.

I could feel some of the kids looking at me in either amusement or pity. I was probably the only one without a partner but I couldn’t find it in myself to check. I was too embarrassed to look around anymore.

And just as I dreaded, Mr. Lockett asked the impending question that always called my isolation out:

“Who still doesn’t have a partner?”

I maintained my eyes down at my desk, cold sweat running down my forehead. My stomach knotted up and my pulse pounded in my temples as I felt everyone’s eyes on me. I didn’t want to raise my hand but it wasn’t like I had a choice in the matter. I slowly glanced up and saw Mr. Lockett also watching me with an expectant look on his face. Why did he have to wait for me to raise my hand when he could clearly tell I was alone?

What could teachers possibly get out of publicly humiliating their students?

I bit my lip and was about to raise my hand when Mr. Lockett’s head snapped up to someone else instead.

“Oh, Mr. Mell?” He acknowledged.

I immediately looked back over my shoulder to find Michael sitting at the back of the class and putting his hand down right away, not exactly looking at anyone. He shrugged at Mr. Lockett’s acknowledgement just like how he had shrugged at me at the cafeteria.

“Well then, Mr. Mell. Since you and Mr. Goranski don’t have partners yet, you two will be paired up for the assignment.” Our teacher beamed without a single trace of self-awareness. No surprise there. “Sounds good?”

I just nodded and I didn’t have to look back to know that Michael had merely shrugged again.

I then felt Jake kick my chair from behind and I already knew what was going through his mind.

“Fags.” He whispered to me before snickering with his friends.


	11. Chapter 11

# ELEVEN

Michael was still rather quiet when I introduced him to Rob the second we got to the parking lot after school. There was a proud smile on Rob’s face when he saw him and I found myself hating it. _He finally has a friend at school._ That was what his smile said and there was nothing more irritating than being fucking patronized. But I knew better than to pick an argument with him since Michael was with us.

Somehow, I didn’t want him thinking that we were the kind of brothers that bickered a lot. I still wanted him to like Rob.

“When should I pick you up?” Rob asked as soon as he dropped us off at Michael’s house.

I looked back at him while Michael just lingered by my side kinda like what he always did with Jeremy.

“Don’t bother. I’ll walk home.”

“What? Don’t be stupid. Just give me a time.”

“I’m not sure when we’ll be done.”

“Are you gonna stay out past six?”

“I don’t know. Probably not.”

“Then I’ll pick you up at six.”

“I told you I’ll walk home! Don’t you have anything better to do than worry about me?”

“I’m your brother, kid. That’s my job.”

“Well then you’re fired.”

“Nice try but I’m my own boss. I’ll pick you up at six and that’s final. It’s not like you boys have anything else to do after your homework anyway.” He then smiled at Michael and gave him a farewell wave of his hand. “See ya.”

And just like that, he drove away-- leaving me fuming with impatience.

I guess he realized that Michael wasn’t actually a friend of mine but that wasn’t rocket science. Michael hadn’t uttered a single word since he got into the truck with us. I then looked back at him and when our eyes met, he just gave me an uncomfortable smile.

“Were you guys fighting?” He asked, his fingers fiddling with the wire of his headphones. “Because it sounded like you were but it was hard to say when your brother looked like he was trying hard not to laugh.”

“That’s just his face.” I grumbled.

And for once, Michael laughed. I didn’t know if he was laughing at the slip of my lisp or at what I said but I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to know. I wasn’t even trying to be funny, but at least I got a reaction out of him.

“Come on.” He gave me a heavy pat on the shoulder as though we were good buddies now. Maybe making him laugh was all it took to be his friend.

He lead me to his house and as soon as we got to the front porch, I could hear the song _It’s the End of the World by R.E.M_ blasting from inside. It reminded me of how our house used to be. Now I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of family Michael has.

“You should take your shoes off,” Michael suggested just as he kicked his own sneakers off. “or my mom will throw a fit.”

“Really?” I couldn’t help but ask in bewilderment before doing as I was told anyway.

“Did you think only Japanese people do that?” Michael sounded amused. “It’s more of an Asian thing than a Japanese thing.” He then bent down to set both of our shoes off to the side. “And I think most Japanese people have indoor slippers. We, on the other hand, just prefer to walk in our house barefoot.” He fished a set of three keys out from his hoodie and unlocked the front door. Just as he pushed it open, the music that was coming from the inside got even louder but it wasn’t unpleasant to the ears.

“I’m home!” Michael announced as loud as he could over the music.

He stepped aside to let me in and when I did, I immediately felt out of place. It felt weird walking into someone else’s house. Especially in barefoot no less. I couldn’t remember the last time I went over someone else’s place. Michael’s house was bright, clean, and smelled like warm vanilla. The color coordination of the interior was welcoming to the eyes-- blue, white, and yellow. The splash of life and colors in Michael’s home made my own home looked dull and depressing.

Maybe because it _was_ dull and depressing but I didn’t want to think about that right now.

“Welcome home, sweetie!” I heard a loud, cheerful voice coming from another room. “C’mere and help mommy with her cookies!”

Michael grinned at me, much to my surprise. “In the mood for some procrastination?”

I blinked. “Pro… Procra-what?”

“Procrastination! It’s when you hold off something that needs to be done in order to do something that’s just way cooler.”

“And you think baking--”

“--is cooler than doing homework? Hell yeah. Who doesn’t? There’s just something therapeutic about creating a specific mixture and watching it become something pretty and delectable, you know?”

“Do you bake with Jeremy?” I didn’t know why I asked that.

Michael shook his head. “Jeremy can be a nervous wreck sometimes so I couldn’t let him near my mom’s kitchenware. But he does keep me company while I bake. Come on, let’s help ma.”

I’ve never met a guy who was shamelessly proud of his penchant for baking. Most boys our age were at that stage where masculinity was just starting to become a form of hierarchy. The manlier you proved yourself to be, the higher your rank will be in the system. That’s why most liked to pick on other boys simply because they believed that emasculating others will somehow enhance their own masculinity and be seen as a ‘man’.

Jake was the prime example of that.

But Michael wasn’t part of that system. He didn’t _care_ about the system. He seemed to be perfectly comfortable in his own skin and I wished most boys were like that. I wished _I_ was like that but that was easier said than done.

When I followed him to the kitchen, _Man on the Moon_ by the same artist started playing next.

The kitchen had a warmer presence, but probably because Michael’s mom was baking cookies. I found her pouring a bit of the cookie batter on a baking tray with a wooden spoon. But when she saw us, a dazzling smile lit up her face and she put the batter down. She looked young and pretty and her dark skin glowed elegantly under the sunlight streaming from the window.

“And who’s this?” She asked, wiping her hands on her apron. “New friend?”

“He’s the kid I lent my hoodie to the other day.” Michael explained and I realized that he avoided his mom’s question.

Probably because he still didn’t know my name.

But at least I knew that he remembered me.

“I-I’m Ri-- Dick.” I panicked. I didn’t know why the fuck I mentally panicked but I did and now they were going to refer to me as that humiliating nickname. I stiffly offered my hand for a handshake and tried to save the moment. “It’s… nice to meet you, Mrs. Mell.”

Mrs. Mell just laughed and it sounded like the most refined laugh I’ve ever heard. Instead of shaking my hand, she just gently pulled me in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I felt myself flinch a bit at the contact but she just smiled down at me and pinched my cheek as if what she did was what she normally did with Michael’s friends.

“You’ve got nothing to be so nervous about, Dick.” She said so sweetly that I didn’t even mind the nickname anymore. “If you’re a friend of my son’s, then that automatically makes you family.”

I couldn’t tell if it was because of the warm air or what, but I felt my face heat up.

“So what are these for?” Michael hopped onto the counter and Mrs. Mell immediately walked over to him to slap his hand before he could even reach for one of the already-baked cookies. Michael dramatically pouted at her and rubbed his hand.

Mrs. Mell shook her head. “That’s for the bake sale that Micah’s school is having.”

Just as she turned around to check on the cookies in the oven, Michael’s sneaky hand snatched a cookie and slipped it into his pocket. He then winked at me with a devious glint in his eyes.

“We still have some leche flan in the fridge.” Mrs. Mell turned to face him again, a small smile on her face. “Why don’t you go and get Dick a slice?”

“But I’m so sick of leche flan.” Michael comically pouted at her again. “Can’t you spoil your baby boy for once, _mommy?_ ”

Mrs. Mell laughed before reaching over the counter to pinch both of her son’s cheeks. “You are unbelievable. You are the devil’s child, you know that?”

“Hey, you’re the one who decided to sleep with the devil so it’s clear who’s at fault here.”

Mrs. Mell just laughed again. “Very well. If you boys help me with the last three batches, maybe I’ll consider giving you some.”

“Yes!” Michael hopped off the counter in victory. He then grinned at me. “Whaddya say, Dick? Wanna help ma bake some cookies first?”

Before I could have the chance to react, Mrs. Mell snapped her attention back at us and narrowed her eyes at Michael. “ _First?_ Why, are you supposed to be doing something else today?”

Michael visibly jumped at that and we both shared a hesitant glance.

“Dick? I know _you_ wouldn’t lie to me. Are you and Michael supposed to be doing something important today?” Mrs. Mell prompted me to answer and I swallowed the thick lump in my throat. Shit, why was I being put on the spot here? I could feel Michael’s eyes on me and as much as I wanted to be on his good side, I couldn’t find it in myself to lie to someone else’s parent. It just didn’t feel right.

I scratched the back of my neck and cleared my throat.

“Um, yeah. We… We were--”

“--planning on buying some drugs at this very shady place but we decided that it would be better _and smarter_ to spend this wonderful day with my wonderful mom who I love so, _so_ much.” Michael beamed.

Of _course_ Mrs. Mell didn’t buy it. “Are you boys supposed to be working on something for school today?”

“Nope.” Michael was quick to lie.

But I wasn’t as good of an actor as he was so I just looked at anywhere else but his mom.

“Dick?” Mrs. Mell prompted me again.

_Shit._

* * *

We ended up working on our project instead of baking much to Michael’s disappointment. He wasn’t angry at me though. He even broke the cookie he stole in half and handed the other half to me with a smile. We were settled in their living room by the coffee table and Mrs. Mell prepared us each a slice of leche flan which turned out to be homemade caramel pudding. I kinda thought we were going to do our project in his room which was what I would have done if we went to my place instead.

But he didn’t exactly have a father who was always passed out on the couch like I have so it made sense why he didn’t mind doing it in the living room. The music turned out to be coming from the stereo in this very same room as well.

I met his little brother who was apparently Micah. The kid was playing a game on his PSP when we got there and after Michael introduced us, Micah immediately turned his game off and rushed upstairs.

I didn't find that weird at all.

As soon as we started on our project, I noticed that whenever Michael got bored, he would play with the temples of his glasses by moving it up and down so that his frames bounced on the bridge of his nose. He can also get easily distracted by the different topics running from his mind and through his mouth. He constantly went on telling me about one story to another.

“I like your shirt.” He said at one point when we were taking a five-minute break from our project.

I was wearing a light gray vintage shirt that had a print of a pizza with the words **SMELL IT LIKE IT IS** on top and the word **PIZZA** on the bottom. It was my grandpa’s back in 1975 and he gave it to me just last summer.

“It smells like pizza.” I told him.

He laughed, but I shook my head.

“No, it really does. Smell the print.”

He still looked skeptic but there was a humored smile on his lips as he moved around the coffee table to sit beside me. I turned to face him and he leaned in to give the print a sniff. I got a quick whiff of his hair as well which smelled like his hoodie, but with a trace of sweat.

He then pulled back, excitement in his eyes. “It’s faint but I totally smelled it! That's awesome. How did they do that?”

I felt a bit embarrassed by his sudden eagerness about my shirt but he seemed like the kind of person who got easily excited about the simplest of things. He liked to laugh a lot too and that made me feel less awkward and less out of place. It almost seemed like he was genuinely enjoying my company even though I rarely had anything interesting to say.

“Witchcraft, maybe.” I answered and he laughed again.

“I too would create a shirt that smells like pizza if I was blessed with the gift of witchcraft.” He cracked up, accidentally nudging my shoulder as he did so. “I was watching this documentary last night and I found out that Toru Iwatani actually got the idea of Pac-Man when he was eating pizza. Who would have thought that you could get an idea that will earn you millions just by merely eating pizza?”

“Pizza is a blessing to humanity.”

“And so is Pac-Man.”

Then we just laughed. I wasn't sure what we were laughing about exactly, but I did like how both of our interests were connected in some ridiculous way. Michael then started talking about Pac-Man and how it changed his life. He always had a lot to say and I realized that the way he was behaving right now was the very same way he behaved in front of Jeremy.

That must be a good thing then.

In the end, we didn't get to do much with our homework. We got sidetracked talking about different stuff. I didn't even realize I started talking just as much as he was until I heard the familiar honk of my brother’s truck just when I was in the middle of telling Michael about the day Jevonne taught me how to surf.

I was a bit relieved that I didn't get to meet his dad. I’ve met too many new faces today and Michael said his dad only came home around seven.

I packed up my things and Michael walked me to the front door. He waved at my brother then smiled at me.

“Let’s try to actually get some shit done tomorrow.” He snickered, perhaps a bit too excitedly and I could tell it was because he just said a cuss word.

I found myself smiling back. “Sure. Sounds good.”

It wasn’t until I got into the truck and rode off did I realize that I’ve spent the entire afternoon enjoying it with Michael and not even noticing that I’ve let my lisp slip out a lot.

And Michael never pointed it out once.


	12. Chapter 12

# TWELVE

Rob made me change into a new set of clothes when we got home. Dad was on the couch, as always, watching TV and drinking. I didn't have to ask to know that he wasn't going to join us for dinner tonight. That one night when he did was clearly a one-time thing.

When I got to my bedroom, I found a pink note on my desk.

_Rob told me you went over to a friend’s house today so I decided to give you my number so you can tell me these things in advance SO I won’t have to wait for you on your front porch!!_

_By the way, I want you to watch Singin’ in the Rain with me tomorrow! Is your DVD player still working?_

_Lots of love,_

_Christine_

There were a lot of hearts and smiley faces drawn everywhere on the note and just below her name was her mobile number. That gave me a strange light feeling in my stomach.

Just as I thought, she had really nice and pretty handwriting.

I picked my phone up from where I left it on my desk and saved her number. I decided to send her a text message right away.

**“hey sorry i wasn't around today.”**

After pressing send, I suddenly felt a bit silly. Was the message too short and blunt? Should I have been a bit less serious? It was hard to tell given the fact that this was the first time I sent a text message to someone outside my family. But after waiting five more minutes and still not getting a reply, I felt even sillier.

I shook my head and dropped my phone on my desk before finally changing to a new set of clothes. After that, I went straight downstairs for dinner.

Rob tried to make conversation again but I wasn’t all there. He was telling me something about some guy offering his classmate a new weird kind of drug, but I just found myself tuning him out. My mind wouldn’t stop wandering back to my text to Christine and whether or not she was mad at me for the short blunt text. Maybe I should've added a smiley face like the one she left on her note.

After dinner, I washed the dishes and went back to my room in quicker strides.

When I got to my desk, I found a new text message on the screen of my phone.

**“Grumpy! 8D how was ur day???”**

Oh.

I was concerned over nothing. I sighed in relief and lied down on my bed.

**“it was ok. you said you wanted to watch something.”**

**“yeah! mom bought me a dvd of singing in the rain and i wanna watch it with you~~ its rly good!”**

**“how good is it?”**

**“like a warm cup of hot chocol8 wiith marshmallows on a christmas night kind of good!”**

**“huh? i've never tried having marshmallows in hot chocolate before.”**

**“YOURR MISSING OUT!! how about we drink some tomorrow while wee watch?”**

**“oh, i can't tomorrow. can we do it on saturday?”**

**“awww :( are u going to ur friends place again?”**

**“yeah. we’re working on a project together.”**

**“daats fine! is saturday a promise then?”**

**“yeah okay”**

**“great!!! ill see u tthen!!!! ❤”**

I stared at the heart emoji she left and contemplated whether or not I should ask if she knew that we studied in the same school. But for some reason, I didn't want to know her answer.

I shook my head and just thumbed in my reply.

**“❤”**


	13. Chapter 13

# THIRTEEN

“What happened to your glasses?” Michael asked me just as we set our backpacks down on the carpeted floor. Mrs. Mell had already prepared a plate of cookies and two glasses of milk on the coffee table for us and as always, Micah hurried out of the room the second we got there. I self-consciously pushed my glasses up, feeling the thick tape wrapped around the bridge.

“Jake Dillinger is what happened.” I frowned.

Michael looked intrigued. “Jake? He did that?”

“Is that something hard to believe?”

“I didn’t say that. But why did he--”

“Because he’s an asshole.”

“He intentionally snapped your glasses in half?”

“Yeah-- well, no. Not really. He just threw it on the floor and Chloe _accidentally_ stepped on it.”

“That sucks.”

“Doesn’t he pick on you too?”

“Nope. At least not yet.” He then grinned. “Wanna know my secret?”

“What?”

“It’s my hoodie.” As though for emphasis, he pulled his headphones and his hood on. “Nobody notices me when I wear my stuff like this, you know? And if they can’t notice you, they can’t touch you.” He then put them back down and ran his fingers through his dark hair.

“Jake did notice you though.” I pointed out, but I could feel a small amused smile stretching my lips at how proud he was of his technique.

“He did?”

“Yeah. He called you the antisocial headphones kid.”

“Oh. But he still didn’t touch me so I’m the real winner here.” Michael kept his grin on. “What else did he say about me?”

I looked back on that one conversation I had with Jake in the library but then I realized that the only reason why he even brought Michael up in the first place was because he thought I was dating him. Just by merely thinking about it caused an uneasy twist in my stomach. I couldn’t bring that up. That would make things far too awkward between us and I liked how we were right now. I wanted to keep it that way.

“Wanna see something else?” I avoided his question as I reached for my backpack and laid it on top of the table so I could show him the front. Jake had written **FAG** on it in big bold letters during class while I wasn’t looking and judging by Michael’s expression, I could tell that he wasn’t impressed either. He suddenly snatched my bag from me and tried to wipe it off with the sleeve of his hoodie but to no avail.

“Did you think I haven’t tried that yet?” I frowned. “He used a permanent marker.”

“Why would he even write this?” Now Michael sounded frustrated, oddly enough. I couldn’t tell if he was angry for me or that he just generally didn’t like the word that Jake wrote.

“He thinks I'm gay.”

He immediately snapped his gaze back at me. “Are you?”

“No. I’m not.”

“Well I am.” His response threw me off-guard but he didn’t give me a chance to react. “If he did this to me, I would have started throwing fists at him! Wait and see!”

I found that hard to believe and I raised a brow at him. “Yeah, would you?”

“Nah, you’re right.” He gave up right away. “I’d probably just whine to Jeremy and drag him with me to buy a new bag or somethin’.”

I wanted to go back to how he just casually came out to me like that, but I didn’t. It didn’t feel like he was exactly ‘coming out’ since he said it like it was just a generally known fact. Not many boys our age would just openly admit that, especially to someone who they didn’t know very well yet.

Just as I thought, Michael really didn’t care about the system.


	14. Chapter 14

# FOURTEEN

We didn’t talk about anything else after that. Michael was suddenly very fixated on what we had to do which should have been fine if it wasn’t for the fact that he kept bouncing his knee and rubbing his thumb against his index finger. He didn’t have either of those habits yesterday so it was safe to say that there was something bothering him.

I didn't ask because I didn't think it was my place to ask. At least we managed to finish our project.

But just when I was packing up my things and waiting for Rob to pick me up, Michael broke the silence.

“Don't tell anyone about what I told you earlier.”

I looked up from my backpack to find him fiddling with the wire of his headphones again. He looked nervous-- almost uncharacteristically so.

“About what?” I wanted to be sure.

Now he looked upset that I even asked. “About me being… you know…”

“Gay?”

“Yeah.”

“Why did you tell me then?”

“I don’t know!” He ran his fingers through his hair. He looked really conflicted and it was a bizarre look on him. Michael was always so sure of himself. But now he looked like he didn't even know what to do or say next. “I guess… maybe... I just wanted to try to say it as casually as I could like it’s no big deal. Maybe if I say it that way, then the other person wouldn't treat it as a big deal either. And clearly, you didn't think it was a big deal so maybe my strategy worked. But it’s still a big deal to me and big deals are usually--”

“Okay, okay.” I cut him off. His rambling was just hurting my head. “I get it.”

“You won't tell anyone?”

“You have my word.”

“Not even to Jeremy?”

“He doesn’t know? Isn’t he your best friend?”

“That's the problem...”

“What do you mean?”

“How can you reassure me that you won't tell anyone?” He crossed his arms over the table and gave me a hard look as though he was challenging me to convince him.

I felt my own lips twist into an annoyed scowl. He should have chosen someone else to share his damn secret with if he couldn't trust me enough. It’s not like I asked him if he liked boys or not. If anything, _he_ asked _me._ So why the hell should I try to convince him that he could trust me with something I didn’t even ask for?

Maybe Michael still cared about the whole macho hierarchy to a degree.

But I wasn't surprised. He’s still human.

Despite what he thought, his secret was still sort of a big deal to me. And it’s not because I was worried that he might develop some kind of crush on me-- I knew that was too far of a stretch. It’s just that I’ve never had anyone tell me something that personally important before and I didn’t know how to react.

“If you don't trust me, then don’t. What are you gonna do about it?” I said. I wasn’t planning on telling anyone that he’s gay. It never even crossed my mind. But I also didn't like people telling me what to do.

But when a nearly horrified look dawned in on Michael’s face, I felt a little bad for what I said.

“N-No, I’m serious.” He shook his head. “I dunno if you're joking or not, but I really need to know that you won't tell anyone.”

“You should've thought of that before you told me.”

He looked upset. “You're a dick.”

I shrugged. “I guess I live up to my name.”

And just like that, Michael took his glasses off and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. That took me by surprise. I watched him sniffle and cry quietly in front of me. I didn't think he'd react like that. I never even noticed that he was on the brink of crying until this very moment. I mean, it was still a stupid move on his part for even telling his secret to someone he just met then expecting that someone to just stay quiet about it.

I wasn't the kind of person who would talk about other people behind their backs. I guess I was just as upset by how he suspected that I _could be_ that kind of person.

“H-Hey…” Awkwardly, I reached over to pat his shoulder but he harshly shrugged my hand off. I immediately drew back and stared at him, feeling a sinking sensation in my stomach. I rubbed the back of my neck and sighed. “I didn’t mean-- I wasn’t-- L-Look, I won't tell anyone. Not even to Jeremy. It’s not like I have anyone to talk to anyway.”

I hated admitting that but I also hated the fact that I made him cry. I could only hope that Mrs. Mell wouldn’t walk in on this mess.

But when Michael still wouldn’t look at me, I decided to do something just as stupid as he did.

“Fine, okay. How about I tell you one secret of mine so that we’re both even?”

Michael didn't react right away. He sniffled a bit on his sleeve before finally looking back at me. “That could work…”

So I told him. It was a secret that not even Rob knew about. I never thought I could ever tell anyone about it but if it meant making Michael feel better, then so be it. And much to my relief, he finally smiled at me and nodded his head.

“We’re even.”

My brother then came to pick me up and Michael was back to his normal chill self. Like yesterday, he walked me to the front door but before I could take my leave, he tugged me back by my arm.

“Oh, by the way… Jeremy and I are gonna go to the movies tomorrow.” He said. I already didn't like where this was going. “Do you wanna go with us? It’ll be fun. They're going to play John Carpenter's The Thing tomorrow night and trust me, you wouldn't want to miss it.”

It was an offer that I’ve never had before. But I’ve never hung out with more than one person outside the family. I wasn't sure if I was cut out for that. I then remembered how easily Michael had forgotten about me by our lockers when Jeremy arrived. They were best friends after all. I could already imagine myself feeling left out.

“Three’s a crowd for me.” I decided to answer honestly. “But thanks.”

“That’s fine.” He shrugged, still smiling. “Worth the shot.”

He didn't sound disappointed.


	15. Chapter 15

# FIFTEEN

Christine didn't come. 

I waited on the front porch and left her three text messages but she hadn’t replied at all. Maybe she had forgotten. That seemed likely. I felt like an idiot just sitting on the porch and watching a trail of ants pass by. Was this how she felt when she waited for me the other day only to find out that I wasn’t going to be home until six? Why would she always wait for me here every after school anyway? The last time I saw her at the cafeteria, she had a lot of friends.

I couldn’t think of a logical reason as to why she would be so willing to hang out with someone like me. 

After waiting five more minutes, I was convinced that she really had no plans on coming and I stood up to go back in. She must have had other plans today and forgot ours. I didn't care though. She could do whatever she wanted with her day.

_ “Wait!” _

I looked back and found Christine running as fast as she could towards me. She looked… different for some reason. But before I could even have the chance to digest that thought, she suddenly lost her footing on the very top step of the stairs. She then nearly crashed into me but I caught her in my arms at the right time. She gripped onto my shirt and laughed loudly before regaining her balance. I was surprised at how relieving it felt to see her today.

She grinned at me, out of breath. “I’m here!”

And that was when I noticed the change. “You cut your hair.”

She had a bob cut that made her face rounder and brighter than it already was. She then stepped back and tucked her hair to the back of her ear, cocking her head slightly to the side. “I just had it cut before coming straight here. Do you like it?”

“Huh?”

“Do you like it?” 

“Why?”

Her smile slipped. “I... just wanna know. Is that such a crime?”

“Why should my opinion matter? You already had it cut.” 

Now her smile was completely gone and she rolled her eyes. “Forget it. You’re unbelievable.”

She then grabbed my hand and tugged me into my own house. She greeted dad as we passed by who only smiled at her in return without a word. She brought a pack of mini marshmallows and a thermos of hot chocolate with her and we shared them as we watched her movie. I wasn’t big on the whole musical thing but Christine apparently was. She sang along to the songs a lot and she had a pretty decent voice. She looked like she knew that. 

Sometimes I could feel her glancing my way just to see my reaction and every time she did so, I would try to smile at whatever scene we were watching just to humor her. 

And before I knew it, our Saturday’s became our movie days. We took turns on choosing what to watch. I didn’t have a specific favorite genre so my choices varied from  _ 12 Years a Slave _ \-- to which Christine became a sobbing mess-- to  _ Now You See Me.  _ Christine liked romantic, musical, or Shakespearean kind of movies so her choices definitely gave me diabetes.

But I liked seeing her so eager about something so I didn't really mind. At one point, she found what Jake wrote on my bag and tried to write over it by changing the word  **FAG** to  **FAB** which didn't really help with the situation but I couldn't find it in myself to tell her so because she looked so proud of it.

“It’s like what my mom always says: You need to turn your trash into treasure.” She had said at the time and that's when I realized that I liked her a lot.

This was the first time I’ve started looking forward to seeing someone every week. I wasn't sure how to feel about that.

* * *

“You sure have been seeing Christine a lot.” Rob tried to make conversation during dinner again and I looked up from my plate of beef stroganoff to see him giving me a stupid smug smile.

“Where are you going with this?” I asked, wanting him to get to the point.

“I’m just wondering when you’re going to ask her out.”

I suddenly choked on my food at that and immediately took huge gulps of water from my own glass.

Rob laughed. “Now  _ that’s  _ a reaction.”

“S-Shut up.” My voice came out a bit hoarse. “I’m not gonna ask her out. She’s my friend.” The word felt almost foreign on my tongue but Christine had referred to me as her friend a couple of times now so I assumed it was safe to see her as one as well.

“Yeah, that's how they usually start.” Rob shrugged with obvious feigned nonchalance. “I’ve seen the way you look at her, kid.”

“And how, pray tell, do I look at her?”

“Excited.” His answer didn't miss a beat and it sorta threw me off. “Honestly? I never thought I'd see that look again. She's good for you, so you better make sure you’re good for her too.”

Be good for her. How was I supposed to know that? 

“Do you think dad was good for mom?” I heard myself ask out of nowhere. I regretted it the minute I said it because right then and there, a dark cloud loomed over Rob’s expression. It was a rare look on him and I didn't like it.

“That doesn’t matter anymore.” He said coldly and he didn't try making conversation after that.

He never wanted to talk about mom. He saw her death at a different light compared to how I saw it. But for me, it was hard not to bring her up. She wasn’t just my mom, she was also my best friend. As someone who never had friends at school or in the neighborhood, I used to always look forward to going home and just listening to whatever new crazy story she had. Even though I didn't have any friends, I still didn't feel lonely at all because she was good company. I didn’t feel alone as long as she was around.

And now, I couldn't even bring her up without dad becoming more of a mess or Rob getting really upset. It made me miss her more. I sometimes wondered if she was watching us from heaven and if she was, I hoped that she wasn’t disappointed by how our family turned out. I wished it was easy to think that Rob hoped for the same thing but that seemed like a long shot.

He didn't cry at the hospital. He didn't cry at the funeral either. I was the one who cried day by day when she passed away and he just held me in his arms.

It was hard to say how he felt about mom, but I knew he still cared about her.

* * *

“I am very proud to say that Mr. Goranski and Mr. Mell got the highest score on the assignment. Good work, boys.” Mr. Lockett smiled at me then at Michael.

“What the fuck?” I heard Jake from behind me.

“Language, Mr. Dillinger.”

“What the fudge? How many errors did they make?”

“They made three errors at most. Don’t worry, Mr. Dillinger. You and Ms. Valentine were a close second with a total of seven errors.”

I sneaked a look over my shoulder and caught Michael’s eye. He grinned at me and gave me a thumbs up in spite of Jake’s clear discontent. I felt myself smiling back at him, feeling happier than I expected. But when I caught Jake’s glare, I quickly shifted my attention back to Mr. Lockett who started handing back our papers.

On my way out after class, I felt Michael clap on my back.

“We’re unstoppable, man!” He hooted.

I smiled, embarrassed. I've never walked out of class with someone before. “You gonna take responsibility for those three errors you made?”

He scoffed. “What makes you think I was the cause of that?”

“Well you  _ were  _ easily distracted while we were working.”

“I just have so many good topics in my head! It’s not my fault you’re such a good listener.”

He was trying to distract me with a compliment. I could tell. “Which is why there's no way I could have made those errors. I’m very attentive in class.”

He stopped and searched my face and that made me a bit uneasy. But then a grin stretched his lips and he gave my shoulder a friendly nudge. “All right, I’ll let you win this round. How about I make up for those errors?”

“How?”

“Maybe I could introduce you to a really good video game? Do you play?”

“Yeah.”

“Then great! I’ll give you my number and you can just let me know when you’re free to hang.” He fished out a marker from the pocket of his hoodie and started scribbling his number on my hand. “There. Don't forget about me, yeah?”

_ Shouldn’t  _ **_I_ ** _ be worrying about that,  _ I wanted to say but I kept that thought to myself and nodded. “Sure.”

“Michael!” Jeremy came in and tugged Michael’s sleeve. “Come on, they’re gonna run out of chicken fingers if we don't get there early!”

“Oh yeah, let’s go!” And just like that, Michael forgot about me again and left with Jeremy.

But not before I heard Jeremy telling him that I looked familiar and asking where he saw me before. I didn't hear Michael’s answer. I looked down at his number on my hand and contemplated on whether or not I should try to contact him later. It sounded like a really good idea at first but after remembering that he and Jeremy were like attached to the hip, I felt hesitant. 

“Yo, fruit loop.” Jake pulled me from my thoughts by smacking the back of my head. Chloe was by his side, looking just as smug as he was. “What were you and your boyfriend talking about?”

“Go away.” I tried to leave but then he just tugged my backpack, pulling me back.

“Did you… Did you just write over what I wrote here?” He asked.

“Oh my god, he did!” Chloe laughed and I could feel my face going red. “ _Fab?_ Seriously? You're practically announcing your faggotry.”

I remembered how upset Michael was by that word. I remembered how proud Christine looked when she wrote over it.

“Shut up!” I tried to rip myself out of Jake’s grip again but he just pulled me harder then slammed me against the lockers. He yanked my backpack away from me while Chloe just cackled by his side.

“Calm down, fab boy.” Jake grinned at me. “We’re just having fun. Why you gotta be so angry all the time? It’s not a cute look on you.”

I turned around and tried to snatch my backpack but he just raised it way above my reach, taking advantage of our height difference.

“Come on, you can do it.” He taunted with a laugh. “Why don't you try calling your butt buddy to help you? Or maybe he's too busy getting plowed by  _ someone else _ behind your back?”

“You mean that creep, Jerry?” Chloe snickered, obviously loving every second of this. “How kinky.”

I was at the breaking point of my patience. I still didn't know why the fuck he loved to pick on me and only me. I didn't know what he could possibly get out of tormenting me day after day, but I was getting sick of it. 

“Give it back!” I snapped but not lending him the satisfaction of jumping for it.

“Not until you admit that you’re gay.” Jake grinned down at me, unfazed. 

I felt eyes on us at this point. 

And among those eyes were Christine’s.

She was with her friends, curiosity written all over her face. And when her eyes met mine, she quickly looked away as one of her friends whispered to her. She didn't look surprised when she saw me at all.

She always knew that we were studying in the same school.

“C’mon, fruit loop.” Jake went on. “Everyone knows the closet has been opened this whole time, you just don't wanna step out of it.”

My face was hot. My heart pounded in my temples. And I’ve never hated anything more than the look on Jake’s face. I knew that he was way bigger than me and that he could easily take me down in a second but I couldn't control the flare of anger inside me. I wanted to hurt him-- I wanted to hurt him so bad but I couldn't get myself to do anything. All I could think about was how this will fall on Rob’s shoulders. 

The last thing he needed was teachers asking what our home life could possibly be like that could have caused his younger brother to act out.

“Eww!” Chloe suddenly flinched. “Are you crying?”

“What? No he’s not.” Jake breathed out a laugh but when he took a step closer to me and inspected my face, his smile faded. “Wait, are you seriously crying right now?”

Just when they mentioned it, I realized the warm tears trailing down my cheeks.  _ Shit. Fucking pathetic.  _ I quickly looked away from them and took my glasses off to wipe my tears away. I could hear some of the kids giggling at how a teenage boy could cry so damn easily. Jake was quiet but I could hear Chloe laughing and saying something else though her words just went over my head because I couldn't bear any more of this.

I ran off like I always did.


	16. Chapter 16

# SIXTEEN

I didn’t know how long I’ve locked myself inside the bathroom stall but I knew for a fact that I was missing class which was something I was never comfortable doing. I doubted that anyone would even notice though. We have gotten to the point where teachers were just too lazy to do their usual roll calls anymore. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand as I bit down hard on my lower lip in an attempt to stop myself from crying. Honestly, this was getting pathetic.

I could feel my head spinning. The way Christine looked away from me as if she didn’t know who I was, the sound of the obnoxious giggles coming from everyone at the hallway, Jake’s stupid smug face, and Chloe’s cackles echoed in my mind and rendered me mortified. Christine knew we’ve been studying in the same school all this time but she never approached me. Not even once.

Was that supposed to mean something?

I wanted to not give a fuck but I now knew that was easier said than done. This was Rob’s fault. He got into my head and gave me senseless ideas about her. I should have seen this coming. I shouldn’t have agreed to help her find her dumb dog. I shouldn’t have let her believe that things between us were  _ cool.  _ I shouldn’t have invited her to our house.

And I shouldn’t have decided to do my homework on the front porch that day.

Because here in school, I was invisible to her. Just like I was to everyone else.

Except to Michael, probably.

At least he remembered who I was

I somehow got to thinking about mom and wondered how she dealt with bullies in high school. Maybe she never had to deal with them at all. She didn't have a single story about her struggles in high school and maybe that's because she was as good with people as Rob was. Or maybe she didn't think she had to bring such a story up because I wasn't even in high school at the time and probably wouldn't understand.

“Hey dweeb, you in here?” Jake’s voice echoed in the restroom and I quickly held my breath. I didn't even hear him coming in. 

He then knocked on the door to the stall I was in but I refused to say anything. He was the last person I wanted to see right now.

“I know you're in there.”

I put my glasses on and remained quiet.

“Stalls are for girls, you know.”

Why did he think that would convince me to step out?

I heard him sigh. “Do you want your bag or not?”

He was here to give me my bag back. Wow. I didn't think he still had enough of a shred of human decency inside him. I reached out to unlock the door but stopped.

“You’re not in class.” I said the obvious.

“Tho are you.” He mocked my lisp, his response not missing a beat before speaking normally after. “Now get your ass over here.”

I clinched my jaw but opened the door anyway. I just wanted my bag so I could leave. I saw Jake standing in front of the stall, my backpack hanging over his finger. He moved it closer to me and I snatched it from him right away. I slung it over my shoulder and was about to rush out but he stopped me by blocking my way.

“Not so fast, little dude. You gotta listen to what I have to say first.”

“Fine. I’m gay. Happy now?” I’ve lost all fucks to give and tried to leave again but he just pushed me back by the shoulder.

“I’m serious.”

For once, he did actually sound serious so I stood still-- fuming. Trying to leave seemed futile now at this point. I watched him squirm a bit on his spot and he licked his lips as if he was having some kind of internal debate with himself. But then he eventually settled his gaze back on me and heaved a tired-sounding sigh.

“Look…” He started, but paused for a second. “...you cry like a bitch.”

“Fuck you.” I pushed past him but I felt his fingers wrap around my wrist and pull me back.

“No, wait-- shit. Let me try that again.” 

“Then hurry the fuck up!” My patience was running thin.

“Calm down--”

“ _ Calm down?  _ You’re not exactly the right person to be telling me that.” I growled, my nails digging into my palm. “What the hell is your problem with me in the first place? Was it because I snapped at you on the first day? Is that the only thing it takes for you to fucking torment me every damn day? Or did I do something else? Because if that’s the only stupid reason why you’ve decided to make my life even shittier than it already is, then  _ fine.  _ I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry that I would go down on my knees and kiss your damn feet whenever you’re around like everyone in this fucked up school does. Will that appease you, you fucking jackass?” 

I didn’t even realize I was already yelling at him and letting my lisp out by the time I was done and I felt hot tears streaming down my cheeks again. 

He was right.

I cried like a bitch.

Jake didn’t say anything and his silence just made me feel even more pathetic. I stepped back from him and took my glasses off, wiping my tears with the back of my hand again. I didn’t know where to go or what to do from here. I cried and even ran away from the face of mockery in front of everyone. I knew that starting tomorrow, Jake wouldn’t be the only one harassing me.

“Dude…” He said.

I didn’t dare to look at him but I could still feel his presence lingering nearby. I didn’t even know why he was still here. 

“I’m…” He started. “I’m not gonna bother you anymore.”

“What?” I looked back at him.

He shrugged, clearly uncomfortable. “I said I’m not gonna bother you anymore.”

“Why?”

“I know I’m an asshole. But I didn’t think I was doing you this bad. Sorry, man.”

I wanted to hate the sympathizing tone in his voice. I really wanted to.

“Are you going to say what your problem is with me?” I demanded.

“It’s the competitive side of me.” He admitted all too easily. “I’m just used to being the top of the class, you know? But then you came along and effin’ ruined everything. Not that it’s your fault. You’ve been doing better than me and I didn’t like it. I figured that if I got into your head, it might mess with your focus in school.”

“So…” I frowned and tried to digest all his words to a logical conclusion. “You were jealous of me?”

He frowned back. “I wouldn’t go that far.”

He wasn’t a very good liar. But his jealousy didn't make me feel better even though it should.  _ The  _ Jake Dillinger saw me as competition in some way and that should have been such a huge compliment. But it didn't feel like one.

“You’re not gonna bother me anymore.” I said and he nodded, a small smile curling his lips.

“It’ll be like you never existed to me.”

I wasn’t going to complain.


	17. Chapter 17

# SEVENTEEN

_“Richard Goranski!”_

I turned up the song _School’s Out by Alice Cooper_ louder in an attempt to drown out Rob’s relentless knocking on my door. I didn’t want to see anyone today, especially after that whole fiasco at school earlier. I could already tell Rob was pissed and he had every right to be. I skipped out on my last two classes and went straight home without telling him. Judging by how he just got back, I could only assume that he waited for half an hour or more for me at the parking lot.

I felt bad but I didn’t want to deal with him right now.

_“If you don’t open this door right this instant, I’m going to--”_

I put the song up in full blast and closed my eyes, throwing my head back against my pillow and taking a deep breath. Whenever I immersed myself in loud music, I felt like all my troubles would go away just like that. All I had to do was focus on the beating of the drums and everything felt okay. It was weird how I found the rowdy tunes of hard rock bands therapeutic but it worked. In my mind, there was no Jake. No Chloe. No Christine. No going through the most awkward and humiliating stage of my life.

But of course, somebody will always get in the way of my pursuit to let go.

The music came to an abrupt halt and I immediately sat up to find Rob near my stereo, a set of keys in his hand.

“What the hell?” I scowled at him. “I thought we’ve talked about not ever using the key to my room?”

“Well you being a brat is an exception.” Rob really sounded pissed. “You just left school without even telling me? Not even a text?”

“You know I tend to forget to bring my phone with me.”

“Then you shouldn’t have left like that at all. Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for you at school?”

“I don’t wanna know.”

“What the hell is up with you today?” Rob raised his voice but it didn’t faze me. I just got up from my bed and picked up the discarded shirt I had left on the floor the second I got back from school. I walked out of my room to toss it into the bathroom hamper, ignoring my brother. I didn’t even know why he was wasting his time with me when he should know by now that I don’t tell him _anything._ He didn’t have to pretend like he gave a damn just so he’d look like the perfect big brother everybody wished to have. Our relatives weren’t here to praise him and tickle his massive ego.

“Richard, I’m talking to you!” He followed me out but I still ignored him.

I tried to shut the bathroom door on him but he quickly put his foot in the way and I glared up at him.

“Leave me alone!”

“Not until you tell me what’s going on with you!”

“It’s got nothing to do with you!”

“Yes it does! We’re brothers! We’re supposed to tell each other--”

“Like you ever tell me anything! Did you really expect me to believe that you live such a perfect life?!”

“I never said I have a perfect life!”

“You sure act like you fucking do!”

“Watch your mouth!”

 _“Boys!”_ Dad suddenly yelled from the living room downstairs. _“I’m trying to watch my show! Keep it down!”_

I bit my lip and breathed in then out through my nose, my face hot from the fierce resentment building up inside me. Rob glared down at me hard but I didn’t shrink from him. I just glared back up at him in spite of the fact that he towered over me. Eventually, I let go of the door and turned around to throw my shirt into the hamper.

“Dick…” Rob’s tone sounded softer this time, but firm. “is someone bothering you at school?”

“No.”

“You’re lying.”

“You don’t know me that well.”

“I know you enough.”

I turned to face him. “What do you want, Rob?”

He sighed and ran his fingers through his short dark hair. “Look, if you don’t want to tell me, then that’s fine. But you can’t just do what you did today. I didn’t know where you were. What if something were to happen to you and I didn’t know where to look for you first?”

What he said made sense and I felt even worse for what I did. I always tried my best not to put too much stress on his shoulders by staying out of trouble but it looked like there were far more other things that could possibly stress him out. I looked down and shrugged my shoulders.

“Okay. I won’t do it again.”

“Thank you.” He sounded relieved. “And you probably shouldn’t put your music on blast like that. You’ll disturb the neighbors. Jevonne and I are going to the river later. Do you want to come along? Maybe you can relax there.”

I hesitated. But then the idea of Jevonne being there won me over.

“Okay.”

* * *

I’ve lost track of time of how long I was lying on the rear bed of my brother’s truck but I knew I was there for a while because the loud laughter coming from Rob and Jevonne died down by now. Rob had climbed back into the vehicle and passed out. If there was one thing he wasn’t good at, it was handling his liquor. I didn’t know what Jevonne was doing but I didn’t bother to check. As much as I usually enjoyed his company, I was in no mood to talk to anyone.

I was still thinking about Christine.

I didn’t hate her. That just wasn’t an option for me anymore. I couldn’t blame her for pretending like she didn’t know me at school-- I was being picked on by the top two predators of the food chain and I wouldn’t want to get involved either if I was in her shoes. Looking at it that way, it made me feel a little better. But then again, if she was the one getting picked on, I would have done something even if I ended up getting my ass handed to me.

But that would just be my natural instinct.

 _Men were given fists to protect women,_ that’s what my dad always said.

He never really had to protect mom though. Mom always handled herself pretty well.

If she was here right now, she would have known the right words to say.

Because even I didn’t know what kind of words I wanted to hear.

I raised my hand up and looked at the messy handwriting on it, remembering the weird fact that Christine wasn’t the only one who wanted to hang with me. Michael’s writing had gotten a bit faded by now but it was still slightly comprehensible. At least I hope it was. I had no doubt in mind that he would invite Jeremy if I ever decided to hang out with him and the thought of that just didn’t click well with me.

Jeremy couldn’t even remember who I was.

To be fair, I was very plain-looking.

The sky had already softened to a pinkish orange glow and I sat up, looking back over my shoulder to find Rob still passed out on the passenger seat. He was supposed to be making dinner around this time but I couldn’t find it in myself to wake him up. He had been a bundle of nerves nearly all day because of me. He could probably use the break. But I doubted sleeping on the passenger seat like that was comfortable so I hopped off the truck just to tell him to sleep on the rear bed instead. He groggily did so without a word and I left him be.

I caught sight of Jevonne sitting by himself on the grass, inspecting something in his hand. I couldn’t see what it was from where I stood but I decided to walk up to him.

“Hey.”

He jumped a bit and quickly looked up at me. He then sighed and smiled. “Don’t sneak up on me like that, kid.”

“I didn’t know you were jumpy today.” I smiled back at him, somewhat sheepishly. “What are you doing?”

He closed his palm over what he was holding almost too quickly and shrugged his shoulders. “Nothin’. Just… admiring this beautiful sunset.”

“Bullshit.” I breathed out a laugh and sat down with him. Jevonne was the only ‘grown-up’ I knew who didn’t mind me cussing. He encouraged it just as much as he encouraged my lisp. He said it had something to do with freely expressing oneself and that people shouldn’t ever be censored. He liked to talk about freedom of speech and human rights a lot, even back when we were younger. The adults used to say he was too smart and too talkative for his own good but that made him even more vocal about his thoughts.

I liked that about him. I liked him more than I liked Rob, but that was probably because I was allowed to cuss around him.

“Rob said you two had a fight?” He asked, giving me an inquisitive glance.

I rolled my eyes. “We’re brothers. That’s what we do.”

“At least you get to talk shit out.” He chuckled and shook his head. “I could practically just say I don’t have a brother at all.”

“You don’t talk to your brother?”

“It’s just not in our nature. If I hadn’t met Rob, I wouldn’t be this excessively chatty.” A fond smile graced his lips-- it looked almost affectionate, even. I sometimes felt awkward talking about my brother with him. I didn’t know why but I just did. I didn’t like it.

“So what are you doing?” I pressed as I brought my knees up and crossed my arms over them.

He didn’t answer right away. He looked almost hesitant and that just made me even more curious. I looked down at his closed palm and wondered what he was hiding in there.

“Nothing. It’s stupid.” He moved to put whatever that thing was in his pocket but I quickly reached out and held his hand to stop him.

“I’m not gonna tell anyone.”

He looked down at me in surprise and I felt my face warm up at the sight. He then moved his hand away from me and looked back over his shoulder as though he was checking if Rob was still asleep. I did the same and just as I expected, my brother was still out like a light.

“All right.” Jevonne finally nodded. “But you gotta promise me that you won’t tell Rob or anyone else.”

“So… it’s just a secret between you and me?”

“Exactly.” He smiled at me. “You’re the first and only person who gets to know about this.”

He was going to tell me something that even Rob didn’t know about. I found myself liking that idea more than I should.

“Okay. I won’t tell anyone. I promise.”

“Good.” He then motioned me to move closer to him and I quickly did so. He fleetingly looked back over his shoulder again before gazing back at me and opening his palm. As difficult as it was, I tore my stare away from his face and down to the object in his hand.

It was a gray oblong pill.

I blinked twice. Then thrice.

“A pill?” I looked back at him. “Are you sick?”

“No, it’s called a SQUIP.”

“Squid?”

“SQUIP. It stands for Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor.”

“Did you just make that up?”

“I’m serious.” Jevonne inspected the pill again. “It’s made in Japan. You’re supposed to drink it with Mountain Dew and it will turn you into a better person.”

“How does that work?” I probably sounded like I was taking this as a joke which I was because he frowned at me.

“It’s legit, kid. It has this tiny computer inside that will travel into your brain and influence the way you act. It’s supposed to make people like you.”

I narrowed my eyes skeptically at him. “Let me guess… you paid a lot of money for that.”

“Not really. It only cost me four hundred.”

I knew it.

“You got scammed.” I pointed out the obvious and leaned back away from him. “That looks like a Tic Tac knockoff.”

“No way.”

“You’re one of the richest guys in school. People will definitely try to scam you one way or another.” I shrugged, though I felt bad that I had to be the bearer of bad news because now he looked genuinely disappointed.

“Why would you even buy something like that?” I asked. “Aren’t you one of the popular kids?”

“ _Popular kids?_ ” He laughed at that, but he wasn’t rude about it. “Man, I wonder if I sounded like that when I was a freshman.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want the pill because I want to be popular. I want it because I want to be good enough for someone.”

“Someone? Who?”

“It doesn’t matter. I got scammed.” He stood up and threw the pill away. He must have tried to toss it into the river but it only landed on the grass instead. I don’t think I’ll ever understand rich kids. He wobbled in his stance a bit and I realized that he was nearly just as intoxicated as Rob was. I stood up to help him regain his balance and he smiled at me.

He really had a nice smile.

“You like me, don’t you?” He asked out of nowhere and my heart suddenly did this bizarre dive into my stomach.

“I-- I guess. Yeah.”

“From fake pockets to pizza with extra mozzarella cheese and mushrooms, how much do you like me?”

I hesitated. I didn’t know why this was making me nervous but it did. “I… probably like you more than I like pizza.”

His smile brightened at that and he ruffled my hair like I was just his little brother. I didn’t doubt that he saw me as one.

“Thanks, kid. I needed that. Let’s go wake little Robin Hood, yeah?” Without waiting for my response, Jevonne left to head for the truck where Rob was still asleep on the rear bed. I watched him walk away before diverting my gaze back to where he threw the pill.

_It’s supposed to make people like you._

I looked back over my shoulder. I couldn’t see Rob and Jevonne, but I could hear them laughing from the truck. I didn’t know what compelled me to do what I did but before I knew it, I found myself walking over to where Jevonne threw the pill and picked it up. I dusted the dirt off and quickly slipped it into my pocket.

Jevonne will probably want it back eventually.

I’ll just keep it for him.

Yeah, sure. That sounded convincing.

I walked back to the truck just in time to find Rob and Jevonne hopping off of it.

“Hey Dick, feeling better?” Rob ruffled my hair much like what his best friend did but I half-heartedly slapped his hand away.

“Are we leaving now?” I asked.

Rob shared a knowing look with Jevonne then glanced back at me. “Well, we’re gonna go to this party tonight. You wanna come with us?”

“A senior party?”

“Yeah, what else would it be?”

“It’ll be fun.” Jevonne piped in, throwing his arm over my shoulders and giving me a wink. “Just imagine: you’ll be the first freshman to be invited to a senior party. You’ll be the talk of the school. People will think twice about picking on you.”

I remembered how the other kids laughed at me earlier. Was it really possible for them to just forget that I ‘cried like a bitch’ the second they find out that I was invited to a senior high party? I didn’t have to ask to know that this was Jevonne’s idea. Rob must have asked him what he could possibly do to give me an easier time at school.

I wasn’t mad about it though.

“Can I bring a friend?” I decided to ask.

“You have a friend?” Rob joked but after I rolled my eyes at him, he put his hands up in defense. “Lighten up. Yeah, you can bring Christine if you want. Just make sure you stay with her the whole night.”

“I’m not taking Christine.”

“You can bring anyone you want.” Jevonne said. “But first, Rob and I gotta sober up before we get back on the road. Isn’t there a seven-eleven nearby?”

“Yeah, come on.” Rob patted him on the shoulder. “Wanna come with, Dick?”

I shook my head. “I’m good.”

“Okay, don’t go anywhere.”

As soon as they walked away, I stared down at the almost faded writing on my hand.

He _did_ say I can just call him whenever I wanted to hang. If he decided to have Jeremy tag along, then so be it. I needed this party. I pulled my phone out and sent him a message.

**“hey michael, it’s dick”**

**“dick van dyke?”**

**“-_____-”**

**“HAHAHA wassup?”**

**“are you free tonight?”**

**“totes! whaddya have in mind?”**

I was probably gonna regret this but there was no turning back now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This won't be the last of Christine, just fyi!
> 
> Let me know what you think so far! :) Kudos are appreciated!


	18. Chapter 18

# EIGHTEEN

_Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Don't be awkward. Have a good time. At least you’re with someone. You won’t look too lame as long as you have a buddy with you._

Michael’s loud belch interrupted my focus and when I looked at him, he grinned at me-- clearly impressed by how that loud noise just came out of his own mouth.

Now I wished Jeremy tagged along with us after all.

“Here. You only get to drink _one_ can, got it?” Rob handed us each a can of beer as soon as we got to the kitchen. I always thought high school house parties were loud and obnoxious but they appeared to be mildly tamed. There was loud music but most people were just chatting, laughing, and playing drinking games. Not much dancing or shenanigans going on. I liked it better this way.

“Don’t mind if I do.” Michael smiled at Rob before accepting the can, though I caught his other hand sneaking another one into the pocket of his hoodie.

Always so devious.

“Rob! Jevonne!” Some guy I didn’t recognize came in to greet my brother and Jevonne, not even giving me and Michael a glance. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet-- especially you Rob. You don’t wanna miss out on this.” And just like that, Rob and Jevonne forgot about us and eagerly followed their friend. That was fine though. It would have probably been lame to have my brother be a parent at a party. He came here to unwind after all.

I shared a look with Michael who only shrugged and popped his drink open.

“What do you wanna do?” I felt stupid asking that question.

“I wanna try getting shitfaced.”

“Shitfaced?”

“Yeah. Like, really, _really,_ drunk.”

I looked down at my own unopened drink then back at him. “Why would you want that?”

“Because we’re at a party?”

“And?”

“Everyone gets shitfaced at parties.”

“Not Rob.”

“Yeah, well, maybe your mom is way stricter than mine is.”

I didn’t bother correcting him. “Your mom is fine with you getting drunk at a party?”

“She trusts you.”

“She only met me twice.”

“She likes you.”

“Why?”

“She thinks you’re a nice boy.”

“But I’m not a nice boy.”

“ _I_ think you’re nice.”

“But I’m not.”

“You are.”

“Where did you even get that from?”

“Are you always this skeptic of people?”

I wanted to answer that honestly but Michael probably wouldn’t like my answer. He then reached out to open my drink for me before tapping it with his own can. “Loosen up, buddy. We’re the only freshmen who got invited to a senior party. Even Jake freaking Dillinger would _kill_ to be in our shoes right now. Imagine that. Jake Dillinger jealous of _us?_ I’d like to see the look on his face!”

I remembered Jake’s apology at school but I immediately shook that memory away and sipped on my drink. I recoiled the very second the bitter taste hit my tongue and I decided to not drink at all. I didn’t get the appeal of it. I put the can down on the counter and watched Michael chug on his own drink like his life depended on it. Something told me this wasn’t his first time drinking and I wondered if he had his first beer with Jeremy. Jeremy didn’t look like the type who would drink but then again, I didn’t know him that well.

A pair of girls came by to reach for more beer and I quickly got out of their way, bumping into Michael as I did so. They didn’t look at us though. It was almost as if we weren’t even there. Now I felt ridiculous. We probably looked like two fish out of water. A fourteen and a fifteen-year old in a crowd of seventeen to eighteen-year-old’s.

“Man.” I heard Michael say in disappointment and I looked back at him to see that he had spilled his drink on his hoodie.

“How did that happen?” I asked.

He frowned at me, but he didn’t look as upset as I would be if I was in his position. “You did this, you soggy corndog.”

“Oh.” Right, I bumped into him. “My bad.”

“I just got this yesterday.” He sighed and put his drink down to reach for the paper towels. Just as he said this, I realized that his hoodie did look somewhat different. The fabric wasn’t as worn out as the other one he lent me the other day and it was a darker shade of red. He looked smaller in it too.

“You bought a new hoodie?” I asked.

A smile easily replaced his frown. “Nope. Jeremy bought it for me for my birthday. Check it out.” He turned around to show off the back of his hoodie which had the print of a large polar bear with Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures album art on the bottom of it. Wow. Lucky bastard.

“Pretty cool, huh? You like Joy Division?” He then turned to face me again as he started to try and wipe the beer stain off of his best friend’s present.

“I like a few of their songs.” I shrugged. “It was your birthday yesterday?”

“Yeah, man. I’m officially just as old as you are now.” He sounded proud.

“Congratulations. It looks kinda big on you.”

“Yeah, Jeremy wants it to last until senior year. I’ll grow into it. My dad’s pretty tall so hopefully I’ll have his growth spurt soon enough.”

Just as I was about to respond to that, I caught sight of Brooke in the living room talking to some girl I didn’t recognize. I felt my heart lurch anxiously at the mere sight of her and quickly looked around in hopes of not catching a glimpse of a certain taunting brunette. If Brooke was here, then it was most likely that Chloe was close by and the last thing I needed was Jake’s friend seeing me with Michael.

I didn’t care if he said he never told anyone about his suspicions of me and Michael or that he had decided to never pick on me again. He wasn’t exactly the most trustworthy person in my book.

_“Fab boy!”_

My entire frame stiffened at the sound of the voice I was dreading and I looked back to find Chloe making her way towards us, a drink in hand and a crafty smile on her lips.

_Shit._

“We gotta go.” I told Michael. I didn’t leave room for discussion as I grabbed his wrist and tugged him out of the kitchen with me, not looking back. I tried to push through the crowd but just as I was about to reach the front door, I suddenly found Jake nearby.

Goddammit.

Of _course_ the popular kids would be invited to this kind of party. It didn’t matter that they were just as young as we were as long as they were entertaining to be with.

“You mind telling me what’s going on?” Michael tapped my shoulder with his drink.

I turned to face him in an attempt to hide my face from Jake. “Jake and Chloe are here.”

Michael understood me right away. “C’mon.”

It was his turn to tug me with him and we hurried up the stairs. Nobody was paying attention to us which should have been a bother because we were at a party but that was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t know if it was my paranoia or what but I could somehow feel Chloe still looking for us. Hell, she must have already told her boy toy about us being here by now.

Michael opened the very first door we reached and we hurried in without a second thought. He shut and locked the door behind him.

I then realized we were in the bathroom.

I looked back to see him sliding against the door and down to the floor before chugging on his drink again as if we didn’t just try to break away from the impending possibility of being subjects to public humiliation, much like what I faced earlier. He looked pretty chill-- chiller than he should be for someone in his situation.

“Aren’t you worried?” I couldn’t control the disbelief in my voice.

“Of what?” He looked up at me, confused.

“Of getting caught.”

“Doing what?”

I thought I had a response ready for that but apparently, I didn’t. I just groaned and sat on the edge of the tub because sitting on the floor of some stranger’s bathroom sounded unhygienic.

“Don’t you wanna sit over here?” Grossly enough, Michael gave the space beside him a pat.

I cringed. “Did you just seriously touch the floor?”

“Yeah?”

“That’s disgusting.”

“It looks pretty clean to me. Come on.”

“I’m comfortable over here, thanks.”

Michael rolled his eyes at me. That really annoyed me but I didn’t feel the need to snap at him right now. He did save me from the predators just a few minutes ago after all.

“Dick, we’re at a party which means this is the kind of night where you try new stuff. Step out of your comfort zone, you know?”

“I just wanna go home.”

I hated how honest that sounded. I thought coming here could probably change something in my dreary life but much like how I was at school, I still tried to avoid garnering any kind of attention. I’ve done way more than just stepping out of my comfort zone today. I invited Michael to go to a party with me. I was out of our house in the middle of the night. I drank my first beer. I just sat on someone else’s tub. To me, I was way out of my comfort zone and the only thing I needed right now was to step back into it.

But I didn’t know how long we had to wait inside before the coast was clear.

I stuck my hands into the pockets of my jacket and felt the pill against my fingertips. It was the SQUIP that Jevonne mentioned earlier. I almost forgot that I even had it.

“If you go home now, then that means you’ll have to tug your brother’s hand and get him to drive you home.” Michael pointed out and I frowned at that depressing fact because it just made me realize how much I relied on Rob.

“But _I’m_ here.” He added and he somehow sounded hopeful. I looked back at him and he pat the space beside him again, an almost dorky smile on his face.

Sometimes, it was hard to say no to that face.

I conceded and sat down beside him. He offered me the other can of beer he stole but I dismissed it with a shake of my hand.

“You know what’s weird?” He asked as he tossed his now empty can into the tub before popping the other one open.

“What?” What he just did really bothered me and I wanted to pick the can up, but I knew that Michael will just tug me back down if I tried.

“I always kinda figured that if I ever do go to a party, I’ll just wind up hiding in the bathroom anyway.”

I gave him a skeptic look. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah.” He didn’t sound embarrassed about it. He was saying it matter-of-factly. “You might find this hard to believe but I’m not very good at social situations.”

“I don’t find that hard to believe at all.”

He laughed. “That’s why I’m not that worried about being stuck in here. As sad as it sounds, I kinda prepared myself for this scenario already.”

“At least you’re not by yourself.” I didn’t know what else to say.

He smiled at me teasingly and pinched my cheek. “Aww, was that optimism I just detected from you? Or am I just getting buzzed?”

I slapped his hand away and rubbed my cheek. “You’re just getting buzzed.”

He laughed again. “Screw you.”

“You wish.”

He really cracked up at that one. I wasn’t very original but it made him laugh so I didn’t care. I found myself laughing along with him. It was weird. Every time he laughed, I couldn’t help but laugh as well. Even if I didn’t know what was so funny.

At first glance, nobody would have suspected Michael to be the kind of guy who just loved to laugh a lot.

“I wish Jeremy was here.” He said after finally coming down from his high. “He would have found you really funny.”

“Right.” He was still thinking of Jeremy even when the guy wasn’t here with him. That must be nice.

I fiddled with the pill in my pocket, recalling how it was supposedly meant to get people to like you as much as Michael liked Jeremy. I had no doubt that Michael had his back no matter what-- even if Jeremy was being preyed on by the top two predators of the food chain. I felt pathetic knowing that I wanted to know what that would be like.

“Do you like yourself?” The question slipped out of me before I could ponder on it.

Michael didn’t even hesitate. “Am I not supposed to?”

“Not many people like to admit that they like themselves.”

“That’s because most people don’t understand the difference between confidence and arrogance.”

“So you _do_ like yourself?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Even though we’re just two losers hiding in the bathroom instead of going out there and having fun?”

“Hey, speak for yourself.” Michael chuckled and nudged my shoulder. “Honestly? Being a loser is way easier. Nobody expects much from you. You don’t have the pressure of being perfect all the time. The bar is set so low for you, all you could do from this point on is raise it up if you want to.”

“That’s just sad.”

“If you wanna look at it that way, sure.” He shrugged. “Why, don’t you like yourself?”

“I don’t.” I answered honestly.

“That’s just sadder.”

“I don’t like most things so it’s fine.”

“That can’t be true. Don’t you have a favorite person?”

“A favorite person?”

“Yeah. Like, someone who makes you feel better without even trying. Just seeing them and knowing that they’re there for you is enough. They’re like the rainbow at the end of your storm, you know? Don’t you have someone like that in your life?”

That sounded cheesy. But there was only one person that came into my mind and she’s not even around anymore. “My mom, I guess.”

“There you go!” He sounded pleased. I thought he was going to point out that I was a momma’s boy like the neighborhood kids used to do but he didn’t. “At least you have your mom! You have something to look forward to everyday after school.”

I always wanted to talk about mom, but not with him.

“Who’s your favorite person?” I asked instead. I didn’t even know why I asked when I already knew his answer to that.

“Jeremy.” He said, sounding very sure of himself. “He’s my favorite person and I’m his. We tell each other that all the time whenever one of us feels down.”

“That must be nice.”

“It is.” He smiled. It was the kind of smile Jevonne made every time he talked about Rob. I wasn’t sure what to think about the smile itself or the reason behind it. “Too bad he couldn’t come with us.” He added. “His mom has been going on a lot of business trips lately and this was her only day-off. I can’t really get mad at him for wanting to spend the day with her.”

“Do you think he would have liked to go to this party?”

“Of course! You should have seen the look on his face when I told him that you invited us to go with you!”

If Jeremy was here with us, Michael wouldn’t even be talking to me right now. But it didn’t feel right to say that.

“He’s not really missing out on a lot anyway.” I said.

“Could be worse.” Michael shrugged, always the optimist. “At least I’m not by myself, like you said.”

“I said that?”

“Don’t be a dick.” He laughed again and like always, I laughed with him. He made it so easy for me to do so.

It must be nice to be his favorite person.

“Hey, how about you hang out with us this weekend?” He suggested a bit too eagerly. “Jeremy and I are gonna spend the entire Saturday just playing video games in my basement. I’ve never let anyone else in there so consider this an important exclusive invitation.”

It sounded like a good idea, but I knew better than to agree to it.

“Three’s a crowd for me.” I reminded him. “I’m just comfortable having one friend at a time.”

“Oh.” Much to my surprise, he sounded disappointed. I didn’t expect that. “Well, I can see where you’re coming from. Sometimes interacting with more than one person can be tiring.”

I wished that was the problem, but it wasn’t.

“Yeah, it is.” I lied. “Instead of calling you, why don’t you just call me instead whenever you want to hang?” And by that, I meant whenever Jeremy wasn’t available. I didn’t want to feel like I was bothering them.

“Sure.” He beamed, completely unaware. “That sounds good enough.”

“And…” I hesitated.

“What’s up?”

“Can we keep this whole ‘hanging out’ thing on the down-low?”

“Why, because you don’t want people thinking we’re boyfriends?”

I winced, not expecting him to catch on that pretty quickly. “Is that homophobic? Because I’m not homophobic.”

He snickered. “It’s cool. I get it. That’s not a problem for me. You just want Jake and Chloe to stop calling you the F-word.”

“Fab?”

He laughed. “Nice save.” He then stood up and tossed his second empty can into the tub. “I’m still extending my exclusive invitation to you though.” He grinned down at me as he offered his hand. “My house is nearby so do you wanna ditch this party and go play video games in my basement?”

Rob probably wouldn’t like that.

But it was a good thing I brought my phone with me this time.

I held his hand and let him help me up to my feet. Just as I did so, there was a knock on the door.

 _“Anyone here?”_ Came an unfamiliar female voice.

“Ocupado!” Michael and I said in unison. We looked at each other and laughed. I knew we were both picturing the look on the girl’s face after hearing a response from two different boys.

He then leaned in to whisper to me. “You know how to shimmy down a drainpipe?”

I shook my head, and his grin just grew wider.

“Well Dick, this must be the night of your many first’s. C’mon, follow my lead.”

As always, it was hard to say no to him.


	19. Chapter 19

# NINETEEN

I didn't think Christine was still going to come and spend her Saturday watching a movie with me like we always did after what happened at school. And yet, I still somehow found myself waiting for her on the top step of our front porch.

And for some reason, she came.

She was wearing a white shirt under a short pair of dark blue overalls. It was a change. A change that caught me off-guard because she was usually in a skirt. She looked hesitant when she walked up to me and I could already tell what was going through her mind.

“Hey.” I greeted her anyway.

She stayed at the bottom of the stairs, her hands folded behind her. “Hey…”

“You look different.”

“Different how?”

“What are we watching today?”

“Mamma Mia.”

“The one with Meryl Streep?”

“Yep.” She said, popping her lips somewhat awkwardly.

“Okay.” I stood up. “Let’s go then.”

“Are you mad at me?” She quickly asked and I wished she didn't. I didn’t want to talk about what happened. I wanted to pretend like it never happened, but Christine was the kind of person who believed that expressing one’s emotions was the healthiest key to proper communication. I kinda thought that was bullshit and that was where we usually clashed.

Unlike her, I didn't like confrontations. I didn't like being asked how I felt. It all just seemed pointless to me when most people just ask that question because they felt like they were obligated to, not because they actually cared. Plus, It’s not like she could just magically erase the humiliation I had to go through with just a snap of her fingers.

“I’m not.” I looked back down at her. “I have no reason to.”

“But--”

“You were scared, okay? And I’d much rather prefer we watch a movie now instead of talking about this.”

“But you cried!” Great. She sounded upset. “This is something that we should talk about--”

“Rule number one, don’t _ever_ talk about that incident.”

She blinked. “R-Rule… number one?”

“We’re setting rules here.”

She still looked confused. “Why do we need rules?”

“Because we do.”

She contemplated on that for a while but after a few more seconds, she nodded and climbed up the stairs before sitting down on the top step, swinging her backpack onto her lap. She tugged my hand and I sat down beside her. I watched her pull her notebook out. After flipping several pages, she started writing with her pink pen.

**_Rule #1: Talking about “the incident” is a NO-NO_ **

“I get to add rules too.” She said with firm certainty.

“Go ahead.” I shrugged.

She wrote down her own rule.

**_Rule #2: Always be honest about your feelings._ **

“That’s a stretch.” I said.

“It’s been established.” For once since she got here, she smiled at me triumphantly.

“Fine.” I reached for her notepad and her pen and started writing something down as well.

**_Rule #3: Don’t ask about each other’s feelings._ **

My handwriting made her handwriting look neater and prettier than it already did.

“That’s not fair!” She snatched her notepad and her pen away from me. “That completely contradicts Rule #2!”

“It’s been established.” I quoted her, feeling a small amused smile reach my lips.

She pouted at me. “You wanna play that game? I’ll play that game.”

**_Rule #4: You don’t have to ask about each other’s feelings but you have to say what you’re feeling all the time._ **

“Ugh.” I groaned. “You’re unbelievable.”

“I have another one in mind!” She started writing again.

**_Rule #5: Dick has to tell Christine what he really thinks of the way she dresses._ **

“What?” I re-read the line just in case I read that wrong. “Why do you want that?”

“Because you always point out the way I present myself but you never really tell me what you _think._ You say stuff based on observation.” She tapped my nose with the barrel of her pen. “I wanna know your opinion too.”

“Okay…” I never even noticed that. “You look really nice today.”

“Wha-- I-- you--!” That somehow threw her off. “You don’t have to say it right now!”

“Then when am I supposed to say it?”

“Like, when… I don’t know!” She suddenly pushed the notepad and the pen into my hands a tad bit harshly that I almost dropped them. “Just shuddup and write.”

“You’re weird. There’s an opinion for you.” I smiled, mimicking her actions by tapping her nose with the barrel of her pen as well.

She stuck her tongue out at me. “Just write your next rule, idiot.”

“Fine.”

**_Rule #6: Christine doesn’t have to feel obligated to talk to Dick at school._ **

Christine was quiet after I wrote that down, but I had that coming. I had a feeling that she was thinking of talking to me at school like she would usually do in our neighborhood. I wanted her to talk to me, but not like that. Not just because she thought she owed me that much and just thinking about it ticked me off.

I didn’t say anything as I started writing down my next rule simply because she got to have two turns.

**_Rule #7: Christine has to bring hot chocolate with marshmallows every time she comes over._ **

That made her smile which gave me a light feeling in my chest.

“So you _did_ like it!”

“I never said I didn’t.”

“But you never said you did either! This is what I was talking about when I said you need to voice out your opinions more often!”

“All right, all right. Do you wanna hear another opinion?”

“Lay it on me!”

“I really do think you look nice today.”

That must have really embarrassed her because she suddenly slapped my back so hard, the pain lingered by the time we went to my room. I couldn’t find it in myself to focus on the movie she loved so much. But she didn’t look like an idiot by being all guilty and shit so I didn’t mind. It was almost like the incident never happened at all and I couldn’t tell if she just really forgot about it or she was pretending that she did because I asked her to.

Instead of talking about it, she invested her attention in the movie and informed me of all the trivias she knew about certain scenes. Sometimes, it felt like she was just talking to herself because she didn’t seem to care that I was barely responding or that her voice was too loud.

She was always more interesting to look at than the movies we watched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out this [amazing Dick/Christine art](https://www.instagram.com/p/BgvDT_gAvqo/) by [neekosiah!](http://neekosiah.tumblr.com)


	20. Chapter 20

# TWENTY

After watching and playing one round of snakes and ladders (I found it in the attic when I was looking for more spare shirts that grandpa may have left), Christine invited me to watch this school play she was in next month. It was Peter Pan and she was casted as one of the Lost Boys. I still didn’t know if I was gonna go though. It wasn’t like she needed to see me for the sake of boosting her confidence. She had enough friends to do that for her.

But that didn’t sound fair.

Maybe I’ll go.

Not like she’d notice.

Wow. 

I sure was depressing the hell out of myself.

By the time Bob Marley’s  _ I Shot the Sheriff  _ started playing next, I woke myself up from my reverie and rolled over to the edge to pull out the old empty shoe box that I didn’t even know I had lying under my bed until I was looking for a place to hide the SQUIP. I opened it and saw the gray pill rolling to the side.

I picked it up and inspected it for any dirt.

I wasn’t going to drink it. I was just holding it for Jevonne. 

But the thought of a tiny computer rooted inside something like this was very intriguing. 

Even if it wasn’t a scam and the pill really was meant to make people better, how the hell did it find its way here in New Jersey? What did Mountain Dew have to do with it? What did they mean by ‘make people better’? Was it supposed to give you super mutant powers? Why wasn’t it a big deal? Especially in Japan where it was supposedly made? Did the Japanese want to test it out on Americans first like we were their guinea pigs?

I wouldn’t be surprised if that was their intention. 

I would rather test medications out on paid willing humans too, not on innocent animals.

Nevertheless, a pill this compelling and incredible sounded far too good to be true and I felt stupid for still even having it.

I should just throw it away.

I hesitated on that thought for a few minutes.

Then I dropped it back into the box.

I dreamt about Christine that night. We were at the school auditorium but all the lights were out saved for one spotlight that was beaming down at us on stage. We were alone, sitting side by side. 

And she was smiling at me. 

The kind of smile that always made me want to ask her to stay longer but I never did.

She then leaned in to whisper something.

I didn’t know what she whispered. I couldn’t remember even if I tried.

But when I looked at her, she kissed me.

On the lips.

And I felt weird. She was just pressing her lips against mine. Nothing beyond that. But it still made me feel weird. I was clasping and unclasping my oddly clammy hands on my lap as if I didn’t know what to do with them. My head was buzzing with thoughts I also couldn’t remember. My face felt stiff with tension. My heart thumped against my chest.

I didn’t understand. 

Maybe because I’ve never kissed anyone before.

But that didn’t make sense to me. People make kissing sound like it was such a good thing to do. 

But in this dream, it wasn’t.

I was uneasy. 

Tensed.

Then I woke up.


	21. Chapter 21

# TWENTY-ONE

Jake still hadn’t picked on me yet which should be a good sign. But it was far too early to be certain of that so I needed to stay on guard.

I didn’t greet Michael when I saw him alone by our lockers. He was clearly waiting for Jeremy. I didn’t feel bad about not talking to him though. We both agreed to not talk to each other at school after all. But just when I was getting my books out of my locker, I realized that he was acting off.

He was staring at me, and he wasn’t being very subtle about it either. It was annoying. Whenever people looked at me longer than three seconds, I always felt like they could see every single detail of my face from how uninterestingly brown my eyes were to the light ugly freckles scattered over my cheeks and the bridge of my nose.

“What?” I couldn’t help but ask as I closed my locker.

“Huh?”

“You’ve been staring at me.”

“You noticed?”

“Your stalker skills could use some polishing.”

“Sorry.” He smiled at me sheepishly as he pulled his hood down from his head. “I just had a strange dream about you last night.”

I suddenly remembered the dream I had about Christine. If his dream was similar to that, then I didn’t want to hear it. That would be weirder.

“What happened?” I hated myself for still asking anyway.

“It was really weird.” Michael stuck his thumbs into the pockets of his hoodie and took a step closer to me. I quickly looked around to see if Jake and his friends were nearby but when they weren’t, I looked back at him.

“Well?”

“You…” He started, looking very indecisive about it. “...kinda died.”

I frowned. “Died?”

“Yeah. In a fire.”

That pissed me off. I knew that it shouldn’t. People can’t control their dreams, but they can’t control their feelings either. So if I was pissed off, then I was pissed off. But I wished I wasn’t.

“That’s why you were staring at me like a creep?”

I may have said that harsher than I should have because Michael looked fussy all of a sudden.

“I-I just wanted to make sure you don’t spontaneously combust!”

“What?”

“Spontaneous human combustion is an actual thing.”

“Do me a favor and keep me out of your shitty dreams.”

I wasn’t proud of what I said but it was out there and I didn’t give him enough time to react because I walked away.

And I just hated myself more for that.


	22. Chapter 22

# TWENTY-TWO

Brooke was lightly tugging my hair from behind during class. I didn't question it at first because I figured girls were just always fascinated by hair. But when she wouldn't stop, I pulled away from her and shot her a questioning look.

She looked unfazed but she leaned in closer to whisper.

“I think you’d look cuter with shorter hair.”

_Cuter._

That was a compliment, I realized. One of the prettiest girls in class just complimented me. Chloe wasn't around so there was no way Brooke had something up her sleeve. She was someone who was only mean whenever her best friend wanted her to be. But every time she was on her own, nobody would have ever thought that she was friends with the wicked bitch.

Witch.

I meant witch.

“Oh.” I nodded a tad bit awkwardly. “Okay. I’ll keep that in mind.”

I really wasn’t. We couldn’t exactly afford a haircut right now unless I ask for some money from Rob and I didn't wanna do that.

“Great.” Brooke smiled sweetly. “Michael, right?”

Oh well. That was fun while it lasted.

I shook my head. “Wrong four-eyed kid.”

She giggled. “Whoops, sorry. What was your name again?”

“No name.” She didn’t need to know.

“Like that Japanese movie the kids love so much?”

She was referring to _No-Face_ from  _Spirited Away_ , but I didn’t bother correcting her because I could already see this conversation was going nowhere.

“You’re a kid.” I pointed out.

“I’m fourteen. I’m a teenager.”

“Still a kid.”

“I’m not. I've kissed boys.”

“Andy kissed Mikey and even then, she still saw Mikey as a kid.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The Goonies.”

“I’m talking about  _real life._ ”

“The Goonies is a big part of my life.”

That must have pushed her button because her sweet smile turned sour and she rolled her eyes at me. “Your lisp isn’t very cute. You’re a waste of face. Freak.” She then leaned away from me as an end to our discussion.

I guess Chloe was rubbing off on her.

* * *

Jake really didn’t pick on me today. In fact, he never once glanced at my direction just as he had promised. It was like I never existed to him. My entire day went on uneventful. I still felt bad for what I said to Michael this morning, but I couldn’t find the opportunity to talk to him at school when he was with Jeremy the whole time and the classes we shared had either Chloe or Jake in them.

I’ll just talk to him later.

Rob had gone straight upstairs to his room the second we got home. I didn’t feel like locking myself up in my own room so I joined my dad on the couch. I didn’t know what he was watching-- it was in Russian. He never talked to us in Russian when we were kids so we never really learned the language growing up.

“How was school?” He asked me, weirdly enough.

“Boring.”

“Any kids picking on you?”

“No.”

“Any friends?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Maybe because I’m a freak.”

“Street children have it worse than you, you know.”

“Are you gonna do something about that?”

“No.”

“Good talk, dad.”

“You too, son.”

I got up and went to my room. I never really understood parents every time they tried to compare their kid’s troubles to someone else’s as if that was going to solve anything. It could make a kid feel like they're overreacting even though they're not. We know some people have it worse than us, but that didn't change the fact that we’re still upset in that very moment and we just wanted to vent.

Maybe I’ll understand when I’m older and have a kid of my own. If I live that long, maybe.

Just as I got to my room, I heard my phone vibrating on my desk. I picked it up and checked the caller.

It was Michael.

“Hello?”

_“Dick, buddy! What are ya up to?”_

I paused for a few seconds. “Are you really calling me just to ask that? You could’ve just sent me a text.”

 _“Hmm, true. But the phone was originally created to convert the sound waves of the human voice into an_ _electrical signal which is then carried down as radio waves and converted back into sound to the receiving end. So if anything, I’m using my phone the way it should be used: as a phone.”_

“Wow. Okay, Jordan Schlansky. You sure are fun to talk to.”

 _“I aim to please.”_  I could hear his signature grin in his voice. He was acting pretty casual for someone who just got snapped at. " _But back to my first question, what are ya up to?”_

“Aren’t you mad at me?”

_“Why, what did you do?”_

“I… snapped at you?”

That took him a moment. _"Oh! Because of that dream I had? No big deal, man. You were just being your usual pissy self.”_

I found myself frowning at that. “I’m not always pissed off.”

_“Look in the mirror and tell me whether or not you’re frowning right now.”_

I didn’t have a single mirror in my room so I didn’t do it. But I knew what I’ll see if I did and he wasn’t wrong. I immediately eased my frown away and cleared my throat. “Why are you calling me again?”

_“I just wanna know if you wanna hang? I bought something really cool and Jeremy’s too busy spending another day with his mom so I figured that maybe you’d want me to share it with you.”_

“What is it?”

_“I can’t tell you, man! The government could be listening to this call.”_

“You know, sometimes it’s hard to tell whether you’re joking or not.”

_“Just come over and you’ll see.”_

He didn’t even bother to wait for my response because he hung up just like that. I had a feeling he knew that I could never say no to him.

* * *

After Rob dropped me off, Mrs. Mell told me that Michael was at his old treehouse in the backyard. I’ve never been to a treehouse before and the mere idea of it bothered me a bit. I’ve read about a lot of accidents happening in treehouses. Houses are supposed to be on the ground, not standing precariously on trees.

I looked up at the small wooden tree shed but couldn’t find Michael anywhere near the entrance. It looked sorta dark inside.

“Michael!” I called out.

After a minute, Michael’s head popped out from the entry and he smiled down at me. “Come on in, buddy! This is where the magic happens!”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “Um, can’t you just come down here?”

He tilted his head to the side. “You scared of heights, Goranski?”

“I’m scared of getting into an _accident_ , Mell.”

“You’ll be fine! Dad made this treehouse himself and he’s an excellent carpenter.”

I didn’t want to offend and question his confidence on his dad so I sighed and carefully climbed up the tree. Michael moved away from the entrance and when I crawled in, I realized that the treehouse was way smaller than I thought. It was clearly built years ago when Michael was smaller. But being the slightly tall kid that he was, he now had to stay on his side of the treehouse just so he could stretch his legs out.

“Welcome to my humble abode.” He greeted me.

I sat down and crossed my legs. “What are we doing here? Why can’t we just go to your basement?”

“Because I’m gonna show you something and I don’t want anyone in my family finding out about it.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“This.” He grabbed his backpack and rummaged through it before pulling out what appeared to be a small ziplock bag containing five cigarettes. No, they weren’t cigarettes-- they _looked like_  cigarettes but the paper material that was used to roll its contents with was thinner and almost translucent.

“What’s that?” I asked.

Michel looked almost offended. “What, have you been living under a rock? They’re joints!”

“I don’t know what joints are.”

 _“Weed, dude!”_ Michael said in an eager whisper as though he was about to commit a crime that could also be seen as some kind of guilty pleasure. Which it was, technically. Marijuana’s illegal in New Jersey unless you have a medical prescription for it.

“How did you get that?” I asked, intrigued rather than scandalized.

“I found a guy.” Michael answered vaguely with a shrug. He then pulled out a lighter from the pocket of his bag. “I wanted to smoke my first joint with Jeremy but he’s not available and I  _really_ want to try this out as soon as possible.”

“Why me then?”

“Well, it would be pretty boring to smoke by myself, right?”

I looked at the lighter in his hand and suddenly had a bad feeling about this. “Are you sure we’re supposed to be doing this on a  _tree?_ ”

“We can’t do it in my basement. My mom might pick up on the scent.”

“Yeah but still…” I stared at the lighter in his hand.

“Did my dream scare you?” He didn’t sound amused nor was he taunting me. There was a mild tone to it but I couldn’t figure out what it was. It threw me off-guard but it also reassured me that I wasn’t acting like an anxious wimp just because of some lighter.

“I’m not a big fan of fires.” I admitted, much to my surprise. I’ve never said that out loud before.

“Oh…” Michael looked down at his lighter, shrugged, then slipped it back into his bag. “That’s fine. I can smoke with Jeremy tomorrow.”

I didn’t know what happened but the mention of Jeremy tugged something inside me. “No, I still wanna try smoking a joint. I’m curious.”

Michael searched my face. “Are you sure?”

I swallowed. “Yeah. I’ll be fine as long as  _you_ light mine.”

Michael’s smile made its return. “Great! Why don’t you just look away while I light one right now?”

That sounded like a good idea. As he pulled out his lighter again, I closed my eyes. To be honest with myself, I wasn’t really  _that_ curious about marijuana. I didn’t care for it. I didn’t understand my decision to smoke one just because Michael brought Jeremy up but there was no turning back now.

“Here.”

I opened my eyes to see Michael handing me a lit joint. I accepted it and inspected it for a bit. The smell wasn’t as intense as I thought it would be. It smelled like burnt leaves and it brought that bad feeling back. But I swallowed it down and slipped the tip of the joint between my lips, taking a slow drag and feeling the burnt taste on my tongue.

Considering this was my first joint, I thought I was going to end up coughing like they did in the movies.

But apparently, smoking was easier than I thought.

I exhaled the smoke out and looked at Michael who was also taking an experimental drag from his own joint.

“I don’t feel anything.” I said.

“I don’t think the effect starts right away.” Michael said while scrutinizing his joint. “But it sure tastes good.”

“Really? It tastes pretty bad to me.”

“To each their own.”

We then smoked in silence. Michael was uncharacteristically quiet and I figured he wanted to really focus on the impact of the rolled up herbs. I was getting really bored though. Smoking marijuana turned out to be really uneventful and the mainstream media lied about it. That really sucked. I wanted to play video games. Particularly Michael’s video games because he had a lot of interesting vintage ones.

After finishing my second joint, I still felt nothing. Maybe a little relaxed, but it wasn’t life-changing. I looked at Michael and he had a small smile on his face as he lit his third joint.

“Brooke called me a freak today.” I said just for the sake of saying something. The boredom was killing me.

I successfully grabbed Michael’s attention and he looked at me. “A freak? Why?”

I told him what happened in class and he snickered. “Does that mean she thinks all boys with glasses look alike?”

“Probably because we both have dark hair and glasses.” I shrugged.

“Your hair is brown. Mine is black. And I’m way darker. You look like you don’t have a touch of melanin in you.”

“Hey.” I frowned at him, but I wasn’t as pissed as I usually was.

He grinned lazily and leaned back against the wall behind him. “Just teasing. If it makes you feel better, Chloe calls me a freak all the time.”

“Really?”

“Yep. The hallway was really crowded that day and when I tried to push past her, my elbow brushed against her chest and she slapped me. Started calling me a freak after that. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that a girl’s body is the last thing on my mind.”

“That sucks. No wonder those two are best friends.”

“Heh, well, if they see us as four-eyed freaks, then so be it. I say we commence a Four-Eyed Freaks Club-- or F.E.F. for short. I’ll be the president and you can be my vice president.”

“I dunno. That sounds like a lot of work.”

“You gotta daydream with me sometimes, Dick.”

“Okay.”

“Brooke was right about one thing though.”

“What?”

“You are pretty cute.”

That sounded weird coming from a boy and I suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable. “Can we play video games now?”

“Do  _you_ think I’m good-looking?”

Now I was really uncomfortable. “I thought you said you like yourself.”

“I do.”

“Then why do you need my opinion?”

“Just wanna know what my buddy thinks.”

“What does Jeremy think?”

“I’m asking _you,_ dude.”

“I don’t know.” I squirmed a bit on my spot. “I’ve never thought about it.”

“You mean to tell me you didn’t judge a single thing about me the first time you saw me?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“So when you saw me for the first time, the only thing that came to your mind was  _hey, that guy’s wearing glasses like me._ Just like that?”

“More or less.”

“Okay, then I’m gonna give you some time to think about it now.” He moved away from the wall and pulled his legs back a bit so he could have enough room to scoot closer to me. He took another drag from his joint, held his breath for a few seconds, then breathed it out towards the entrance of the treehouse before putting the joint out and facing me again. “Now look at me and decide whether or not you think I’m good-looking.”

I wanted to pull back but I didn’t have enough space behind me anymore. I was practically cornered. “I think the weed is getting to your head.”

“It doesn’t work like that.” Michael shook his head, seemingly proud that he knew I was trying to avoid this topic of conversation. “Now come on. Take a good look at my face and decide.”

I pursed my lips and tried to look at anywhere but him. “This is really weird.”

“Why, because I’m a boy?”

“I don’t like boys.”

“I’m not asking you to kiss me, Goranski. I just wanna know if you think I’m nice to look at.”

I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything.

“Ugh, do you have to be so straight all the time? I just want to know what you think.” He didn’t sound upset but he didn’t sound pleased either as he finally moved away from me. “Straight guys have the most fragile masculinity, seriously.”

When I looked back at him, I found him already focused on lighting another joint. He took a drag, leaned back against the wall behind him, and stared at the ceiling. He looked lost in his own thoughts this time and I imagined he was probably thinking that he should have smoked his first joint with Jeremy after all whose masculinity wasn’t as fragile as mine was. But I couldn’t be too sure if I thought that right. Being with Michael was like taking a test I didn't study for. He was kind of a wild card.

Maybe I should have told him what I thought. Maybe he just needed the same reassurance he gave me.

But I’ve never really thought of him that way.

Until now.

Michael was actually really nice to look at.


	23. Chapter 23

# TWENTY-THREE

“Do you think I’m fat?”

I looked up from the book I was reading to see Christine already sliding her textbooks back into her backpack. We just finished watching _Disney’s Tarzan_ and while we usually played old board games after watching a movie, Christine had insisted that she just wanted to do her homework on my bed instead. I already noticed the moment she came over that something was bothering her, but I didn’t ask. I just waited for her to tell me like she always did.

And I was right.

“Yeah.” I answered honestly. “And you’re also pretty and smart.” It was easier to tell her what I thought of her these days ever since we established our rules.

“You’re supposed to follow that with _but,_ not _and._ ”

I didn’t get it. “Why?”

She looked really upset. “Because being fat isn’t a good thing, Dick. It doesn’t matter if I’m smart or pretty. When it all comes down to it, I’m still chubby.”

I still didn’t get it. “Is that where people draw the line in terms of being likeable? When someone is chubby?”

“Chloe said I’m fat and ugly.” Christine looked like she wanted to cry, but she didn’t. And I found myself hating Chloe more. There was seriously something wrong with that witch.

“Who cares what she thinks?” I scowled. “She’s failing Geometry and all she ever does is kiss Jake’s ass every day.”

That brought a smile to Christine’s face but she was still obviously upset. “Yeah, but people still like her. She’s really pretty…”

“I don’t see it.” Maybe if I didn’t know Chloe, I would have found her pretty too. But I knew her too well to find her as such. A terrible personality can do that to a person. I should know. I wasn’t an exception to that simple rule. “It’s not like you’ll see her again after high school. You’ll probably go to some famous university while she’ll be stuck in community college.”

My words just went over Christine’s head. “Maybe I should stop eating too much…”

“You’re eating fine.” Honestly, the more she talked like this, the more I hated Chloe. “If you want to change the way you look, then you gotta do it for yourself. Unless your goal in life is to impress Chloe like most of those mindless kids at school do?”

Christine pouted at me. “Chloe isn’t _that_ good for me to want to impress her.”

“Exactly.”

“She wouldn’t stop calling me fat though. It’s weird because I’ve never even thought of my size until she pointed it out.”

“High school is stupid.”

She finally giggled. “It really is, huh?”

“Sometimes I feel like we belong in a different planet.”

“Maybe we’re supposed to be in a completely different universe but the evil versions of ourselves just traded places with us and erased all our memories of them kidnapping us.”

“An alternate universe where high school isn’t as shitty as it is right now?”

“An alternate universe where being chubby isn’t bad.”

“An alternate universe where having a lisp isn’t that weird.”

“An alternate universe where girls don’t have the need to tear each other down.”

“An alternate universe where the boys’ main priority isn’t to be on the top of the food chain.”

“That sounds like a dream.”

“A dream I wouldn’t want to wake up from.”

We were smiling at each other and I felt genuinely glad that Christine wasn’t upset anymore. I didn’t like seeing a frown on her face. I knew she didn’t like my frown either which was why I preferred her to be happy. Whenever she was happy, it was like my temper never existed. I then found myself going back to that dream I had of her the other night and it caused a slight jump in my chest.

I probably shouldn’t be thinking about that right now.

“Dick? Hellooooo?” Christine waved her hand in front of my face.

“Huh? What?”

“You were gone for a minute there.” An endearing smile graced her lips. “Are your memories of your evil self finally coming back?”

I smiled back. “Yeah. It turns out _we’re_ the evil ones.”

She gasped theatrically at that. “Plot twist!”

Then we laughed. We laughed as though there was not a single problem in our lives. When I was with Christine, I always forgot the kind of person I was at school-- the kid who hated everyone as much as he hated himself. I didn't feel awkward. I didn't feel uncomfortable. Being with her was easy, but also nerve-wrecking at times.

She was good for me.

But I couldn't tell if I was good for her.

I wanted to be though.

Later that night, I had that dream again.

Christine kissed me on stage.

And I was still a nervous wreck.

I had no idea if that was supposed to mean something.

* * *

I could now confidently say that Jake had really put a stop to his douchey attitude. Not only had he stopped picking on me, but I’ve seen him tell his friends to break it off every time they tried to harass other kids. Just this morning, I saw Jeremy walking down the corridor with a large piece of paper that had the words _“KICK ME”_ stuck to his back. A classic stupid prank. Jake was quick to take it off for him and apologized on behalf of his friends.

Should I be pleased that he wasn’t an asshole anymore?

I didn’t know. He had stopped glancing at my direction every time we passed by each other. I was invisible again-- even to him.

The guy who took delight from tormenting me day after day had completely forgotten about me just as he had promised.

And that wasn’t the only odd thing that caught my attention.

“I think I like someone.”

I overheard Jeremy telling Michael by the lockers just as I opened my own locker. Like always, he didn’t notice me so it only made sense why he was telling this to his best friend even though I was nearby. I know I’ve had myself convinced that I never liked listening in on other people’s conversations but Michael’s failure to react right away seized my attention.

“Come again?” Michael asked. There was something off with his tone.

“I think I like someone!” Jeremy repeated, though more excitedly and a bit husher this time.

“Oh geez.” I could already imagine Michael rolling his eyes without even having to look at him. “I wonder what life lesson you’re gonna get out of this one.” It sounded like he was trying to laugh it off, but it wasn’t very convincing. At least not to me.

Jeremy didn’t seem to have noticed. “I’m serious! Do you know that girl who sits next to you in our World History class?”

“The Chinese girl?”

“Yeah! Her name’s Christine!”

I felt my entire body tense up at the mention of the name. I wanted to walk away. I didn’t want to hear any of this, but then I thought about how he could possibly be talking about a different Christine. It was a common name after all.

This wasn’t my business though. I shouldn’t care about this.

I busied myself with rearranging the things in my locker that didn’t really need rearranging.

“Oh yeah, that girl!” Michael laughed. It didn’t sound right. “She’s pretty cool. Full of energy. Always bounces her knee during a test. Borrows my liquid eraser a lot.”

“Your what?”

“Correction fluid. You know, the thing you use when you accidentally write something wrong with your pen and--”

“Wait wait wait, so you talk to her?”

“Uhh, not really? Dude, you sit right next to me too. Why would I talk to her when I have my own jester to entertain me?” He really was trying hard to make a joke out of this. “Why do you like her? How did this _puppy love_ blossom oh-so-sweetly?”

“Dustin Kropp wouldn’t stop shooting spitballs at me in class earlier and Christine suddenly told him to leave me alone. Can you imagine that? That’s the first time someone has ever stood up for me. She even smiled at me and it was like… like…”

“Oh no, here we go.”

“...like the most dazzling smile I have ever been graced with. Not even the Goddess of Beauty herself could compete with what radiated stunningly within her flawless sweet smile and--”

“You’re going full-on Romeo again, buddy.”

Jeremy quickly cleared his throat. “A-Anyway! I don’t think she knows my name, but I’ve been thinking of possible scenarios that could get her to acknowledge me.”

“Oh man, _this_ I gotta hear.” Michael sounded genuinely amused this time. “You gonna write Mr. Jeremy Canigula all over your notebook later?”

I stopped listening after that. I just quickly shut my locker and walked away.


	24. Chapter 24

# TWENTY-FOUR

“I’m a work in progress!” Christine said gleefully, tugging my hair harder than she should.

“Ow.” I pulled back and looked up at from where she was sitting on my bed, her hairbrush in hand. Her hair-- that was growing faster than she liked-- was tied up in several braids. “Try not to rip my freaking head off while you’re doing this, will you?” All the elastic rubber hair ties she had used in tying a few portions of my hair were already giving me a headache.

She giggled. “Sorry.”

I let her resume her work as I flipped through my comic book.

“But back to the topic,” Christine went on. “aren’t you proud of me for sticking up for that boy?”

She was talking about Jeremy. I had a feeling she was going to mention the very same story Jeremy told Michael the other day and as happy as I was to know that she was finally finding the courage to stick up for others, the only thing that kept crawling into my mind was the fact that Jeremy liked her. It wasn’t my business. But the thought wouldn’t leave me alone.

“Do you know the kid who you stood up for?” I asked.

“Oh! That’s… That’s a good question. I’ve never really talked to him.”

I swallowed down my relief. “Okay. That’s--”

“He has such a cute smile though.”

“What?”

“His smile! His smile reaches his eyes and he looks so adorable!”

I remembered Jeremy liking her smile just as much. “How many classes do you have with him anyway?” I didn’t like how I was asking these questions. It felt like I was interrogating her even though I didn’t mean to come off that way. It was her life. She could meet and like whoever she wanted, even if it absolutely had nothing to do with me.

“Honestly?” Christine brushed my hair with her fingers instead of her brush. “I don’t know. Which is weird because I’ve known him since seventh grade but I always forget his name. He looks like a nice guy though. Do you… Do you think I should try and get to know him?”

Why was she asking me this?

“Do you like him?” The question was out of my lips before I could even give it a chance to ponder on it. I didn’t like what was brewing inside me but I couldn’t control it. I never cared about who Christine hung out with so it didn’t make any sense why Jeremy was an exception to this. If anything, I should be pleased by this. If she befriends Jeremy, then she befriends Michael. And since I was already friends with Michael _and_ Christine, the four of us could have our own little circle and maybe I wouldn’t end up eating by myself in the cafeteria anymore.

That would have been the ideal scenario.

But recalling the way Jeremy talked about Christine that day left a bad taste in my mouth.

Christine was quiet after hearing my question and she stopped brushing my hair. I didn’t want to look at her. My question was invasive and annoying. I knew that now. I would have been really annoyed if I was in her shoes.

“Maybe. I don’t know.” Her tone was still undeservingly kind. “But… he is cute… and tall.”

I regretted asking.

“But it’s silly.” She resumed to brushing and tying my hair. “It’s not like he notices me anyway. Not when we have Brooke and Chloe in our class. He can do so much better than me but that’s fine. I don’t mind. I’m perfectly okay with just looking at him from afar.”

“You’re beating yourself up again.” I frowned. I didn’t like her answer, but I absolutely hated the way she thought so low of herself.

Huh. That was rich coming from me.

“That’s rich coming from you.” She said my exact same thoughts with a giggle.

I rolled my eyes, but her statement didn’t prick me at all. “I’m not _that_ pessimistic, you know.”

“You so are.” She gave my head a pat before handing me her compact mirror. I looked at my reflection and fought back a cringe at the sight-- she had braided my hair in different directions. My hairstyle matched hers. I caught her proud smile in the mirror and I made a face at her which made her laugh.

“I look worse than I already do.” I looked up at her, feeling one of the braids between my fingers.

“See? You’re being pessimistic again!”

“What can I say? It turns out we all hate ourselves anyway.”

Her giggles faded at that and she shrugged, a sad smile on her dainty features. “Yeah. We can’t all be Jake and Chloe.”

There was something off in her tone. “Do you want to be?” I asked, studying her face. “Do you want to be like Chloe?”

“Don’t _you_ want to be like Jake?”

Clearly, both of our questions threw us off because we suddenly grew quiet. I didn’t even know where this hesitation was coming from. I didn’t like Jake. Frankly, I didn’t even know if I should believe this whole _nice guy_ act he was pulling. It could be his way of making me put my guard down so he could ambush me when the time was right. And everyone will be on his side, cheering him on.

Or maybe I really was just being pessimistic.

Jake had it easy. No matter what he did, he could get away with anything from his winning smile to his upbeat attitude. I used to think that people only let his vulgar personality fall between the cracks because he was a good-looking guy. But now with his whole new thoughtful personality breaking through, everyone had started liking him inside and out. The teachers loved him. The students loved him. Even the most popular female freshman wanted to be his girlfriend.

People would think twice about poking fun at him-- if there was _anything_ about him that was worth poking fun at.

Thinking about that now, I realized.

Who _wouldn’t_ want to be Jake Dillinger?

“So what’s your answer?” I pressed, looking back at Christine.

Christine didn’t answer right away. But when she did, she just made a weird sound with her mouth as she waved her hand dismissively in the air. It was a long, high-pitched, and garbled sound. She was probably trying to make an answer but came up with nothing halfway. I didn’t hide my bewilderment and that must have embarrassed her because she suddenly grabbed my head and forced me to look away from her.

“I’m not weird.” She grumbled. “I’m not. I’m not weird.” She sounded like she was convincing herself, rather than convincing me.

I was still a bit bewildered by that but I just shrugged. “I didn’t say you were.”

That night in my room, I opened the shoebox again and just studied the pill. I found myself doing this a lot recently before going to sleep. Nothing went through my mind while doing so. I just stared at it.

Then I dropped it and went to sleep.

* * *

Michael and I haven’t hung out ever since Jeremy broke the news to him about liking Christine. He would send me a text every now and then, but he hadn’t invited me over. Christine and I were watching Funny Girl on the night of our school’s Sadie Hawkins dance when Michael sent me a photo of him and Jeremy smoking pot while watching The Silence Of The Lambs. They didn’t go to the dance either. But I didn’t know why he sent me the photo.

“Who’s that?” Christine tried to peer at my phone but I successfully moved it away from her line of sight before she could catch a glimpse of it.

“Nobody.”

She arched a brow at me. “Then why are you hiding it?”

“Because I like privacy.”

“Is it your giiiirlfriend?” She teased.

I jokingly wrinkled my nose at her. “You would know if it was.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you’d be the first person to know.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet!”

Her response bothered me a bit but I didn’t say anything after that. She dropped it with a shrug and went back to watching the movie.

Michael did this a lot after that. Nearly every night, he would send me a picture of what he was up to even though I never really asked for it. He was always with Jeremy. No surprise there. And of course, I felt obligated to respond to those pictures every single time. Eventually, I had enough of this strange new habit of his and I decided to ask what was going on just right after he sent me a picture of him playing Apocalypse of the Damned by himself.

I started keying in my message.

**“okay, why are you doing this?”**

His reply came less than a minute. **“doing what, my man?”**

**“why are you sending me pictures of the things you’re doing every night?”**

**“because its fun? u can do it 2 if u want! :)”**

**“are you /really/ interested in what i do every night?”**

**“why wouldnt i be?? i barely know ur interests anyway so this should be interesting”**

**“it’s really not.”**

**“wanna come over? i still have some pot here”**

**“man, you’ve become a stoner”**

**“:P my parents arent home and micahs asleep so come on!!!”**

**“where's jeremy?”**

**“i dont feel like talking 2 him right now”**

I stared at the last message he just sent me. Something felt off about it. I didn’t know what made him want to invite me over out of the blue when he hadn’t been doing that for a while now but I felt like it wouldn’t be a good idea to turn him down. I glanced at the time on my phone and after seeing that it was quarter to 11, I knew right away that Rob wasn’t going to like the idea of driving me to Michael’s this late.

I decided to use my old bicycle instead.

**“okay, i’m coming over.”**

**“thanks :)”**


	25. Chapter 25

# TWENTY-FIVE

It took me longer than usual to get to Michael’s place and when I did, I found him sitting on the front porch-- drawing nonexistent circles on the floor. He was wearing his old hoodie again. Through the window, I could see that the light in the living room was still turned on which meant Micah’s babysitter was still awake. I remembered Michael telling me once how much he didn’t like the lady because she took her job ‘too seriously’. But I knew he only didn't like her because she found his marijuana stash and promised not to tell his parents if he gave all of it to her.

A smile lit up Michael’s face when he saw me. He was the only person I knew-- aside from Christine-- who always looked happy to see me and I never understood why. I barely contributed much to our conversations.

“Hey buddy. Sorry for making you come here on short notice.”

I joined him on the porch and looked ahead at their clean front lawn. “It’s fine. I couldn't sleep anyway.”

“Really? Something on your mind?”

“Yeah. But that's not new.”

“Wanna smoke it out?”

I looked at him and he still had a smile on his face in spite of his tone sounding a bit off. He was trying to forget about something. That much I could tell.

When we got to his treehouse, I wasn’t surprised to see that he already had his stash hidden inside. We’ve smoked in his basement before but since his babysitter was present, it only made sense why he decided to do this in his treehouse. I settled down on my usual spot and accepted the joint just after he lit it up for me while I wasn’t looking.

The evening air was uncomfortably cold and I regretted not bringing my jacket with me.

We smoked in silence for a while.

“I finally told Jeremy I’m gay.” Michael spoke up.

I looked at him, not expecting to have this kind of conversation. I couldn’t see his face clearly in the dark, but his entire body was tensed. It looked like the weed wasn’t getting into his system yet.

“What did he say?”

He shrugged. “He was cool about it.”

“That’s it?”

“He asked me how long I’ve known and I told him since third grade. He didn’t freak out or acted weird about it. It almost felt like he already knew.”

“That’s good then.”

“It is. It really is.” He didn’t sound very relieved though. “But… I dunno, man. I guess I was expecting something else.”

“Something else?”

He took a deep drag from his joint but ended up coughing it out. I reached out to pat his back but he just held his hand up to let me know that he was fine. Our fingers brushed and I immediately drew back from him.

“Sorry.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me today.”

I stayed quiet and just watched him. He had something more to say. He _always_ had something more to say so I stayed quiet.

“Maybe I’m being selfish.” He went on, bumping his head back slightly against the wall behind him. “Maybe I want to get out of this. Is it weird that I wanted Jeremy to react poorly to me being gay? I mean, I’m really relieved that I’m still his best friend but at the same time… it’s so hard. It’s so hard being his best friend. I’m not saying he’s high maintenance. If anything, I should be worried for being so high maintenance. But that’s my point. Jeremy is the most perfect best friend a guy could ever ask for. And I wanna match that, ya know?”

His thoughts were all over the place, I realized. I didn’t understand what he was trying to say but I still stayed quiet.

Michael ran his fingers through his short dark hair.

“Maybe I wanted him to react badly because that could have given me a reason to end it between us.” His voice hitched by the end of his sentence and he shook his head. “But I don’t want to end it between us. But I also want to, you know? Is that weird?”

“It is.” I answered honestly. I still didn’t get where he was going with this.

“I knew it.” He sighed. “Jeremy deserves so much better.”

I really shouldn’t ask, but I still did anyway. “Is there a reason why you want to end things with him in the first place?”

A lackluster laugh slipped past his lips at that. “It’s… hard to explain. Do you know Christine Canigula?”

I nodded, already not liking what he was about to say next. “Yeah. What about her?”

“She’s all he ever talks about.”

“Oh.”

“And it’s hard.”

“I see.”

I was starting to get an idea about where he was going with this.

“How do you know Christine?” He then asked me.

“She’s a friend of mine.” The answer flowed out of me naturally and it threw me off-guard.

“No kidding?” He chuckled, but it didn’t sound genuine. “Small world. How come I never see you hanging out with her at school? She’s a girl after all. You wouldn’t feel so ashamed to be seen with her.”

That hit a nerve. I knew what he was implying and he had it all wrong. “Didn’t I tell you before that I just don’t want Jake or Chloe going all up my business about the two of us?” My words were almost a snap, but it was toned down. I had the joint to thank for easing down my temper.

But Michael was unfazed. “Sure, because being gay is such a humiliating thing to be seen as, right?”

I scowled at him. “I didn’t say that.”

“Then what _are_ you trying to say?” He challenged.

“Just because you can’t argue with Jeremy doesn’t mean you can take all your frustrations out on me, Mell. I’m not your fucking punching bag.”

“Then just tell me why you don’t want to be seen with me.” He was starting to raise his voice and I was getting more pissed.

“I already told you why.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it!”

“Fuck off. I didn’t come here to argue with you.”

“Then why the hell did you come here?!”

“Because you asked me to!”

“I didn’t force you to!”

“Fine then! I’m going home!” I put my joint out and made a move to climb down the treehouse.

But Michael suddenly grabbed my arm.

“N-No wait! Don’t go!” The desperation in his voice was hard to miss. “I… I don't wanna be by myself right now.”

I stopped and looked at him. He had moved closer to the entrance and from the moonlight streaming through the leaves, I could see a conflicted look on his face. I wanted to rip my arm away from his grip and leave but really, it was hard to say no to him. Nevertheless, I frowned at him and pulled away from his hold.

“If you have a problem with Jeremy, take it out on him. I have nothing to do with whatever issues you two have.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.” Now Michael looked embarrassed as he shrunk back to his spot. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

I studied him for a bit. He had gone back to focusing on smoking his joint, his posture still a bit tensed but more relaxed than earlier. I didn’t really wanna go back home. There wasn’t even a _home_ to go back to, really. I moved back to my own spot but I didn’t bother asking Michael to light my joint again.

“If it makes you feel better,” I started and he looked at me. “it was my decision to not be seen with Christine at school too.”

“Wait, really? Why?”

“Chloe will just pick on her more if she sees us together. Same thing goes for you. I’m not publicly hanging out with you not because I don’t want to be seen as gay, but because I know how Jake and his friends are like. They’re going to treat you the way they treat me and I don’t want to drag you down with me.”

“O-Oh…” Michael looked down at his lap. “Wow. Now I feel like a total ass.”

“That’s because you are.” I felt a grin stretching my lips.

He laughed. “Man, I suck! I don’t even know why you still hang out with me.”

“You’re fun.” I shrugged.

“Thanks.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “You’re fun too. But honestly speaking, I don’t think Jake would pick on me. Have you noticed him lately? He’s different.”

“Yeah.” I couldn’t stop myself from feeling bitter by that fact. “He’s changed for the better.”

“Do you have any idea what changed him?”

“Who knows?”

“Well, his decent kindness just makes him cuter.”

“You think Jake is cute?”

“Don’t you?”

That was a weird question to ask me. “Everyone thinks he’s cute.”

Michael laughed. ”Hah! Nice save, Goranski.”

I laughed too and just like that, the tension between us was gone. It was like we never fought at all.

“I heard he got his first kiss with Chloe at the Sadie Hawkins dance.” Michael started lighting his second joint after I turned down his offer for another one.

“Where did you hear that?”

“Jenna Rolan talks really loudly in class.”

I breathed out a laugh at that. “Good for him then.”

“Have _you_ had your first kiss yet?”

My mind went back to the dream I had with Christine and how nervous I was at the time. I shook the thought away and eyed Michael. “Have you?”

“I asked you first.”

“No, I haven’t. Now answer mine.”

“I haven’t either.” He grinned. “But Jeremy has. We were ten when it happened. There was this girl in our neighborhood who wanted to spread cooties to boys and Jeremy was her very first victim. He was so devastated by it because he always wanted his first kiss to be romantic and meaningful.”

I laughed. “At least he now knows what a girl’s lips feel like. If his second kiss comes along, he wouldn’t be so nervous by then.”

“So you think you’d be hella nervous with your first kiss?”

He was teasing me, but it didn’t bother me. Because I knew he’d be nervous as fuck too once he faced the opportunity of having his first kiss.

“I think it’s normal to be nervous.” I said. “Firsts are always nerve-wrecking.”

“Yeah, but what if you get so nervous that you end up ruining everything? I wouldn’t want my first kiss to be like that.”

“Me neither.”

And then we were quiet. Michael looked lost in his own thoughts and I was starting to feel a bit awkward. I only realized now that our topic of conversation was kinda personal. Then Michael put out his joint and moved closer to me. There was something different in his expression. There were traces of embarrassment and determination mixed up in there and I felt a crawling sensation against my skin.

I leaned back against the wall behind me as soon as he was sitting back on his legs in front of me.

“I have a crazy idea.” He said, his voice a bit shaky.

“Oh boy.”

“But you don’t have to say yes. It’s just a crazy suggestion.”

“I’m not kissing you, Michael.” I beat him to what I was sure he was going to say, feeling my face already heat up just by the mere thought of it.

Michael looked taken aback by my statement. “Wha-- how did you know--”

“Just took a wild guess.”

“Would it have embarrassed you if you guessed wrong?”

“Did I guess wrong?”

“Well-- no.”

“Then I’m not kissing you.”

“Why not?” He didn’t sound offended by it. Just curious.

“I’ve told you before. I don’t like boys.”

“You’ve never kissed a girl either so how are you sure you only like girls?”

“That’s sneaky.”

“Come on! What have we got to lose?” He took my hand in his and squeezed it pleadingly. “I don’t want my first kiss to be a mess, Dick. Whenever I think about it, I freak out because I’m scared that I might screw it up. But if I have my first kiss with you, then maybe the next person I kiss wouldn’t be such a disaster.”

I frowned. “What makes you think kissing me wouldn’t be a disaster?”

“Because I don’t get nervous around you.”

I didn’t know why but his answer sorta ticked me off a bit. “And what do I get out of this?”

“The same thing that I get! You’d know what a kiss would feel like and you wouldn’t be a nervous wreck the next time it happens. If you like someone right now, you can just close your eyes and pretend you’re having that moment with her.”

This was making me nervous. Really nervous. What Michael said made perfect sense but I’ve never imagined myself having my first kiss with a boy. It wasn’t uncomfortable to think about, but I was still rather apprehensive about it. It was the same feeling I had when I had that dream of Christine.

I swallowed. “I dunno…”

“It’ll be easy, man. Just close your eyes. Kiss. And then we’re done.”

I met Michael’s eyes and much to my surprise, he looked just as nervous as I was despite what he said. That was comforting to know.

“Fine.” I conceded. “But I’m doing this as a _favor._ So you owe me one.”

Michael grinned. “Okay, okay. Deal.”

I then scratched the back of my neck and looked at anywhere but him. My heart was pounding really hard in my chest and it was starting to give me a slight headache. “So, uh, how do we do this?”

“Just close your eyes.”

“This isn’t a prank, is it? You’re not just going to leave me while I have my eyes closed like an idiot?”

That made him laugh. “Of course not! Just trust me.”

“Okay.”

I closed my eyes. After a few seconds, I felt Michael reaching for my glasses and taking them off. I furrowed my brows a bit. I wasn’t comfortable without my glasses but I decided against opposing. This wasn’t the time for that anyway. I sat still on my spot, my hands gripping hard on the fabric of my pants and my heart racing wildly inside my chest. It wasn’t the same feeling that I had in my dream anymore. This was different, but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was exactly.

I felt Michael’s presence leaning in closer and I held my breath.

Then he kissed me.

And after a second, I kissed him back.

His lips felt cold and somewhat wet against mine.

There was a light feeling in my chest and in my stomach.

Then Michael pulled away and I slowly opened my eyes to find him still close to me, staring right back with a timid expectant look on his face. I was nearsighted so it was easy to see his expression.

“Well?” He asked after visibly swallowing.

I licked my lips. “Well what?”

“How do you feel?”

I felt lightheaded, but I didn’t know how to say that without sounding lame. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Michael sounded disappointed. “You didn’t think of anybody during what we just did?”

“Not really.”

“Weird…”

Somehow, I already knew the answer to the question I was about to ask. “Did _you_ think of anybody during what we did?”

Michael didn’t answer right away. But when he did, I wasn’t surprised.

“I thought of Jeremy.”

I regretted asking.

He sighed and leaned his forehead against my shoulder. He didn’t just smell like coconut soap anymore. There was a faint scent of weed on him too that was only noticeable if he was this close to me. He sighed again.

“This is hard.” He said, tired.

I reached up to pat him gently on the back.

“I know.”

“You must think I’m pretty pathetic, huh?”

“I still think you’re cool.” I was surprised by how honest those words felt. I only meant to say them as a way to cheer him up.

“Cool?” Michael made a bitter-sounding chuckle and he drew away from me, a lackluster smile on his lips. “You’re not kidding?”

“I’m not.” I shook my head. “Sometimes, I wish I could see the world through your eyes. Then maybe I wouldn’t be so pessimistic all the time.”

That lit his smile up a bit. “For what it’s worth, I sometimes wish I could see the world through _your_ eyes so I wouldn’t be such a naive idiot all the time.”

I smiled back at him. “People always want what they don’t have.”

“That’s normal, right?”

“God, I hope so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Lovely Dick/Michael art](https://www.instagram.com/p/Bg8DHYOn-oG/) by [hohnoni!](http://hohnoni.tumblr.com/)


	26. Chapter 26

# TWENTY-SIX

Rob drove us to school on a Saturday night to watch Christine’s play. I joined him and Jevonne inside the vehicle this time but only because Jevonne brought a pack of Combos with him and I could never say no to the offer of free food.

“You know, I always have this theory about your temper.” Rob nudged my elbow without taking his eyes off the road.

“Keep it to yourself.” I said even though I knew my words will just fly over his head.

And they did. “I think the reason why you’re so angry all the time is because you’re always hungry. Also explains why you're not so much of a brat whenever Jevonne’s around since he always has food with him.”

“ _Or,_ ” Jevonne wagged his finger at Rob’s direction, so really he was wagging his finger in front of me. “maybe your brother just likes me more than he likes you. Just a crazy thought, Robin.”

“Yeah, he’s right.” I jutted my thumb at Jevonne. “I like him more. The snacks are just an awesome bonus.”

Jevonne and I high-fived at that.

“Wait a minute, I cook your meals everyday!” Rob nudged me again.

I shrugged. “You’re okay.”

Jevonne hooted loudly at that and Rob nudged me harder this time. But I caught the amused smile on his face so I knew he didn’t take my words seriously. They weren’t meant to be taken seriously anyway. When we got to the parking lot, I was surprised to see the number of cars everywhere. The actors’ families must have all been looking forward to this. Nevertheless, it took a long time for Rob to find a parking space and when he did, we immediately rushed to the school’s auditorium.

And the play had already started.

I didn’t care what we could have possibly missed out on, but I hoped Christine didn’t notice that I wasn’t around. We took our seats at the far back and watched.

I caught Christine standing with the Lost Boys and I only realized that majority of the actors were girls. Some I even recognized as her friends. Even Peter Pan was a girl. The only male actor I noticed was Captain Hook who also played Mr. George Darling and I recognized him as Mr. Reyes-- the bearded balded literature teacher who really, really liked Hot Pockets.

The play was almost hard to watch.

Everyone was nervous. They kept forgetting their lines and their eyes were always shifting from one side to the other. Christine wasn’t at her best either. At one point, she completely forgot what she was supposed to say and just froze on stage. I recognized one of Jake’s friends from the audience shouting, _“Wonton Soup no speakuh Engrish!”_

Most of the students in the audience laughed at that, but then he got escorted out by a member of the faculty. I really wanted to punch the smug grin off of his face but Rob gave me a stern look and I kept still. It was difficult to keep my temper in throughout the night.

All in all, the play was a disaster but everyone was good enough of a sport to still applaud them. I did as well.

“Well that was uncomfortable.” Rob said as soon as the show was over. “Come on, let’s go home.”

“I wanna see Christine first.” I insisted, standing up as well.

“You sure?” Jevonne asked. “She didn’t look very happy during the curtain call. She probably wants to be alone with her parents right now.”

“I just wanna see if she’s okay.”

Rob and Jevonne shared a look-- the kind of look parents give each other whenever they tried to make a silent decision together without having to let their kid know what they’ve decided on. I remembered mom and dad using that look a lot every time I told them I just wanted to write and not play with the other kids at the playground.

“Okay, fine.” Rob sighed, ruffling my hair as he did so. “Five minutes, okay?”

“We’ll wait for you in the car.” Jevonne added.

“All right.” I fixed my hair and brushed past them to head for backstage.

It was almost hard to get past everyone in the auditorium, but I could hear most of them voicing out their disappointments about the play. I even found Jake walking out with his friends who were all still laughing at the racist joke one of their buddies shouted. Jake didn’t look as impressed as they did but he was quiet. I waited for them to leave the auditorium before continuing on towards my destination.

I climbed up the stairs and stepped into the backstage to look for Christine.

There were a lot of people there, carrying props around and trying to get everything cleared out before they could head home. It was hard to catch sight of Christine because most of the actors were still present, talking to their friends and family. I was just glad that nobody gave me a single glance. I didn’t need anyone asking me what I was doing there.

Finally, I caught sight of Christine.

But that was what put a stop to my steps.

She was crying.

She was crying hard in her dad’s arms while her mom brushed her hair with her fingers.

I felt something painful tightening in my throat as I stood there, watching her. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to talk to her but at the same time, I somehow knew she didn’t want me to see her like this.

She was so excited about this play. She wouldn’t stop rehearsing her lines with me.

And now to see all her hard work crumble just like that...

I wanted to be there for her.

But I was probably the last person she wanted to see right now.

So without a word, I turned back.

* * *

Christine stopped coming over. I’ve sent her several text messages but she never replied to any of them. She still went to school but she always looked really down. None of her friends seemed to have noticed though. I didn’t know what to do so I decided to ask Michael for advice as much as I didn’t want to. I still felt a bit awkward about the whole kiss fiasco but I didn’t know who else to ask.

I called his phone.

And not to my surprise, he answered right away.

_“Whoooaaa, am I dreaming or are you actually using your phone as a phone too?”_

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t get cocky, Michael. I just need your advice on something.”

_“Well this is going to be good.”_

“It’s about Christine.”

_“Oh, did you go to see her play? That was disaster piling on disaster.”_

“She did her best.”

_“You sound like Jeremy. But yeah, I feel bad for her. I tried talking to her the other day in class but it was like talking to a wall.”_

“Was she really that bad though? I think she did okay.”

_“Well yeah, you like her so…”_

I paused for a second. “What?”

_“I’m just saying the obvious! You didn’t look really happy when I told you that Jeremy likes her.”_

“I don’t think you know me well enough-- I _always_ don’t look happy.”

_“Fair enough. So what advice do you seek, my dear bespectacled comrade?”_

“She’s not talking to me. She wouldn’t return any of my messages and she hasn’t been coming over. I know she’s upset about the play but… I just wanna know how she’s doing.”

_“Hmm… have you ever thought of stopping by at her house?”_

That… made sense. Why didn’t I think of that?

“I’ve never been to her house.”

_“Do you know where she lives?”_

“Rob does.”

_“Then go visit her now. She probably doesn’t have the energy to go to your place. Maybe your house is just as depressing as you are.”_

“Hey.” I frowned.

He laughed, and I knew that his words weren’t serious. _“Go talk to her, dude. She could use an actual friend right now.”_

“Okay, thanks.”

_“No problem. You should start with an icebreaker, yeah? Tell her that most toilets flush in E flat. I saw that on TV and--”_

I didn’t have enough time so I hung up on him and went to Rob’s room to ask him to drive me to Christine’s place. Rob was happy to comply and drove me. When we got there, I wasn’t entirely sure if we were at the right place.

Christine’s house was nearly enormous.

There was a large flowering garden in their front yard with a small fountain on the side. Instead of a simple front door, they had two contemporary front doors with a tall window on each side.

I sat still on my seat. “Are you sure this is the right house?”

“Yeah.” Rob peered over at my window. “I met her dad a couple of times before. His car keeps breaking down for some reason.”

This was weird. Christine never gave off the ‘rich girl’ kind of vibe. Another media representation has fooled me.

“Go on.” Rob unclasped my seatbelt for me. “I’ve got other stuff to do. Just call me when you want me to pick you up.”

I hesitated for a while but eventually stepped of the vehicle, keeping my backpack slung over my shoulder. I looked at my brother who winked at me through the window.

“Good luck, kid!”

Then he drove off.

I turned to look at the ridiculously huge house behind me and gripped the strap of my backpack tighter. What if Christine really didn’t want to see me today? What if her parents didn’t like me? What if they kick me out the second I start talking because they didn’t like my lisp? I immediately slapped my cheek in an attempt to wake myself up from those unwanted thoughts. They raised Christine and Christine was an undoubtedly nice person. Of course her parents would be nice as well.

I walked over to their front doors and after a minute or two of hesitation, I reached up and rang their doorbell.

Their housekeeper was the first one to answer.

“Can I help you?” She looked down at me with an inquisitive look.

“E-Erm…” The words got caught in my throat. “I-I… well… I’m uh… I’m…”

_“Suzie, who’s at the door?”_

A feminine husky voice that was bordering on sultry came up and I immediately recognized Christine’s mom walking to the door. There was almost a cryptic hint to her expression, though I could tell that was just the way she looked. She looked like someone who knew everyone’s secrets but was keeping all of it to herself until she could use it for her personal gain. Unlike her daughter, this woman was soaked in luxury from her diamond earrings to her pointed high-heeled shoes. Her long dark hair was up in an accessorized bun.

I guess she was on her way to an important party or something.

“Yes, what can I help you with?” Despite the natural meanness in her face, her tone was gentle.

I cleared my throat. “I’m… h-here for Christine.”

“I’m sorry but she’s not open to seeing anyone today. Why don’t you come back some other time--”

“I-I just wanna see if she’s okay!” I blurted out, hating how desperate I sounded and absolutely hating my lisp. She just stared down at me with a mildly surprised look. I cleared my throat again and rubbed the back of my neck. “I’m… My name is Dick. I don’t know if she’s mentioned me but I’m a friend of hers and I’m really worried about her.”

“Dick?” The look of surprise on her face faded and she smiled warmly at me. “Oh yes, she’s talked about you. I am so glad you came by. Come on in, darling.”

“Okay…” I stepped onto their marble floor and their housekeeper pushed the door closed.

“Follow me. She’s upstairs.” Mrs. Canigula laid her hand gently on my shoulder and led me upstairs. “I take it that you’ve seen her play?”

“Um, yes. I have.”

“It was a catastrophe. Of course, I didn’t tell my daughter that. Quite frankly, there were actors far more worse than her. And that young man who spat out that intolerant buffoonery? I almost tore the entire school down yesterday.”

“Yesterday?”

“I barged into your principal’s office, Dick. And I gave him a piece of my mind. Who knows what else these kids have been doing to my sweet _xingan_ whenever her father and I aren’t around?

“Yeah… Christine deserves better than that.”

“That’s what I told your lazy principal. Christine hasn’t been herself since that day and I honestly don’t know what else to do. None of her friends seem to be doing anything to cheer her up.”

I looked up at her. “Nobody’s stopped by?”

She shook her head. “You’re the first one.”

We stopped in front of a clean white door that had a large golden star on it with Christine’s full name embedded below.

She really had always been a dreamer.

Mrs. Canigula lightly squeezed my shoulder. “Dick, sweetie… I want you to do your best, all right? There is nothing more painful to a mother than seeing her own daughter this upset and not being able to do anything to help her. Can I put my trust in you?”

I swallowed thickly at the thought of being trusted this much. I didn’t know what Christine told her about me that made her see me this way but it seemed like saying no wouldn’t be the wisest thing to do right now. I gave her a shaky nod. “I’ll try my best, Mrs. Canigula.”

She smiled at that and gave me a kiss on the cheek, just like what Michael’s mom did.

“I’ll be counting on you.”

And with that, she left me alone.

I stared at the door for a moment, wondering what Christine could possibly be doing at the other side. Crying, probably. I hoped not. I knocked on the door but didn’t hear a response. I tried again but there was still no answer. I reached for the other strap of my backpack and hooked it over my shoulder before leaning into the door.

“Hey, Christine?” I knocked again. “It’s… It’s Dick.”

She still didn’t say anything. Was she even in her room?

I tried twisting her doorknob and surprisingly enough, it was unlocked. I pushed the door open and peered inside.

Her room was dark. None of the lights were on and her large white curtains have been slid closed to hide her windows. There were a lot of theater posters on her walls and she had her very own vanity table. It was the only furniture in her room that showed her family’s luxury. I glanced over to the bed and saw a huge lump under the covers, trembling.

“Christine?” I called out to her as softly as I could.

Her trembling suddenly stopped. “D-Dick?” She didn’t get up to look at me. “What… What are you doing here?”

“I came to see how you’re doing.” I stepped into her room and carefully closed the door behind me.

“D-Don’t come near me! I’m gross.”

“Crying isn’t gross.” I stayed still anyway. “Can we talk?”

She didn’t respond but I could see her moving under the covers. She then sat up, her back turned to me as she wiped her face with the sleeve of her blue sweater. “Did you see the play?” She asked.

I took a step closer. “Yeah…”

“Did Rob see it?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I hate myself.”

“Don’t say that.” I took a few more steps closer to her.

“That was my first play, Dick.” She sniffled, her shoulders trembling again. “I thought I had what it takes but… apparently, I don’t. I’ve wasted my time thinking I could be what I wanted to be. I was such a disaster. I don’t even want to show my face at school anymore. I’m such an embarrassment.”

“You weren’t the worst one there.” I stood by her bed at this point. “Besides, it was your first. Firsts are always nerve-wrecking.”

“But what if it becomes a consistent thing? What if I freeze on stage again? What if someone makes fun of me again?” Her voice cracked and she started crying again, taking her pillow and burying her face into it. She said something else but her words were muffled.

I sighed and sat down on the edge of her bed. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t want to lie and tell her that she did good on stage. I figured she would have hated that more. But I couldn’t tell her that she was terrible at it either-- I was sure she'd heard enough from those theater critics at school. I reached out and rubbed her back comfortingly. Somehow, that worked a bit because her trembling subsided.

“You know,” I began. “I joined a talent show once.”

“W-What?” Christine turned her head a bit to the side but she didn’t fully face me.

“Back when I was eight years old, I joined our school’s talent show. I wanted to make my mom proud. She used to tell me about all the amazing things she did when she was younger and I just wanted to be just as talented as she was. But the thing is, I have no talent. Not a single one. So when it was my time to showcase my talent, I just sang the national anthem. I think I sounded like a dying walrus.”

That made her giggle a bit and I smiled at her.

“What made it worse was that I sang some of the lyrics wrong so everyone was bursting out laughing. The staff had to turn my mic off because they were scared that I might offend some people. I… I cried a lot after that.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. I cried to my mom. I was just so humiliated and I felt like I’ve let her down. But what she told made me feel better.”

Christine turned to face me now, curiosity written all over her tear-stained face. “What did she say?”

“She said that whatever failure I face, I should just see it as a funny and interesting anecdote to add to my success story. She told me that people never learn from success, they learn from mistakes.”

That made her smile. It was the kind of smile that made her face glow again and I only realized now how much I missed seeing it.

“That’s… really nice.” She said with a soft chuckle. “I never looked at it that way.”

“Mom is clever like that.” I shrugged, returning her smile.

“You’ve never talked about your mom before.”

“I figured that’s the story she would have wanted me to tell you.”

Her smile widened and she reached out to hold my hand. “Thank you, Dick. I really needed that.”

I looked down at our hands and felt a sudden jump in my chest. I heard her sigh and before I could say anything, she suddenly jumped in and hugged me. I almost lost my balance but I managed to regain it, my arm going around her waist while my other hand pressed down against the mattress to support both of us. I felt her giggle against my chest and warmth rose up my face.

Shit, could she feel my heartbeat?

She then looked up at me and I looked down at her. A shy smile graced her lips.

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t really like Jeremy. At least not like _that_.”

“Oh…”

“I just said that because I wanted to see your reaction.”

I didn’t know what else to say so I just nodded my head.

“Okay.”


	27. Chapter 27

# TWENTY-SEVEN

Micah eventually grew out of his shyness and started showing his face more whenever I came over. Whether we would spend our time at the living room watching a movie or down at the basement to play video games, Micah was there. Michael never seemed to be too pleased about his brother’s presence though. We couldn’t smoke pot if the younger boy was around after all. But I didn’t mind. Micah only kept to himself and just watched us play video games. He never had a single comment.

“Micah, what are you doing here?” Michael asked him at one point after pausing our game.

Micah, who was sitting on the beanbag chair by himself with a bag of doritos in his hands, looked up at his older brother. “I’m watching.” His voice sounded smaller than I thought.

“I thought you’re catching up on that anime show you like so much?”

“I’m already caught up.”

“Isn’t it time for  _ lola’s  _ vitamins?”

“I already made sure she had them before coming down here.”

“Don’t you have anything else to do today?”

“I like watching you guys play.”

“Then how come you don’t bother watching whenever Jeremy comes over?”

Now Micah looked embarrassed and said something that sounded Spanish. Michael responded in the same language and now I just watched them go back and forth without knowing what exactly they were talking about. I could have sworn I heard my name in their discussion and I just got more intrigued. But when I realized Micah was getting upset, I cleared my throat to earn their attention.

The two brothers looked at me.

“Erm,” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I don’t really mind Micah being here.”

“But dude, I want to…” Michael made a gesture of smoking a joint and I gave him a judgmental look.

“You’d kick your own brother out just to do  _ that? _ ”

“Do what?” Micah piped in.

“But Diiiiiick.” Michael whined at me. He was even more childish than his own younger brother. 

“What are you guys going to do?” Micah pressed and I realized that was the longest sentence he had ever said to me. 

“Nothing.” I said. “Your brother--”

“We’re gonna make out.” Michael cut me off. “If you want a front row seat, then be my guest.”

I couldn’t stop myself from rolling my eyes at Michael’s ridiculous efforts in trying to get rid of Micah. Micah, on the other hand, looked horrified by what he said and he just sat there for full five seconds before eventually waking up from his reverie.

“No you won’t.”

“Suit yourself.” Michael shrugged and moved in way too close to me.

“D-Dude!” Out of instinct, I pushed my palm to his face just to keep our distance. But then Michael laughed and grabbed my wrist.

“Pucker up, buttercup!” He used his weight to his advantage and pinned me down the sofa.

And just as easy as that, Micah jumped up to his feet with a look of immense disgust on his face.  _ “Bakla!”  _ He yelled out a word I’ve never heard before. It didn't sound like a very nice word either. He then ran up the stairs and out of the basement. As soon as he was out of our sight, Michael looked pleased and got off of me to reach for his stash that was taped under the drawer of the nightstand near the sofa.

I was still recovering from what he just did and squirmed away from him a bit. “How about a little warning next time?” I asked, thoroughly annoyed.

Michael got up to lock the door. “Sure, because you would so totally agree to pretend to make out with me in front of my brother.”

“I-I would have if you--”

“--added the term ‘no homo’ to my request?”

That got me so I didn’t say anything, but that still didn’t change the fact that I was annoyed by what he did. I was so uncomfortable around Michael after the incident in the treehouse that I eventually found myself saying ‘no homo’ a lot every time we shared a drink, shared the last joint, or even when I told him I liked his shirt. I heard it from Jake in class and the term just stuck with me. Nevertheless, I still couldn’t find it in myself to turn him down every time he invited me over. I looked away as soon as he started lighting up a joint. I then looked back at him when he offered it to me.

Of course, I couldn’t refuse.

We started smoking and just stared at our paused game in the television.

“Do you have any plans for Christmas this year?” Michael asked without taking his eyes off the screen.

I shook my head after exhaling a faint puff of smoke. “No. I’m just probably gonna spend my Christmas vacation reading this book Christine has been talking about.”

“What book?”

“The Kneebone Boy.”

“Never heard of it.”

“Me neither. But Christine said it’s like A Series of Unfortunate Events, except the three main kids have distinct personalities.”

“Hey, don’t you go talking about my man Lemony Snicket like that.”

I shrugged. “Her words. Not mine.”

“I take it that she’s okay now?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good.”

I looked at him and found him smiling. I didn’t know if it was because he was genuinely relieved that Christine was finally okay or that the weed was just getting into his system.

“What are your plans?” I asked.

“We’re going to the Philippines on the very first day of our Christmas break.” Michael grimaced at his own words. “I can’t say I’m looking forward to it though. Our relatives on my mother’s side have no self-awareness whatsoever. As soon as they see me, they’re gonna ask me if there are any cute girls in school and how come I’m not interested in anyone yet. Then I will surely overhear one of them telling my mom how  _ concerned  _ they are about my lack of interest in girls and that I should get myself checked by a professional. Oh, and then they’re going to mention about how I’ve been gaining a bit of weight lately and that I should keep an eye on my body because otherwise, I’m not gonna find myself a good wife. Then they’re going to make a joke about how I might just end up creating my very own robot wife. And then they’ll get serious about it and tell me that if I ever plan on making a robot, I shouldn’t make it smarter than me because it could start the slavery of humanity as if that’s never been done before.”

“Um…” I didn’t know what to say. Michael just said all of that without a pause. “Is that… a common thing with your family?”

“Oh, yeah. Totally. I’m used to it.”

He didn’t sound used to it but whatever.

“But the robot thing sounds stupid.” He went on, now slouching on his seat a bit. “If robots do take over our planet, they wouldn’t waste their time turning us into their personal servants. They’re more advanced than us. They can create machines or even other robots that are more adept to serving them. They’ll just kill us off because that would save them more space for more robots.”

He was literally the only person I knew who saw the robot apocalypse that way and I was glad that I was present to hear all of that.

“That’s what you should tell your relatives if they ever make that robot wife joke then.” I suggested.

“Nah, they’re just going to scold me for talking back. Honestly, I’d rather spend my Christmas break like the way you do. Nice and quiet.”

My Christmas wasn’t always quiet but I didn’t bother telling Michael that. He was just going to start asking too many questions.

“Are you going to miss me once I’m gone?” He asked me after a fleeting moment of silence.

“Aren’t you coming back?”

“Of course I am.”

“Then why are you asking me that?”

He nudged my leg with his foot. “Why does everything have to be so complicated with you?”

I looked at him. “What do you mean?”

He raised a brow at me. “You think I didn’t notice how weird you’ve been acting recently? I’m not an idiot, man. I know that kiss is still bothering you. If I had known you were going to be this weird about it, I wouldn’t have even suggested it.”

“I’m not being weird about it.” I denied even though I knew that it was pointless to do so.

“Seriously?  _ No homo?  _ Since when did you start saying that?”

I felt my face warm up. “It’s… just something I picked up.”

“From who? From some douchey closeted frat boy?”

“Close, but no.”

He laughed. “Well quit saying it, man. You’re making  _ me  _ feel weird.”

“Is it annoying?”

“Yep.”

“Okay.”

“Wanna go out?”

“Sure.”

After finishing our joints, we left the basement and went out of his house to be greeted by the sight of snow. The evening air was crisp but delicate to the skin as we stepped further out into the cold. We left both of our glasses in the basement because ironically enough, it was hard to see through the snow with them. 

Michael started casually kicking snow around with his boot, though he looked bored doing so. I didn’t even know why he wanted to go out but I didn’t question it. He sometimes made sudden decisions just for the sake of being spontaneous.

He then looked back at me. “Wanna know which one of us can throw a snowball the farthest?”

Like always, I nodded.

We started making a stack of snowballs with our gloved hands. There was an excited grin plastered on Michael’s face and while the activity didn’t sound that appealing to me, I found myself looking forward to it just as much. That’s how it always was with Michael. His excitement over the simplest of things can be so infectious. 

After successfully making the pile, Michael straightened up and looked around.

I did the same. “How are we going to keep score? It’s pretty dark out here.”

“There.” He pointed at a yellow car far away from us. “Let’s see which one of us can throw farther than that car. After that, we just go and look for more farther targets.”

“Okay.”

Michael took his turn first without a word. He always wanted to go first anyway so I let him. He picked up a snowball, gave it a good luck kiss much to my disgust, and threw it as far as he could. We watched the ball fly across the air until it crashed down over someone’s mailbox. His aim wasn’t even anywhere near the car.

That made me laugh. “Lame.”

“No way...” Michael dramatically dropped down to his knees. “But I used my throwing arm!”

“Let the professional show you how it’s done.” I ruffled his hair for show and he swatted my hand away. I picked up a snowball from the pile we made and considered the long stretch of distance between me and my target. Then with all my might, I hurled the ball with great force and soon enough, it landed straight onto the roof of the car.

I grinned down smugly at Michael. “Now  _ that’s  _ a throw.”

“Show off.” Michael made a face at me but he looked impressed. He stood up and dusted the snow off of his pants. “But you still lost. The rule was to throw  _ farther  _ than the car.”

“I thought we were supposed to see who throws the farthest?”

“Yeah, and I added that our aim has to be farther than the car.”

“It doesn’t  _ have  _ to be.”

“It  _ has  _ to be. Rules are rules.”

“Just admit you lost.”

“You didn’t win.”

“Yeah I did.”

“Nope. We both lost. Now let me look for another target.” He crossed his arms and tapped his chin as he looked around their neighborhood. I knew better than to argue with him. Michael was just as competitive as Christine was so admitting loss to a game was like one in a million with him. He eventually chose a different car as our target and we resumed our game.

We did five rounds of different targets, each round resulting to Michael proving that he really had terrible aim. I used to play catch with dad when I was younger so this was a breeze to me. I only managed to throw past our target once though which meant that to Michael, I only had one victory. Just when I was about to take my turn for our sixth round, I suddenly felt a snowball burst against my back and I jumped in surprise. I turned to see Michael grinning at me from ear-to-ear with another snowball in his hand.

I furrowed my brows in confusion. “What are you--”

He threw the ball to my face this time and I stumbled backwards. He laughed and grabbed another one only to throw it at me again.

_ So that’s how it is. _

Just as he was about to reach for another one, I dashed over to him and shoved him away from the pile before grabbing one myself and throwing it straight to his chest. 

“No fair!” He yelled with a laugh. He ran off to take cover behind one of their trash bins.

“Hey, you’re the one who threw me off-guard!” I yelled back, knowing that he was creating his own pile from where he was hiding.

And just like that, we changed our game to a snowball fight. It was hard doing it at night. We could barely see anything and we couldn’t exactly make too much noise without disturbing the neighbors. Still, the excitement inside me was hard to ignore. Michael and I found different ways to take cover, duck, and aim better with each throw. 

I’ve never been in a snowball fight before, but I remembered watching Rob play it with the neighborhood kids back then. He used to invite me but I always thought I’d ruin their game by being bad at it so I turned him down every time.

I only realized now how much I missed out on.

Just when I was making another snowball, Michael suddenly lunged at me from the side and pinned me down to the ground.

“Gotcha! Victory for Michael!” He whooped gleefully.

“Get off of me!” I couldn’t stop the laughter bubbling out of my lips. 

He grabbed my hands and pressed them down above my head. “Not until you admit that you’re a loser and that you’ll never be as good as the amazing Michael Mell.”

_ “The amazing Michael Mell?”  _ I breathed out a laugh. “Are you a magician?”

He grinned down at me. “Do you wish for freedom or not?”

“I wish for  _ justice  _ because you technically haven’t won yet.”

“I so did! I was the last one to hit you with a ball!”

“Yeah, and then you pinned me down just so I can’t hit you back.”

“That’s how the rules work.”

“You sure like making up your own rules, huh?”

He laughed again before finally letting me go and sitting down beside me. As I sat up, I felt him dusting the snow off of my back. 

“Thanks.” I said.

“No problem.” He sounded pleased with himself. “You sure are more of a challenge to play with than Jeremy when it comes to a snowball fight.”

“Is he not good at it?”

“His aim is way worse than mine.” An endeared smile stretched Michael’s lips as he set his gaze at me. “I usually just let him win.”

“Wow. Knowing how competitive you are, you must really like him.”

“I do...” He sighed in content. Then he scoffed. “But I’m not  _ that  _ competitive.”

I grinned. “You are.”

He made a face at me again and that just made me laugh. 

He laughed with me until it eventually grew quiet between us. I looked away from him to watch the snow. I never really appreciated it until now. I was always inside our house after all, even when mom was still around. Usually she’d just make me hot chocolate and read a book while I’d write on my journal. Those were the cozy days of winter for me. Now I’d just usually lock myself in my room and wait for Christmas break to be over. 

I then noticed Michael’s eyes were still on me and I looked back at him.

“You okay?” I asked. His stare wasn’t as uncomfortable as the first time he did it. 

He smiled and shrugged. “Can I tell you what’s on my mind?”

“Has anything ever really stopped you from doing so?”

He chuckled. “Fair enough.”

“What’s on your mind?”

“I really feel like kissing you right now.” He then added as an afterthought. “No homo.”

That sent my heart racing uncomfortably. I knew he was thinking of Jeremy again. We just mentioned him a few minutes ago. I sometimes wished he’d stop thinking about him so much. It was putting me in an awkward spot.

“That is very homo, actually.” I said.

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

“And it’s probably for the best if you keep that kind of thought to yourself.”

His smile slipped and I instantly regretted my words.

“I know.” That was all he said.


	28. Chapter 28

# TWENTY-EIGHT

Christmas break finally came. Michael was out of the country, and so was Christine. She told me just a few days ago that she and her family will be spending Christmas in Hong Kong. Unlike Michael, she seemed pretty hyped up for it. That must be nice.

I spent majority of our break reading books and watching movies. Sometimes I’d list down the films that I thought Christine would like and sometimes I’d write down smart-sounding quotes that I could bring up in a conversation with Michael. I didn’t know why but I just did. Maybe because I ran out of movies to recommend which must have been making Christine feel obligated to pick one for us every time. And maybe I was getting a bit insecure about how Michael could make a conversation sound smart which in turn made it hard for me to keep up.

They must be having a lot of fun with their families right now. Michael may have complained about it, but he still did look pretty excited about seeing his relatives again the last time I saw him. They might even meet a lot of new interesting people who could easily catch up to their personalities.

I really needed a distraction, I thought.

I was in the middle of writing down an interesting quote that I found from _The Kneebone Boy_ when Rob barged into my room and asked me whether or not I’d be okay with spending Christmas with Jevonne and his family.

“Really?” I glanced up at him. “They invited us?”

“Yeah. They invited dad too but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how he responded to that.”

Dad must have turned the invitation down like he always did. We still had several family friends who were concerned for his well-being but no matter how hard they tried to help him, he was completely unresponsive. There was no way he was getting off that couch.

“Okay, sure.” I shrugged.

I didn’t have much to say about Jevonne’s family. They were all very nice and charming, but I wasn’t close with any of them. No surprise there. Jevonne had an older sister who went to Princeton and a younger brother who was around my age and was always on his phone. Before, I thought I might get along with his brother but then his PSP suddenly stopped working and he blamed me for it because he let me use it. After that, he stopped talking to me and I stopped coming over. Still, the thought of spending Christmas with other people didn’t sound such a bad idea and before I knew it, I found myself looking forward to it.

Rob wanted me to dress nice for the occasion so he bought me a red Christmas sweater that turned out to be too big for me. But strangely enough, that didn’t bother me. I was far too occupied thinking about how different our Christmas will be this year.

Just as I stepped out of the shower, I paused and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror.

I never liked looking at my own reflection. I always ended up hating myself more. But something felt different today. I leaned in and noticed a small scatter of pimples on my forehead. They looked weird on my pale skin. I had the sudden urge to touch them until I remembered one of Rob’s advices about entering the stage of puberty.

_Never touch your pimples._

But curiosity got the better of me.

I carefully slid my finger over the red bumps and failed to fight back the cringe that wracked my body. That felt disgusting. I probably shouldn’t have done that.

When I adjusted the towel around my waist, another spectacle caught my eye.

I looked down and noticed a small pudge of fat in my usually flat stomach. I always thought I’d grow up with a bit of a pudgy build like my dad and that never bothered me. But after hearing Christine’s concern about her own weight and hearing Michael complain about how that was a general concern in his family, I found myself hating what I saw. Rob told me before that puberty was when your body just stopped agreeing with you.

And now I was about to experience that.

Merry fucking Christmas to me.

* * *

“Oh, Dick! You are looking even more handsome than ever!” Jevonne’s mom wrapped me in an almost painfully tight hug as she showered my face with kisses. I tried my best not to grimace. I forgot that she always did this. It had been a long time since I came over so I wasn’t as used to it as I was before. Though I was surprised at how nostalgic and safe I felt just by catching a whiff of her familiar thick champagne perfume.

I smiled at her as soon as she let go of me. “It’s really nice to see you again, Mrs. Endo.”

She took my face between her hands and squeezed my cheeks. “Still such a nice boy! I could just eat you up!”

“Give the kid some space, Maureen.” Jevonne’s dad came in and placed a hand on his wife’s shoulder. He then gave me a gentle smile and a nod of his head. “Good to have you for Christmas, son.”

I suddenly felt a bit shy. “I-I’m grateful for the invitation, sir.”

Mr. Endo was the complete opposite of Mrs. Endo. He was strict and quiet. He liked to observe people rather than talk to them. He always had an intimidating gaze and I wondered what would it have been like to have a father like that.

He also wasn’t very fond of white people and he wasn’t very discreet about it either.

I guess Rob and I were exceptions to that.

That never bothered me though. His reasons always made sense to me.

“Knock knock.” Rob walked into the house, holding several paper bags that contained all the presents we bought for the family. I wanted to carry some for him but he had insisted that I just ring the doorbell to let the Endo’s know we’ve arrived.

“Robin!” Mrs. Endo squealed, already rushing to him and jumping up to pull him down just so she could shower his face with kisses too. “I am so happy to have you boys for Christmas!”

Mr. Endo greeted Rob as well before quietly taking the paper bags to probably put them down under their huge Christmas tree. I just stood there a bit awkwardly and watched my brother and Mrs. Endo catch up even though Rob was a daily visitor to their residence.

“Psst, look up.” I suddenly heard someone whisper behind me and I jumped in surprise.

I immediately turned around and found Jevonne’s older sister, Jasmine, smiling very sweetly at me. She was holding something above our heads and when I looked up, I realized it was a mistletoe that was made out of plastic. My eyes widened at the unexpected insinuation but when I looked back at her, she just leaned in to peck my cheek.

And that was that.

Not like I expected anything more though. She was in her mid 20’s. Unlike Jevonne, Jasmine looked more like their dad. She had dark droopy eyes in contrast to Jevonne’s light doe eyes, but they shared the same black skin tone like their mom.

She then chuckled and pinched my nose. “Ma said you haven’t been coming by lately.”

I adjusted my glasses and cleared my throat uncomfortably. “I… uh, haven’t got the time.”

“Oh? Any friends at school?”

“No…”

“Still not talking to anyone?”

“Pretty much.”

“Boy, you really need to work on your self-improvement.”

That annoyed me but I didn’t want to be rude. “I’ll try.”

“How about you start by patching things up with Jerel?”

Jerel was the kid who blamed me for the demise of his PSP.

I frowned. “Why should I?”

That made her chuckle again. “Boys are so stubborn.”

* * *

I felt a bit overwhelmed at the dinner table. There were other people I didn’t recognize but Rob seemed to get along with them like always. He was the kind of guy who just knew everyone. I was in no place to complain though when their food tasted really good. Jerel was seated far away from me, eating his meal while keeping himself occupied with his phone. I wanted to do the same but that didn’t sound like a very polite thing to do when you’re a guest in someone’s house. Nobody bothered talking to me anyway so I just kept to myself and tried to listen in on a conversation. As much as I didn’t like doing so, I was bored.

“So Rob, any schools you have your eyes set on?” I heard Mrs. Endo ask Rob who was seated beside me.

“Harvard.” I wasn’t surprised by my brother’s immediate answer. That had always been his dream. “I’ve been thinking of taking Environmental Science with Jevonne.”

Jevonne, who was sitting across from Rob, grinned. “Yeah. We’re totally gonna ace that shit.”

Mr. Endo gave him a stern look. “Language.”

“Oh shit, sorry.”

I couldn’t stop myself from snickering at that and Jevonne caught my eye. He smiled and winked mischievously at me.

Mrs. Endo didn’t seem to mind. “I’m so excited for you boys! You know, this may sound terrible coming from a mother but I didn’t have high hopes for Jevonne before. I thought community college was the best option for him.”

“Don’t get _too_ hopeful now, ma.” Jevonne waved his fork at her direction. “Community college is still an option.”

“There’s nothing wrong with community college.” Jasmine rolled her eyes. “If you’re hardworking, humble, and committed enough, you’ll get the career you want. The school is just an added bonus-- and really, just another line-- to your resume.”

“Hey.” Mr. Endo had a serious look on his face. “Don’t give your brother any ideas.”

“I’m fine, you guys.” Jevonne shrugged. “Rob and I will surely get into Harvard. I have no doubt about it.”

“What about you, Dick?” I was surprised to hear that question from Mr. Endo. “Got any goals for your future?”

Inside, I was in an immediate panic. Everyone was looking at me. Even Jerel.

I didn’t have an answer because I’ve never thought about it. I wasn’t the type to think about my future but after considering the kind of life I had, I realized that was actually something I should really be focusing on if I wanted to get out of here. Rob had Harvard as his escape. I haven’t even thought of what my life would be like without him in the picture anymore.

Who’s going to drive me to school? Who’s going to cook our meals? Who’s going to make sure I don’t go to that bad place again?

“Dick usually likes to keep his plans to himself.” Rob answered for me. “He thinks keeping it that way will help him focus better. No distractions, you know?”

“Smart boy.” Mr. Endo nodded in approval.

I looked up at Rob gratefully and he just smiled at me.

It scared me how much I relied on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think so far! :) Kudos are appreciated!
> 
> EDIT: I'll be taking a brief hiatus from this fic! Expect an update next month! Happy holidays!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to save this chapter for next week along with the other chapters but I figured I should post this one right now because it's a New Year's Eve chapter! Enjoy!
> 
> tw: mentions of transphobia

# TWENTY-NINE

The days that followed after Christmas were almost uneventful. I only stepped out of the house once and that was because Jevonne and Rob insisted me to go to the mall with them. I ended up buying a present for Michael and Christine, though I was still rather hesitant about giving it to them. Neither of them ever really mentioned about exchanging gifts after all and I didn’t want to put them on the spot.

I’ve never given anyone a Christmas present before. Secret Santa's at school didn't count. Buying and giving presents wasn't an obligation to kids my age so I never really cared about what mom and dad bought for our friends and family during the holidays back then. And when mom passed away, dad just stopped bothering himself with celebrating anything at all. He just left all the parental responsibility to my brother and that was it.

But after recently realizing how much I relied on Rob, I immediately wanted to change that. He’ll be gone after graduation and I knew dad had no plans on changing for the better.

So when we did get to the mall and Rob asked me if I was going to buy any presents for Michael and Christine, I immediately said _yes_ just to sound like an adult. He had a proud smile on his face that day and for a fleeting moment, I felt good about my decision.

But now I was regretting it.

I should have asked Michael and Christine if they wanted to exchange Christmas gifts, but how can someone ask that without sounding so damn lame? That would have made me look hopeful, if anything. And that would have still put them on the spot.

Shit, I was overthinking again.

I distracted myself by spending most of my time in my bedroom-- watching movies, playing video games, and checking if the SQUIP was still inside my shoe box. Not like it was gonna go anywhere. I guess I was just getting paranoid.

As soon as New Year’s Eve rolled in, Rob left to go to some party so I was alone in the house with dad. It wasn’t that bad though. Dad cracked a can of beer for himself then a can of soda for me as we watched some holiday specials on the television. Sometimes he’d grunt a comment and I would just nod my head in agreement, even when I didn’t really get what he was trying to say.

I could hear our neighbors’ celebration outside. There were a lot of laughter, music, and bang snaps popping on the street. Some even already started shooting up several fireworks just to keep the jubilant vibe going. Dad grunted again as he reached for the remote and turned up the volume of the television.

We were already on our third show when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket.

I fished it out and caught sight of a picture of Michael doing a peace sign in his _Legend of Zelda_ themed Christmas sweater which he had shown off to me before he went overseas. He had taken the picture himself and set it as my wallpaper without telling me. That triggered several questions from Rob when he saw it much to my embarrassment. But I managed to change it back to its default wallpaper before anyone else could get the wrong idea. Then I just set it as his contact photo instead.

It was literally the only photo I had in my gallery. I didn't use my phone much.

Dad didn’t even look away from the television when he spoke up.

“Your girlfriend?”

“Not really.” I stared at the picture as the vibrating of my phone continued. I was having second thoughts about answering it.

“Soon-to-be girlfriend then?”

“I don’t want a girlfriend, dad.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I guess I don’t care for it.”

“That’s fine, I suppose. You’re still a kid anyway. A bit too early for you to be thinking about dating.”

“It is?”

“You're just a kid.”

“I’m fifteen.”

“Exactly. It’s not normal for fifteen-year-old boys to be worrying about dating girls.”

“Like you know anything about being normal.” I muttered.

I didn’t know if he heard me but I wasn’t going to hang back to find out. He will most likely give me a lecture about what I just said so I immediately avoided that by leaving the living room and rushing outside to answer the call. Faint smoke surrounded the crisp winter evening air thanks to all the fireworks and sparklers our neighbors have been using. It probably wasn’t safe to inhale all those chemicals but I’d rather have that than be a victim to dad’s hypocritical lectures.

I looked down at my phone, feeling it still vibrating in my hand. I was still feeling a bit weird when it came to talking to Michael but I knew he was going to blow a gasket if I avoided him without a good reason. So I answered his call.

“Michael?”

_“Dude! What took you so long?!”_

He sounded uncharacteristically angry.

“I was… busy.”

 _“Oh.”_ He was quiet for a moment, but there was still something off in his tone. _“Fair enough. What are you doing?”_

“Wait, are you back?”

_“Yeah, dude. We just got back yesterday.”_

“You didn’t tell me.”

I heard him scoff from the other line. _“Gee, sorry babe. I was just so tired from our flight yesterday that I went straight to bed the minute we got back. I bought you some flowers and chocolates to make it up to you though.”_

“Ha ha.” I said dryly and he let out a lackluster chuckle. He had a point though. I didn’t know why I felt somewhat offended that he didn’t tell me he was back. He wasn’t obligated to in any way after all. If anything, that was something he would tell Jeremy. Not me. I was his second option and I really liked to keep it that way.

_“Got some time to kill? My parents are having this boring New Year’s Eve party and honestly, if I hear another dude brag about how much he makes in a year, I’m going to kill myself.”_

I glanced back over my shoulder to look through the window and found my dad still genuinely immersed in the show he was watching. He probably didn’t even notice that I got up and left.

“Sure, I’ve got nothing to do at the moment.” I finally said. “Do you wanna hang in your basement or--”

_“I don’t wanna be here right now, actually. My parents’ friends are freaking everywhere.”_

“Um, okay.” We have never exactly tried hanging out anywhere else but Michael’s place so I was pretty stumped. “But it’s really cold outside so it’s probably not a good idea to--”

_“Gotcha covered. I’m gonna sneak a beer or two for us. My parents wouldn’t even notice.”_

I could have easily imagined the self-satisfied grin curling his lips as he said that if it wasn’t for his off-putting tone. “Where’s Jeremy?”

_“Still out of town for the holidays.”_

Figures.

I knew I could just invite him over to my house but for obvious reasons, I didn’t want him knowing where I lived. He didn’t need to know the current state of my house or my family.

“Well, if you want, there’s this small park in our neighborhood. It’s usually empty around this time of night.” We lived in the kind of neighborhood where parents preferred to keep their children within their line of sight during New Year’s just so they don’t get into some weird freaky firework accident. I didn’t know if I should consider myself lucky that my dad wasn’t that kind of parent. At least not anymore. I could hang out with Michael and he wouldn’t even notice.

Michael didn’t respond right away. But when he did, he still didn’t sound like himself.

_“Sure. I’ll ride my bike over there. Just give me the directions.”_

I took another peek through the window and just as I expected, dad had already started succumbing to slumber. That kinda ticked me off, but what was I supposed to do? I looked away and shrugged my shoulders.

“Okay. I’ll just text them to you.”

* * *

“It’s f-freezing!”

I heard Michael let out a ridiculous high-pitched whine and I turned to find him rushing over to me, his hands shoved into the pockets of his hoodie. As soon as he drew closer, I realized that he had gone back to wearing the hoodie that Jeremy had gotten him for his birthday. The fabric was thinner than his old one in spite of how the icy air could easily bite anyone’s skin and I figured that showed the conspicuous truth of how much Michael really liked his best friend.

Seeing him in front of me made me realize just how much I actually missed having him around. The world was quiet without him.

“I told you it wouldn’t be a good idea to hang around outside.” I said before clicking my tongue in disapproval.

“Still better than my parents’ house party.”

The park was empty just as I thought, but there was a dim glow coming from the line of houses nearby. I could hear the faint sounds of several parties coming from there but much like any other party I’ve seen or heard, they didn’t feel very inviting. I watched Michael walk over to the slide to sit down and sling his backpack on his lap.

“We should get to drinking then if we want to get all warmed up.” He said as he pulled out a bottle of beer from his backpack and handed it to me.

I grimaced at the sight and shook my head. “I’ll pass. I don’t like beer.”

“How are you gonna warm yourself up then?”

“I’m dressed appropriately for the weather so I’m good.’

“Suit yourself. More for me.” He popped the bottle open with a bottle opener which he clearly stole from his dad before taking thirsty-sounding gulps from it. It didn’t feel right watching him drink but we were already at the age of experimenting so who was I to tell him to avoid alcohol?

Silence loomed over us as I fiddled with the white envelope in my pocket, wondering whether this was a good time for me to give it to him or not. I’d probably look like an idiot giving him a Christmas present this late. It might even make him feel bad for not getting me one and that’ll just make things even more awkward between us. Goddammit, why the hell did I even think this was a good idea? This was Rob’s fault. He talked me into buying him a present even though I knew for a fact that Michael wasn’t expecting anything from me and I most certainly wasn’t expecting anything from him.

“What’s up with you?” Michael’s voice yanked me out of my reverie and I looked back at him to see him giving me a rather suspicious look with his brows bumped together.

“Huh?” I blinked.

“You’re… being all fidgety. More fidgety than Jeremy, even. Something on your mind?”

I immediately shook my head. “No. It’s nothing.”

His eyes rolled skyward in clear disbelief. “Oh come on, are you still not going to tell me anything about what you’re thinking? The new year is approaching, Dick. Maybe this is the perfect time for you to try and do something different for once.”

That hit a nerve. Ever since I started hanging out with him, all I’ve ever done was step out of my comfort zone for him. _For him._ I didn’t get what kind of message he was trying to get across this time but I wasn’t liking the sound of it. I loosened my hold on the envelope and narrowed my eyes at him in annoyance.

“You know, you really need to learn how to shut up sometimes.”

He looked unfazed as he took another sip of his beer. “And you really need to learn how to un-shut up most of the time.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Do I sound mad?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh. Maybe I am.”

“What the hell did _I_ do?”

“Never mind. It’s stupid.”

“ _Now_ you decide to shut up?”

“I thought that’s what you want?”

“Not right now!”

“Then what _do_ you want?”

“I just-- I want you to-- t-this conversation is getting stupid.”

“That’s because _you’re_ stupid.”

“Well then compared to you, I’m a fucking genius.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

“Fuck off.”

“Grow up.”

_Grow up._

Intense frustration tightened the tension in my body as I scowled down at Michael. To most adults, I was expected to behave like a kid. But to those around my age, I was expected to start behaving like a man. So how was I supposed to really behave? Was I a man or was I still a kid? Why were we even having another fight? I thought we were past this? Michael should learn how to take his own advice and just straight up tell me what’s going through his mind. If he wanted this to work out, then he should be as cooperative as much as he wanted me to be.

Eventually, he looked away from me and took another sip of his beer.

“Sorry.” He sighed with a shrug of his shoulders. “I’m taking things out on you again.”

Oh.

So I was still his punching bag. No wonder he invited me out.

“That’s mean.” I felt stupid saying that, but he wanted me to voice out my thoughts more and I’ve never felt more honest than when I said that.

He sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair. “I know. I’m sorry.”

I stuck my hands into the pockets of my coat and remembered the white envelope as soon as I felt my fingers brush against it. I didn’t feel like giving it to him anymore. Not when I was this pissed off. Michael dug the butt of his beer bottle into the snow before rummaging through his backpack again. I just watched him without a word, not entirely sure what to say anymore.

“Here.” He looked up at me with a small smile as he pulled out a large pack of dried mangoes.

I just stared at it. “For me?”

He rolled his eyes, not rudely. “No, it’s for your mom. Of course it’s for you.”

I took the snack in my hands and gave him an inquisitive look. “Is this from the Philippines?”

His smile grew proud. “Yeah. I figured you might like dried mangoes. Ironically enough, they’re way pricier in my country. Normally I don’t like falling victim to petty tricks pulled on tourism but I wanted to see if you’ll like them. Consider it a peace offering.”

He was giving me a look that said he wanted to see me open it so I did. I pulled out a piece and popped it into my mouth.

It tasted exactly like mangoes with a faint trace of powdered sugar.

No surprise there.

Michael got up from the slide to get a piece for himself. “You like it?”

“It’s good.” I took another piece.

He smiled at me and just like that, things were okay between us again.

We decided to move over to the playground roundabout so we could sit down next to each other and share the pack of dried mangoes he bought. There was something about picturing him being thousands of miles away and still remembering me that caused bizarre flips in my stomach and it was hard to determine if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He had thought of me even when I wasn’t anywhere near him.

I was now worth remembering to him.

“Thanks, by the way.” I fought back the urge to stay silent. “For… these.”

“No problem, buddy. You could use some sugar to sweeten your sour attitude.” He winked at me and nudged my shoulder with his.

I chuckled at that. “Now that you’re in a good mood, are you gonna tell me why the hell you were _manstruating_ earlier?”

Michael cringed. “Did you just seriously say _manstruating?_ Did you pick this up from the same guy who loved the term _no homo_ so much?”

“That’s rich coming from someone who says _deets_ instead of details.”

“It’s hip, son!”

We laughed and nudged each other, though he was bigger than me so he almost knocked me off the roundabout. But then he just hooked his arm around mine and tugged me closer to his side without an explanation. I could tell he was just using my body for warmth though and I didn’t really mind.

“Well?” I pressed. “Are you gonna tell me or what?”

“Hmm…” He used his free hand to cling to the bar behind him. “There are two things that usually piss me off: racism and my _abuela._ ”

“Your… what?”

“My grandma from my father’s side.”

“What did she do?”

“For one, she gave Micah a really hard time for dressing up like a boy.”

I paused and thought his words over. Something didn’t sound right.

“Isn’t Micah your _brother?_ ”

“Yeah.” Michael grimaced but it didn’t seem like it was directed at the thought of his brother. “He was Manuela before he was Micah.”

Oh…

_Oh._

“And _abuela_ didn’t like it.” Michael shuffled his boots on the snow. “She told him that she doesn’t have a grandson with the name Micah and that she never will. She said that she will only acknowledge her eldest son’s children as Michael and Manuela and that’s it.”

“She’s just old.” I said after another pause. I didn’t know the right words to say.

Michael chuckled and directed his gaze at me. “That’s what I told Micah back then. I wanted to be reasonable and consider that _abuela_ grew up in a completely different environment. But when she came over again, she was still as unbearable as the last time we saw her. I thought she’d come to understand over time but she didn’t. She bought Micah a dress and forced him into wearing it for my parents’ house party.”

“Wait, is Micah at the party right now?”

He scoffed. “You think I’d leave my brother alone there? No way, man. I snuck him out to his friend’s house before coming over here.”

“What did your parents think?”

“They’re okay with Micah, but they can’t exactly speak up against _abuela._ It’s… hard to explain.”

“Oh.”

“Yep.” He reached in to get another piece of dried mango. It was the last piece.

Despite all the whiny arguments he always had with Micah, I realized just how much Michael actually cared about his brother. They were just exactly like how Rob and I saw each other.

I looked at Michael and I could see the strained nerve working along the clean line of his jaw. His temper was boiling right back up but he wasn’t taking it out on me this time. I put the now empty plastic packet down and dug into my pocket to pull out the white envelope I’ve been stressing out over ever since I got here.

I wanted to distract him from all the shit that was going around with his family.

“This is late but Merry Christmas.” I said as I handed the envelope to him.

He looked down at my present, genuine surprise clouding his features. He unhooked his arm from mine and took the envelope in his hand.

“Oh man, dude… I didn’t get you anything.” He sounded really guilty.

I shook my hand dismissively in the air. “You got me dried mangoes, didn’t you?”

He smiled at me. “I’ll buy you more this summer break.”

“I’ll be looking forward to it then.” I returned his smile.

He then opened the white envelope and I held my breath. The first thing he pulled out was a white embroidered patch with the words **RISE ABOVE RACISM** in big bold red letters sewn on it. A wide grin stretched his lips as he pulled out another patch which was a David Bowie one, then a vinyl player one, and he kept on pulling one after another until he got to the last one which was a pride flag.

“Dude,” he turned to look at me. “these are awesome! I could put them on my hoodie!”

His honest appreciation embarrassed me a bit and I looked away with a shrug. “If you want.”

“Hell yeah I do!” He slung his arm over my shoulders and pulled me in what appeared to be half a hug. “Thanks, buddy! I may have to delay the pride flag though. Not until I’m actually out of the closet, you know? Which I’m pretty sure will be one hell of a long time.”

“You shouldn’t be in too much of a hurry to come out anyway. You’re still a kid.”

“Yeah, and so are you.”

I looked back at him and for once, he had a serious look on his face. It was almost unrecognizable on him as he pulled away and stared right back at me.

“Hey Dick,” he began. “you’re... going to stick around when that time comes, right?”

“When what comes?”

“When I come out to everyone.”

My response didn’t miss a beat. “Of course.” And I meant it.

“Even if people see you hanging out with a guy who has a pride flag patch on his hoodie?”

“I’ll start throwing fists if they’ve got a problem with that.”

His eyes lit up at that. “They might mistake you for being gay and pick on you.”

“Then I’ll break their homophobic noses.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“If that’s what you want.”

“I definitely don’t want you getting involved in fights, but it’s the thought that counts so… thanks.” His smile grew warmer and I only noticed now that our hands were almost touching on the surface of where we were sitting.

I cleared my throat uncomfortably and rubbed the back of my neck with my other hand.

“No problem, man.”

Just as I said this, the partygoers nearby started counting down to midnight at the top of their lungs. Their hyped up voices were the impeccable sounds of sheer excitement and I could picture the wide grins painted on their faces.

_“10, 9, 8…”_

Even though I was looking away from him, I still found myself moving my hand a bit so that my pinky pressed lightly against his.

I felt stupid and I couldn’t figure out what compelled me to do that.

_“7, 6, 5…”_

My heart raced almost unbearably so. Heat rushed further up to my face when I felt Michael slowly hook his pinky with mine. The action caught me by surprise and I quickly drifted my gaze at him.

He had that shy smile on his face again. The same smile he used the first time we met.

_“4, 3…”_

“Can I?” He asked.

My first instinct was to play dumb and ask him what he meant by that.

But I didn't.

I just nodded my head.

_“2, 1...!”_

He leaned in and kissed me.

On the corner of my lips.

_“HAPPY NEW YEAR!”_

The partygoers all cheered out loud as a riot of vibrant colors exploded onto the evening sky, showering us with different shades of glow. Michael didn’t pull back right away. He stayed still, his lips still pressed against my skin as his hand moved to gently squeeze mine. An unfamiliar feeling of warmth stretched throughout my body and my heartbeat pounded along with the booming fireworks going off into the night.

I thought it was because I was immensely uncomfortable. I thought I was feeling this way because I just wanted Michael to get it over with and pull back.

But it wasn’t that kind of case at all.

It was like I wanted him to do something else.

Maybe the reason why he didn’t kiss me on the lips was because he knew that would have freaked me out.

That I would have started acting weird around him again.

I didn’t want him to see me that way.

My masculinity wasn’t that fragile.

So when he did finally pull back a bit, something inside me urged me to move in and press my lips against his. And I did just that.

I didn’t want to pull back right away because I knew that if I did, I will be met with confusion and questions I just wasn’t ready to answer. Why did I do that-- I had no idea. Maybe I wanted to prove something here. Maybe I wanted to show Michael that I _did_ grow up and that a simple stupid kiss wasn’t going to make me feel weird.

He was the first one to break the kiss and when he did, he looked at me with a completely stunned look on his face.

That didn’t help with the rapid beating in my chest.

“Happy new year.” I immediately said just before he could raise any questions. It sounded like an excuse. My mind panicked.

A faint look of realization dawned in on his features before a small smile finally cracked over his lips.

“Happy new year, Richard Goranski.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELP THAT HAPPENED...
> 
> A wonderful shoutout to [milkhornsart](https://milkhornsart.tumblr.com) for sharing this [amazing artwork](https://milkhornsart.tumblr.com/post/169375919255/happy-new-year-fanart-of-pre-squip) based on this chapter! I am so unworthy of such generosity but I am also so super grateful! Thank you so much!! 
> 
> Let me know what you think!! Kudos are always appreciated (omg 200 kudos though! THANK YOU)! 
> 
> And happy new year!!


	30. Chapter 30

# THIRTY

_Common sense isn’t so common after all._

That was a saying mom and I used to say a lot every time we saw, heard, or did something stupid. It was the kind of joke that would have not sat well with other people, but it worked perfectly fine between the two of us. It was almost a game, really. We competed over who could use it appropriately with excellent comedic timing. It was weird but the saying made us feel less stupid for doing something stupid-- it helped us laugh things off and not feel bad about anything.

Sometimes, the most comfortable thing to do in a supposedly embarrassing situation was to laugh it off and you'll feel better right away.

That exact saying rang inside my head when I opened my locker and realized that I have brought my gym pants but not my gym shirt. Except that moment didn’t seem as funny now that I wasn’t with mom to share the joke with.

Christmas break was over and school was already proving itself to be insufferable on the very first day.

How could I have packed my pants but not my shirt? Who does that?

I subtly looked around to see that my classmates were already in the process of changing into their gym clothes.

Michael was standing not too far from me, putting his shirt on and not talking to anyone as usual. Jeremy left to change in the shower room just a few minutes ago. Jake and his friends didn't let him go easily though and poked fun at how much of a “wimp” he was for being too shy to change in front of anyone.

“You hiding a third nipple or something?” Were the kind of jokes they hollered.

I guess Jake hadn’t _completely_ changed for the better. He had stopped calling people names, but he would certainly laugh along whenever his friends made fun of other people-- as long as they didn't cross a line.

“You gotta get us an invitation to one of those senior parties, man.” Dustin Kropp-- probably the tallest freshman in school-- took his time in putting his shirt on by not doing it at all as he leaned his shoulder on one of the lockers and watched Jake check his shirtless self out in the full-body mirror displayed on the wall.

He looked kinda silly doing so.

“It’s not that easy.” Jake had a smug smirk on his face. “They’re really picky. But don’t worry. I’ll be throwing my own party soon enough and you’ll definitely be invited. I guarantee you that.”

Dustin let out a derisive snort. “As if. Your parents will cut your balls off if you so much as put a drink down without a coaster. No offense but they’re ridiculously strict for people who only run a business in… what was that called again?”

“Waste management.” Jake’s smirk was gone. “And your invitation just got cancelled.”

His eyes then met mine and I immediately averted my stare away from him and back to my locker, pretending to keep my hands busy inside. That was the first time he had directly looked at me since he vowed to never bother me again.

And for a moment, I thought today was the day he decided to go against his own word.

But he didn't. He simply just walked back to his locker to get properly dressed for gym class.

Is there a word for feeling something between disappointment and relief?

I tried to look for my gym shirt in my backpack again but to no avail. Shit. Our gym coach was going to have a great time humiliating me in front of everyone by the time she finds out I didn’t come to class prepared. Teachers always loved those kinds of opportunities-- it makes them feel big. I could hear some of my classmates already leaving the locker room but I couldn't will myself to look. I thought if I could just keep my head down, nobody will notice that I was having something close to a mental breakdown.

“You comin’ or what?” I heard Jake ask someone.

Except there was no response.

And I realized we were the only ones left.

Jake was our coach’s favorite student. Of _course_ he’d want this class to run smoothly for her.

“I-I…I’m not feeling really good. Maybe I should skip gym for today.” I lied, immediately grabbing my bag and shutting my locker closed just as I caught him making his way towards me. I may have slammed it harder than I should have because he then gave me an inquisitive and suspecting look. I didn’t want to be here once he catches on my lie so I avoided his eyes and tried to stride over to the exit, but then he reached out and pushed me back by my shoulder-- carefully.

“You forgot your gym clothes, didn’t you?” He asked right away.

Ah, fuck.

I was never a good liar.

“I need to go to the clinic.” I insisted.

“You don’t look sick to me.”

“You’re not a doctor.”

“I plan on becoming a premed though so joke’s on you.”

“Fine. I forgot my shirt.”

“You brought your pants but not your shirt? That’s not very smart of you.”

“Shut up. You’re not my mom.”

He held up his hands in mocking surrender. “Wait here.” He walked off to his locker and right then and there, I already knew what he had in mind.

“No, wait.” I quickly tried to intervene but before I could even have the chance to step any closer to him, he tossed me his spare gym shirt. It landed on top of my head and I picked it up in my hands. I inspected it for a second or two and caught Jake’s name printed on the upper left in red scripted letters. “I’m gonna look stupid in it.”

He snorted. “Because it’s too big for you?”

“Yeah.”

“You didn’t have any problems wearing your boyfriend’s hoodie.”

“Some hoodies are meant to look big on people.”

“Wow. You didn’t even deny he’s your boyfriend.”

He was taunting me again, but not as derisive as he used to be.

“Coach is gonna know I didn't bring my shirt anyway. She’ll see your name on this instead of mine.”

“Just wear it.” He said as he closed his locker. “And hurry up. You’ve got five minutes before Coach goes all apeshit on you.”

And with that, he gave me a casual salute and left me alone.

I watched him leave before looking back down at the large white shirt in my hands. I didn’t get it. Why was he helping me? I thought he wanted to carry on and act like I never existed to him in the first place? Well, whatever. There was no use pondering over it. I should might as well put it on and spare myself the lecture.

But as soon as I had his shirt on, I felt stupid.

I felt smaller than I already did.

Coach might not lecture me in front of everyone, but everyone will definitely ridicule my size.

But there was no turning back now. With a deep intake of breath, I stepped out to the gym.

Everyone had already gathered around in front of our coach and that didn’t make things easy for me. I was the only one missing. I could feel my hands already getting clammy just by the mere sight of it and I wiped them on my pants. Nobody had noticed me so far and I needed to keep it that way. As quietly as I could, I tried to sneak into the crowd unnoticed. Coach was still doing the mandatory roll call and thankfully enough, she hadn’t called my name yet.

I made it to the far back of the class and was ready to let out a sigh of utmost relief when I found Coach’s gaze on me.

“Oh, hello Dick.” She gave me an unimpressed look. “Nice to see that you’ve decided to join us.”

Of course, everyone followed her gaze and settled their eyes on me.

I’ve never hated myself more than now. I just wanted to stop existing.

“Is that _Jake’s_ shirt?” Chloe asked, offended.

“You look so cute!” Brooke giggled but then abruptly stopped when Chloe hit her arm.

My mind hurried for a good reason but somehow, the words couldn’t find past my throat. My eyes flickered to our coach then back to Chloe who looked like she was ready to unsheathe her claws out at me.

“I-I… just… b-because…” I struggled.

“Looking good, little dude!” Jake called out to me from the front row of the class. He had an appealing grin on his face as he gave me a thumbs-up. His unexpected upbeat attitude should have made me feel better, but it didn’t because the next words that slipped out of our coach’s lips made me finally get the picture as to why he lent me his shirt in the first place.

“You gave him your spare shirt, Mr. Dillinger?” She sounded proud. “That’s quite generous of you. Good job. As for you, Dick.” She then sent me a stern look. “Don’t be so careless next time so as to not be an inconvenience to your classmates.”

“He’s not an inconvenience, Coach.” Jake intervened, his tone undoubtedly pompous. “I just really like helping the less fortunate is all.”

His grin didn’t look so appealing anymore. At least not to me.

“Nevertheless, let this be a lesson to Dick.” Our coach checked something off on her clipboard before resuming the roll call, skipping my name. I figured she already marked my name as ‘tardy’ and there was nothing else I could do about that. Accepting Jake’s help wasn’t any use at all. I was still humiliated. Just as easily as that, people stopped paying attention to me and turned their heads back to our coach. I took a step back away from them, gripping tightly onto the edge of my shirt-- _Jake’s fucking shirt._

I should have gone to the clinic instead.

For a second, I caught Michael’s stare until he promptly looked away and scratched his head.


	31. Chapter 31

# THIRTY-ONE

“I’m just saying Michael Cera always gets the girl, you know?”

Those were the very first words I’ve ever heard come out of Jeremy since he came back from our holiday break. He and Michael have just arrived at their lockers by the time I have arrived at mine. I caught Michael’s eyes for the second time today but he gave me a small quick smile this time and I returned it just as quickly.

We haven’t talked since New Year’s and despite my genuine want to prove that I’ve grown up, our kiss that night still made me uneasy. It granted me several sleepless nights, wondering why I did that and whether or not I made Michael uncomfortable.

Michael then resumed his attention back on his best friend and I went on to get the things I needed from my locker.

“Michael Cera, huh?” I heard him say in humorous exasperation. “So I’m guessing I’m the best friend whose sole purpose is to be there for comic relief? The Evan to your Seth? The Wallace Wells to your Scott Pilgrim?”

“Oh, I like that last one.” Jeremy sounded eager. “And Christine is Ramona Flowers.”

“Wouldn’t she be more of a Knives Chau?”

“Uh… because she’s Chinese? Dude, that’s--”

“That’s not what I meant, Jere. She _looks like_ Knives. Plus, they have the same upbeat demeanor. But back to the topic, you can’t make Christine your manic pixie dream girl, all right? You gotta remind yourself that she’s more than her quirks.”

“Manic pixie… what?”

“Dude!” From the corner of my eye, I could see Michael stopping himself from rummaging through his locker so he could face Jeremy. “Give me one good reason why you like Christine aside from the fact that she’s so quirky and high on life all the time?”

“Uhm… I… Maybe… No wait… I don’t…”

“Exactly.” Michael sounded pleased with himself. “You’ve never even talked to her, buddy. That isn’t _love._ It’s just infatuation. She hasn’t “changed your world” yet if you haven’t changed hers. If you really think she’s the right one for you, you gotta talk to her. Stop listing down the names of your future kids and start listing actual good icebreakers to start a conversation with her.”

“You say that like it’s so easy…”

“That’s fair. Just don’t come crying to me if she ends up finding someone else.”

It must be hard for Michael to have to go through the entire day listening to the guy he liked talk about someone else while still being obligated to give him advice. But that wasn’t any of my business. Just as I shut my locker and was about to turn and head for my next class, a familiar high-pitched voice called my name out of nowhere.

A voice I didn’t expect to hear until by the end of the week.

“Dick!” Christine ran up to me in enthusiastic strides and before I could have the chance to register the fact that she was back from Hong Kong, she suddenly threw herself in my arms. I dropped my backpack on the floor and held her carefully as she laughed and buried her face on my chest, her arms encircled around my neck. Her warm cinnamon scent almost felt like home to me and before I knew it, I was hugging her back.

And I realized just how much I missed her. That sounded cheesy but it wasn’t like I was going to tell her that.

This was the first time she acknowledged me at school.

I couldn’t help but wonder what made her suddenly want to talk to me in public.

“I’ve missed you.” Her words were muffled against my chest but I heard her. I almost felt awkward at the possibility of her noticing the pounding of my heart but so far, she hadn’t said anything about it. Instead, she just pulled away and smiled up at me-- still keeping her arms around my neck while I withdrew a bit but maintained my hands on her waist.

She then asked me a question that embarrassed me a bit.

“Did you miss me?”

Naturally, my mind panicked so I opted for a change of topic. “You’ve cut your hair.”

“Oh, yeah. It was getting way too long again.” She giggled, seemingly unaware as she tucked a few strands of her dark hair to the back of her ear much like what she did the first time I noticed her haircut. “Do you--”

“I like it.” I already knew what she was going to ask and at this point, I had no problem telling her how I felt about her hair. “You look nice.”

Her smile grew wider at that. “I bought you a Christmas present. And it’s weird, I know. It’s not Christmas anymore and we didn’t really talk about giving each other gifts but I wasn’t around during the holidays and I really wanted to give you something. You don’t have to feel bad about not getting me anything though! It’s not like I was expecting you to. I just don’t want to put you on the spot and--”

“I bought you something too.”

She looked caught off-guard. She took a step back from me and she started fiddling with her fingers. “You did?”

I swallowed down the lump in my throat and nodded. “Well… yeah. I mean, why shouldn’t I?”

Maybe my eyes were deceiving me or maybe I was just being too full of myself but I could have sworn Christine’s face appeared to be slightly flushed. But when she started fanning her heated face with her hands, I knew I wasn’t just being hopeful.

“Oh my gosh, I was so nervous!” She laughed. “I thought you were going to hate me for putting you on the spot!”

I breathed out a laugh of my own and shook my head. “I’m not _that_ pissy.”

She stuck her tongue out at me. “Sure, Jan.”

We laughed. She let out a snort and that just made the two of us laugh even harder. I remembered how easy it was to laugh with her. Everything just felt so natural whenever I was with her and for once, I didn’t hate school as much as I usually did.

“Let’s give each other our presents this Saturday.” She said after letting the last string of giggles bubble out of her.

“Same time?” I asked.

She nodded eagerly. “Yep! Oh, and before I forget!” She grabbed something from her backpack then handed me a folded piece of paper. I opened it and saw a poster for a musical called _Into the Woods_. Christine and I have already watched the movie together before, but I’ve never seen it on stage.

“Another school play?” I asked as I looked back at her.

“Mhm!” She rocked back and forth on her heels. “I get to play Little Red Riding Hood which is _such_ a major role this time. Most of my friends want to work backstage instead after the whole… _you know._ So I was pretty much the only choice for the role and I’m so excited! Don’t miss it, okay? I’m not going to mess it up this time. And invite Rob as well! I want to make him proud!”

Seeing her this excited for her second play after the disastrous one was really a nice sight to see, I thought. And much to my surprise, I found myself already looking forward to watching the play.

“We’ll be there then.” I folded the poster before remembering that I have dropped my backpack on the floor. But before I could even pick it up, Christine immediately beat me to it and she returned my backpack with her trademark smile.

“Promise me you’ll come?” She asked.

“I’m a man of my word.” I smiled.

She giggled and reached up to give me a kiss on my cheek.

I froze.

But she didn’t even give me enough time to react because she let out a squeaky “See ya!” before quickly rushing off, not looking back. I watched her leave just like that, completely dumbfounded.

My face felt hot.

And as though reminding me that they were still there, I heard Michael speak up from behind me.

“I guess Christine already found someone.”

Jeremy sounded defeated. “No way…”

I didn’t know how to feel about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos are appreciated and comments are great motivators!


	32. Chapter 32

# THIRTY-TWO

Michael sent me a text message along with a photo of Jeremy sleeping on the couch in his basement-- his arm thrown over his eyes. 

**“look what ur PDA did 2 the poor guy lmao”**

What was he talking about? I wasted no time in thumbing in my reply.

**“PDA? when?”**

**“public displays of affection”**

**“i know what PDA is, you dingus. when did i ever show PDA?”**

**“uhhhh just this afternoon? w/ christine?”**

**“oh okay”**

**“okay??? dude the girl u like literally kissed u and ur just like ‘okay’?”**

**“quit assuming shit”**

**“oh cmon u cant fool me”**

**“how’s jeremy?”**

**“he was mortified, my man. wouldnt stop moping around until he finally tired himself out.”**

I wasn’t entirely sure what to say next but before I could even type anything, Michael sent me another following message.

**“ive never seen him this drawn to anyone before. its kinda weird.”**

I could already sense the envy burning holes through his chest. The jealousy could practically radiate off of his message.

**“maybe you’re just imagining it.”**

**“im not. did u know just during new years eve, he sent me a photo of a big ass bunny doll and told me its his xmas gift for christine?”**

**“no, you didn’t mention that. did he give it to her?”**

**“nope. wimped out in the end. but thats what im saying. hes never gone this far out for someone he likes before.”**

**“maybe you should quit pining for him and look for someone who also likes guys”**

**“as good of an advice as that is, we cant be 2 sure that jere is even straight.”**

**“um care to elaborate?”**

**“for all we know, he could be closeted as well. hes always thought i was straight until i told him otherwise.”**

**“so you think he’s possibly gay?”**

**“not exactly. bisexual i guess.”**

That’s a word I haven’t heard of.

**“what’s that?”**

**“youve seriously never heard of the word bisexual??”**

**“no. i only know gays and lesbians.”**

**“okay damn im gunna have 2 talk 2 u about the spectrum of sexualities and genders soon, my man. but 2 stay on point, bisexuality is having attraction for both male and female.”**

I paused and read the last bit of his message perhaps five more times. 

**“i didn’t know that was a thing.”**

**“this is why ur lucky u have me around ;)”**

**“you think jeremy is bisexual?”**

**“could be. im keeping my fingers crossed, but not 2 tightly crossed u know?”**

**“and what if he does find the courage to talk to christine?”**

**“dont say that :(“**

**“i’m serious though.”**

**“well id be rly stoked for him. but ofc id be a bit upset too. cant help that. ive been encouraging him 2 talk 2 her anyway.”**

**“that’s depressing, man.”**

**“tell me about it.”**


	33. Chapter 33

# THIRTY-THREE

 _THINGS I CAN’T SAY OUT LOUD_ were the words embossed on the cover of the hardbound notebook Christine gave me as a Christmas present. It also came with a black fancy-looking pen. I looked at Christine who was sitting beside me on our front porch and she had a wide proud smile on her face.

“I know I can’t force you to tell me what’s on your mind all the time.” She said. “So I figured I should buy you this instead. Mom said it’s healthy to either say or write out your thoughts. It’s not good to keep everything all bottled up inside.”

I flipped through the empty pages before looking back at her again. “I like it. Thanks.”

Her smile grew wider. “You’re welcome. I wanted to get you something with a lock but I don’t think Rob or your dad are the kind of people who would snoop around in your room.”

That made me laugh. The picture of Rob snooping around in my room sounded ridiculous. “They’re not really gonna find anything if they try anyway.” Unless they check under my bed but I doubted they’d be interested in a shoe box.

“Yeah, you have a really boring room.” Her grin sparked humor in her dark eyes.

I tapped her head lightly with my new notebook. “Hey, I just like to keep it simple.”

“It needs posters.”

“Posters of what?”

“I don’t know. Movies? The ones you like.”

“Like _Friday the 13th?_ ”

“Yeah, or _Fight Club._ ”

“Or _Die Hard._ ”

“Or _The Blair Witch Project_.”

“Or _Scarface._ ”

“So it’s safe to say that your favorite genres are horror and action, right?”

I paused. I never even realized that until now. I haven’t really put much thought into what my interests were for a long time.

“Is that for me?” Christine pointed at the small neatly wrapped present beside me and I woke up from my own train of thoughts.

“Oh, yeah.” I picked it up and she snatched it from me right away with eager hands. There was absolutely nothing dainty with the way she tore the wrapper away and it was almost a hilarious sight to see if it wasn’t for the fact that I was nervous whether or not she’ll like my present. I wondered if this was what she felt while I was opening her present-- I did take my time in doing so by pulling each strip of tape off instead of completely tearing the wrapper so I guess her possible anxiety wasn’t as short-lived as mine was.

She took the lid of the box open and pulled out the aluminum necklace that had a green freshwater pearl and a charm with the words _Dancing Through Life_ on it. She had been so obsessed with _Wicked_ lately and the necklace was within my $20 budget.

Christine liked it. She screamed and threw herself in my arms again, almost knocking me over. Courage, who had been sleeping on the grass, got excited and joined us. He was a slobbering mess and we laughed. Christine wore the necklace right after and gave me another kiss on the cheek.

I blushed.

I knew she blushed too because she was hiding her face.

I guess kissing me on the cheek will be her new thing.

I watched her touch the charm of her new necklace and I felt something light flutter in my chest. She really liked my present. That made me happier than I thought it should.

“Why did you talk to me at school?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“Huh?”

“Why did you talk to me at school?” I repeated. “Aren’t you worried Chloe might pick on you?”

“Oh!” She smiled. “No, she was absent that time so I didn’t have anything to worry about.”

That made sense.

It sucked, but it still made sense.

“Wanna do our homework now?” I reminded her of the sole reason why she was here in the first place in an attempt to distract myself from her answer.

She looked at me and smiled. “Sure.”

We grabbed our backpacks and started looking for the necessary school materials. I found Jake’s shirt stuffed in my backpack, obstructing my pursuit for the things I needed to do my homework. I washed it this morning and had thrown it into my backpack as soon as it dried so I won't forget it on Monday. I intentionally procrastinated from handing it to him the day after he lent it to me just for the sake of being petty. I scowled at the memory the shirt granted me and I pulled it out just so I could find my things easier.

From the corner of my eye, I noticed Christine picking it up and checking it out. “Why do you have Jake Dillinger’s gym shirt? I thought you hate him?”

“He lent it to me when I forgot mine.”

“Oh. That's awfully nice of him.”

“Not really. He did it to earn our coach’s praise. He called me “the less fortunate” like the smug bastard that he is.”

“But he's not picking on you anymore, right?’

“He's condescending so he still gets on my nerves.”

“Maybe because you don’t praise him as much as most people do.” She giggled, folding the shirt neatly. “And that's why he wants you to think he's above you.”

“Being in constant need of everyone’s validation is pathetic.”

“It really is.”

We were quiet for a while.

Until Christine spoke up again.

“Aren't we the same though?”

“I don't know.” Her question made me nervous.

She didn't seem to have picked up on that. “But I suppose we don't have it as bad as Jake does. Anyone who tries to be perfect usually has the hardest time being human.”

I looked at her to see that she had already opened her textbook. She didn't dwell long on the topic as usual and started talking about how her English teacher always mispronounced the word _often_ a lot. But I wasn't entirely there in the conversation.

What she said about Jake was stuck in my head.

Later that night, I joined dad on the couch again after dinner. He was in the middle of flipping through channels before stopping on a specific game show that had a flamboyantly gay host. Dad chuckled at the guy and muttered something in Russian which I didn’t understand. He then went back to flipping through channels.

“Hey dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Christine’s gonna have a school play next month.”

“Good to know.”

“Do you wanna watch it with me and Rob?”

“What’s the play about?”

“It’s called _Into the Woods_. It’s like a crossover of fairy tale characters.”

“And who’s your little friend playing?”

“Little Red Riding Hood.”

“But isn’t Catherine Japanese?”

I frowned. “ _Christine’s_ Chinese.”

“Same difference.”

“What’s your point, dad?”

“Little Red Riding Hood isn’t Asian.”

“She doesn’t exist either. I still don’t get your point.”

“She should play that…” He waved his hand around. “What was that character called? That fox demon thingamajig...”

I was getting pissed. “Please tell me you’re not talking about  _The Fox Sister_.”

“Yeah, that one.”

“She’s not Korean, dad. She’s _Chinese_.”

“Accuracy is important, isn’t it? She should play an Asian character.”

“Are you watching or not?” I snapped, but my tone just flew over his head like the rest of my words.

“I’ll pass.”

“Whatever.”

I stood up from the couch and went back to my room. I didn’t even know why I tried inviting him.


	34. Chapter 34

# THIRTY-FOUR

_ THINGS I CAN’T SAY OUT LOUD: _

_ I feel stupid and disgusting every time I open my mouth. _

_ I’m starting to hate overhearing Michael’s conversations with Jeremy. _

_ I wish I was older than Rob. Then maybe he would be the one being treated like a kid. And maybe I’d be Jevonne’s best friend. _

_ I hate our house.  _

_ I hate my dad. _

_ I really miss my mom. _

_ I wish Rob doesn’t have to go to Harvard. _

_ Christine is really smart and pretty. I still don’t know why she talks to me.  _

_ Michael is really cool. I also don’t know why he talks to me. _

_ I hate my face. _

_ I hate my glasses. _

_ I hate my body. _

_ Jake doesn’t deserve all the appreciation he’s getting. _

_ Jake should quit acting like he’s above everyone else. _

_ I’m jealous of Jake. _

_ I really miss my mom. _

_ Why am I only a second option.  _

_ Why can’t I control my temper. _

_ Why can’t I be Rob or Jake or Jevonne. _

_ I don't want my mind to go bad again. _

_ I’m tired. _

_ I want to stop feeling helpless and hopeless. _

_ I don’t wanna exist anymore. _

_ I really hate my mom. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't much but we're getting close to the SQUIP! Thank you so much for bearing with me!! 
> 
> Your comments are such a great source of motivation!! <3


	35. Chapter 35

# THIRTY-FIVE

My day started off shitty the second I woke up earlier than I usually would with a fever. Despite my protests, Rob skipped school just to look after me. It was embarrassing just thinking about it. I was already in my early teens and yet I still needed someone to tend to me just because I caught something as trivial as a fever. Being under my bed sheet felt like slipping my body into a hot oven, but keeping it off felt like I was lying naked in a chilly winter night.  

My dry coughs made my throat ache and my nausea worse. Everything I ate or drank just tasted bitter. I felt so cold on the outside, but so hot on the inside. No matter which direction I looked at, it seemed like everything just felt too far from my reach. I knew I was also pissier than usual and I felt bad that I was taking it out on Rob who was being surprisingly patient with me.

I could still feel my face burning and my head swimming when my brother took my temperature again.

“You’re still not getting any better.” He sighed as he reached out to wipe the cold sweat running down my right temple. “How are you feeling?”

I opened my mouth to respond but my harsh coughs interrupted me.

Rob winced. “I guess that’s good enough of an answer. What do you want for dinner?”

“I’m not hungry.” I managed to find my voice. “I’m just gonna throw everything up anyway.”

“I’ll make you some soup then. Is that cool?”

I was too weak to argue so I just nodded my head. I would probably be asleep by the time he was done making that soup anyway so there was no use in wasting my energy. I closed my eyes as I felt his weight lift off from my bed. He touched my forehead as though checking my temperature again and I heard him sigh in disappointment.

“By the way, your friend will be coming over to give you all the lessons you missed out on.” He said. “What was his name again-- Mikey?”

That made me open my eyes again. I looked up at him. “Michael? You… told Michael where we live?”

He shrugged. “Jevonne wanted to bring those notes to you himself but he has plans tonight. What’s wrong with Michael knowing where we live?”

Another attempt of a response failed me as my coughs racked my entire body.

“I’ll go make your soup now.” Rob dropped the topic. “Just get some rest, lil man.”

Then he left.

I didn't want Michael to see our house. I didn't even want him to see me _like this._ He told me to grow up, but right now I was acting more of a helpless child than I ever had. I closed my eyes again and wished for sleep to quickly take me in. Maybe if I were asleep, Michael wouldn't bother me.

I hoped to God this will work.

* * *

When I woke up, I found Michael sitting by my desk-- his back turned to me. He was writing something. I glanced over at my clock to see that it was already past eight. What was he still doing here? Shouldn’t he have just put the notes on my desk and leave?

As I tried to sit up, another harsh set of coughs interrupted me and I crashed back down to my bed.

That got Michael’s attention.

“Oh shit.” He rushed over to my bedside table and picked up the glass of water Rob had left for me. He helped me sit up and handed the glass over. I swallowed the water in as if my entire life depended on it-- which it did. Sorta.

“Man, you really are sick.” Michael sat down on my bed. “You look like a ghost. You think you were white before? You should see yourself now.”

I was honestly far too weak and nauseated to laugh at his clever reference. “What are you still doing here?”

“I _was_ just going to leave the notes that I have _selflessly written for you,_ but your brother invited me to stay for dinner.”

“You had dinner with Rob?”

“Yeah. He’s really cute, by the way.”

I grimaced. “What?”

He shrugged. “Just saying. I never thought I’d have dinner with the school’s quarterback. Jake would be quaking in his shoes.”

I tried to put the glass back on the bedside table but with my state of mind, I saw it stretching far away from me and I almost lost my balance until Michael caught me just in time. He took the glass from me and placed it back to where it should be. I muttered a _thanks_ before leaning back with a sigh.

“Did you meet my dad?” I asked the inevitable.

He nodded. “I don’t think he likes me.”

“That’s just his face.”

He laughed. Then he reached out to check my temperature by placing his hand on my forehead. I stayed still, a bit thrown off by the comfort his hand brought against my skin.

Then he pulled away. “You’re still hot. Both literally and figuratively.”

“Ha ha.” I said dryly.

He laughed again. “I’ve been waiting for you to wake up, actually. I’m gonna give you a bath.”

And just when I thought my face couldn’t get any warmer, he said something as ridiculous as that. “No thank you.”

“Don’t you want to get better?” He frowned at me. “It’s not like I’m gonna carry you to your bathroom. Whenever I have a fever, my mom would soak a small towel with ice cold water and rubbing alcohol then rub it all over my body. It helps with your temperature.”

“Did it ever work?”

“It made me feel better so yeah, I guess.”

“Do I have to get naked?”

“That would be a nice bonus but if you don’t want to, then that’s fine.”

I threw a pillow at him weakly but he easily dodged it.

He smiled at me anyway. “I’ll be back. I’ll see if Rob could help me prepare the stuff I need.”

I rolled my eyes before sliding back down to my mattress. “You just want an excuse to talk to him again.”

“Guilty as charged.” He winked at me. “Stay right here.”

“Not like I have the energy to go anywhere.”

As soon as Michael left my room, I glanced back at the clock and wondered how long he had been waiting for me to wake up. I didn’t understand why he was going through all this trouble just to tend to me. Maybe he was avoiding his homework, or maybe he just really liked looking at my brother. Either way, I didn’t like having him here.

He was the only person I personally knew who had no idea what my life was like outside of our school.

Did he notice how our house reeked of old cheese? Did he notice that dad never left the couch? Did Rob find the time to tidy up the living room before he came by? Did he notice that there was not a single picture of mom anywhere?

Maybe that’s why he wanted to take care of me.

He felt bad for me.

I wasn’t just the kid who smoked and played video games with him anymore.

To him, I was now the kid who had daddy issues with a mom who left too soon.

His sudden concern for my well-being made perfect sense to me and now I felt even more queasy than I already did.

Michael eventually came back with a small towel and a large bowl of ice cold water. I could smell the faint traces of alcohol in the bowl. He set it down on my bedside table before sitting down beside me. I stayed still as I watched him drench the towel in cold water before wringing it as tightly as he could so as to not make a mess. Then his eyes met mine.

“Ready?”

I shrugged and offered my arm to him. “Sure.”

He folded the towel and took my arm in his hand. With precise care, he started wiping the towel against my skin. It felt nice, I realized. It felt like he was wiping all the unnecessary warmth away from body. I let out a breath of relief and closed my eyes.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked later just as I felt Michael move to the other side of the bed to rub the towel on my other arm.

“Doing what?”

“Taking care of me.”

“That’s what friends do.”

“They don’t do this specifically.”

“I bet you wouldn’t have minded it if it was Christine doing this.”

His tone sounded off again and I opened my eyes to look at him. “I _would_ have minded. I don’t like people touching me.”

He stopped. “Then why are you letting me do this?”

I didn’t know how to answer so I just looked away. “I’m sick.” I said as if that was good enough of an answer.

I heard him chuckle. He started running the towel against my arm again. “I just want you to get better as soon as possible, dude. You wouldn’t want to miss Christine’s play.”

“Yeah. She hasn’t been coming by recently because of those rehearsals she loves so much.”

“She’s rightfully ambitious, I’ll give her that.”

“Are you and Jeremy going?”

“Yep. Jeremy still hasn’t given up on her. Though I think he’s a bit too late for that. I’ve seen the way Christine looks at you.”

I looked at him again, curious but also nervous. “How does she look at me?”

“Excited.”

This conversation suddenly felt uncomfortably familiar. “That’s just her face.”

He grinned. “Is that seriously your explanation to everything?”

“If it works, sure.”

“You shouldn’t keep running away from what’s already in front of you, you know.”

“You’d make a terrible character in a zombie movie.”

He laughed. I was starting to think all he ever did was laugh a lot ever since he got here. It was weird hearing it in our house. In our gloomy, fucking depressing house. I was surprised the general atmosphere of the place hadn’t influenced him yet. Christine never laughed here. She giggled, but she never laughed. Dad scared her a bit so she didn’t want to make too much of a noise.

“I’m gonna lift up your shirt now.” He said, his fingers already holding onto the edge of my shirt.

I pushed his hand away. “No.”

He pouted which made him look more like a kid. “How am I supposed to get your temperature down?”

“You don’t have to lift up my shirt.”

“Why are you being so shy all of a sudden? I’ve seen you shirtless countless times before.”

“This is different.”

“How?”

“Michael, you’re making me feel worse.”

He flinched at that before quickly putting his hands up in surrender. “Okay, fine. Let me just wet this towel again.”

After soaking and wringing the towel for the second time, he started to gently rub the towel against my stomach and up to my chest under my shirt. I noticed that his face was almost beet red as he did so, but his expression was still as casual as always.

At least I wasn’t the only one embarrassed about this.

I closed my eyes again in an attempt to pretend like I never noticed it.

“So what did Christine get you for Christmas?” He asked and I had a feeling he just wanted to fill in the silence.

“A notebook.” I still answered no matter how much I just wanted to sleep. “She wants me to write down my thoughts.”

“Then what?”

“Nothing. She just thinks it’s healthy to write down the things I can’t say out loud.”

“Oh. Have you used it yet?”

“Once.”

“What did you write?”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“So it’s like a diary?”

“Maybe. Is that girly?”

“What’s so girly about a diary?”

I opened my eyes again. “Most boys don’t have diaries.”

“I have a diary.” He started soaking the towel again before moving down to rub it on my leg.

“Do you write on it every day?”

“Sometimes. Do you think _I’m_ girly?”

“Having a diary doesn’t embarrass you?”

“Why would it? It’s just a notebook.”

His lack of shame for anything was throwing me off again. He had a diary and he didn’t mind admitting that. But I guess that’s how things always worked in Michael’s world. He was contented with just the way things were and had no trouble going with the flow. He was so comfortable being under his own skin that he never cared about how other people saw him.

I was jealous of Michael. I realized that now. I was more jealous of him than I was of Jake.

Being Jake meant being adored but still having to reach people’s expectations in being the top of everything.

Being Michael meant being a ‘four-eyed freak’ but still perfectly unbothered by how society labeled him. He didn’t have to feel paranoid nor did he have to wonder whether he was at the bottom of the food chain or not.

“Do you like yourself?” I found myself asking out of nowhere.

He gave me an inquisitive look. “Why are you asking me that again?”

“I dunno. For reassurance?”

That made him laugh again. “That’s a weird answer.”

“And you’re a weird guy.”

He hit my leg with the towel lightly. “You’re not so normal yourself. I mean, look at your room. Not a shred of teenage interest anywhere aside from those DVDs and video games. Where are your posters? Figurines? Comic books? Even your bed sheets are plain.”

“I like it.” I frowned at him. I didn’t think my room was as boring as he and Christine made it out to be. “And if you’re looking for comic books, I hide them under my bed.”

“Please tell me you have at least a porn stash under there.”

“No.” I was getting annoyed. “Do _you_ have a porn stash?”

“Nope. Internet is an interesting invention, Dick.”

“Yeah, okay. I don’t need that picture in my head right now. I’m sick enough as it is.”

He laughed again before moving over to the other side of the bed to focus on my other leg. “I’m just messing with you. I don’t look at porn, man. The first one I saw was just traumatizing. Probably the reason why I’m not attracted to girls.”

I knew he was joking but I kinda understood where he was coming from. The first time I saw a porn video was when I was messing with dad’s computer. I was ten and saw a very disturbing clip that made me lose my appetite for an entire week. I also forgot about it completely the following week until Michael brought the topic up.

“Pornos are weird.” I said.

He chuckled. “Weirder than me?”

“Weirder than you.”

“Good.” He sounded pleased.

As soon as he was done cooling me down, he got up and carefully dropped the towel into the bowl. “How do you feel?” He asked me.

“Better.” I felt refreshed. “That was really helpful. Thanks.”

“No problem.” He looked proud of himself. “Get better soon, yeah? I don’t want to lose my substitute best friend.”

I threw him a half-hearted glare and he laughed.

“Just messing with you. But seriously, get better soon, dude. Jakey D misses you.”

“Jakey D?” I wrinkled my nose in second-hand embarrassment. “Are you a frat boy now too?”

“It rolls off the tongue right.” He shrugged with a chuckle. “All right, I should get going now.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“What question?”

“Do you like yourself?”

He paused and studied me for a moment. The stare was uncomfortable-- or maybe it was my nausea getting to my head again. But before I could have the chance to just drop the question and let him go home, Michael stepped closer to me and gently pushed my bangs back away from my forehead. The gesture was almost on the edge of being deemed as… _affectionate._ I couldn’t meet his eyes. I _didn’t want_ to meet his eyes. He was being weird again.

“You should like yourself more, Dick.” He suggested, his tone uncharacteristically serious. “You’re the only person who ever has to live with you for the rest of your life. You should might as well be good to yourself.”

“Okay.” I said hesitantly, swallowing the dry lump in my throat.

“I’ll see you at school, yeah?”

“Sure.”

“Get well soon.”


	36. Chapter 36

# THIRTY-SIX

I felt better the next day, but Rob still insisted that I should stay in bed. He didn’t skip school this time though. I managed to convince him that I’ll be fine by myself-- especially now that I was feeling a little bit better compared to yesterday. I got up from my bed and took a long cold shower right after Rob left the house. I felt gross and sticky for skipping out on my daily hygienic routine. After that, I just sat on my bed and looked around while I dried my hair with a towel.

I never noticed it until now but my room _did_ look pretty empty.

The only entertaining thing here was my small television which I haven’t been using since Christine started going to rehearsals instead of coming over. She really must be taking this play more seriously than her first one. I walked over to my desk and caught sight of an unfamiliar notebook left opened. Judging by the messy handwriting, I realized it was Michael’s. He must have forgotten it last night.

I was just about to close it when a small doodle caught my eye.

Right on the corner of the page was a doodle of me. I knew it was me. It had my hair, my glasses, even my freckles. He drew a frown on my face which in turn made me frown as well. I flipped to the next page and saw another small doodle of me on the top corner of the page. He drew me smiling this time with a slice of pizza in my hand. The next page contained another doodle of me frowning and blushing like I was some cartoon character. I looked for other drawings but I didn’t find anything else aside from those three.

That was random.

I closed his notebook and picked it up so I could put it into my backpack when a folded piece of paper slipped out and dropped down to the floor.

I bent down to pick it up before opening it to see its content out of sheer curiosity. I knew this wasn’t any of my business but after seeing those drawings of me, I assumed it was just another doodle.

But it wasn’t.

It was a conversation that was clearly passed back and forth during class.

I read it:

_“wheres your boyfriend”_

_“sorry, jenna said this note was meant for me? or is it supposed to be for someone else? - michael”_

_“its for you, dude.”_

_“oh okay. what boyfriend?”_

_“the short kid with the glasses”_

_“hes not my boyfriend.. youre asking the wrong person. sorry.“_

_“yeah sure, i dont need a part 2 of this convo. wheres he”_

_“how should i know? and why do you care?”_

_“he still has my shirt. he hasnt given it back.”_

_“you sure_ **_youre_ ** _not his boyfriend?”_

_“watch it, mell.”_

That was the end of the conversation. Just reading it made me sick in my stomach. I didn’t want to be their boyfriend and they clearly didn’t want me to be theirs either so not only did this note annoy me, but it humiliated me as well. I crushed it in my fist and chucked it into the trash bin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, I wanted to post the next chapter but I decided to save it for the next update because starting from there, it'll have lots and lots of drama (hint: we'll finally get to the parts where Dick was pushed into taking the SQUIP dun dun dun)
> 
> Also, more art!! My friend showed these to me and they just make me so happy!! They're so inspiring, I swear. Thank you so much!
> 
> [tittinobeeno](https://www.instagram.com/p/BdjC0gABhyT/) • [hawkshyn](https://www.instagram.com/p/BdoxqMMBqcw/) • [abstractholly](https://www.instagram.com/p/BdedXXlFC-u/) • [nishichipsahoya.draws](https://www.instagram.com/p/BdOzjvpBhAQ/) • [ roshygh0stz ](https://www.instagram.com/p/BeA0lVmDS6c/)


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: fat-shaming

# THIRTY-SEVEN

After school, I didn’t go straight to the parking lot where I knew Rob would be waiting for me. I went to the auditorium instead. I haven’t seen Christine for several weeks now. She did keep me updated with her play by sending me photos and text messages, but talking through the phone was still different from having her over.

I was certain that my brother wouldn’t mind waiting for a couple more minutes.

I didn’t plan on disturbing their rehearsal. I just wanted to see how she was doing.

When I got to my destination, I didn’t step inside. The auditorium was off-limits to non-theatre students. I just stood up to the tips of my toes and tried to get a glimpse of Christine through the window.

She was on stage, holding a small woven basket as she spoke out her lines to two other students I didn’t recognize. I couldn’t hear her from where I was standing but based on what I could see, it looked like she had more confidence than she had at her previous play. Maybe because there still wasn’t an audience to impress but I hoped that wasn’t the case.

_“Whoops, lover boy got here first.”_

I caught on a drawing familiar voice and I immediately jumped away from my spot, heat rushing up to my face as though I was caught peeking into the girls’ locker room instead of a mere play rehearsal. I found Jeremy and Michael staring at me with inquisitive looks-- no, scratch that. Jeremy looked confused and perhaps a bit freaked while Michael had an amused one-sided smile on his face. Considering how they reacted to the way Christine and I talked in the hallway, the last thing I needed was the both of them thinking we were dating. I didn’t want to bother Christine with a rumor that associated her with me. She deserved better than that.

“I-I… I was just… I mean-- you-- I uh-- um…” I frantically looked for the right words to say. My hands were getting clammy again and I may or may have just started talking in gibberish.

“Is Christine there?” Michael cut me off, his smile not wavering.

I just nodded my head almost meekly.

“Oh shoot, come on!” Excitedly, Jeremy grabbed Michael’s hand and rushed up to the double doors. I immediately stepped back to give them more space as they peeked through the window of each door.  

“She looks happy.” Michael commented. “I guess this is going to be better than the last one, huh?”

“I’m so happy for her.” Jeremy said dreamily. “She’s going to be the best Little Red Riding Hood the world will ever see.”

“Right on, my man.”

They both shared a fist bump without taking their eyes off the window.

I then remembered the notebook Michael left in my room. I immediately pulled it out of my backpack but when I gazed back at them, I realized that they were so absorbed with the rehearsal that they already forgot I was just standing there next to them. I scratched my head before quietly nudging the notebook to Michael’s side.

Michael didn’t respond.

I frowned and nudged it harder.

He just scratched his side.

 _“Michael."_ I hissed at him.

Thankfully enough, that got his attention and he looked at me. I showed him his notebook. He smiled and took it in his hand.

“Thanks, dude--”

“She’s singing! She’s singing!” Jeremy tugged on his sleeve frantically and just like that, Michael’s attention was back to the rehearsal.

I didn’t care though.

I just turned around and headed for the parking lot.

* * *

I was getting bigger, I realized. Not taller, but bigger.

I stared at my shirtless reflection in the bathroom mirror and noticed that the small pudge of fat I had a few months ago had swollen up even more. I wasn’t as skinny as I used to be before. My boxers felt tight and my sides were slightly hanging over them. I poked my stomach and immediate disgust seeped through my nerves. I didn’t see this coming. I’ve never had any problems eating as much as I wanted simply because I never paid any attention to how my body looked until recently.

I wished I didn’t care, but I did. I wanted to go back in time so I could have the chance to have full control over my eating habits.

How much did I eat at school today? I had two chocolate chips, mashed potatoes, chicken nuggets, fruit salad, and a box of apple juice. But then after that I had another serving of mashed potatoes. Then on the way home, I asked Rob to pull over at the convenience store so I could buy some instant ramen which I immediately ate the second I got home.

I ate too much today.

I was getting careless.

I got to thinking about the SQUIP that was still hidden away in my shoe box. I wondered if drinking it could also alter the way I looked-- its sole purpose was to make people like me after all. It could drop all these unnecessary pounds. It could get rid of my lisp. Maybe even make me taller, if that’s possible.

But no pill could be that exceptional. If it was, it’d be all over the news by now.

Still appalled by my own reflection, I grabbed my shirt and put it back on in an attempt to cover up my life mistakes.

Someone knocked on the door.

 _“Hey Dick,”_ I heard Rob’s voice from the other side. _“Jevonne and I are gonna eat out tonight. Wanna come along?”_

I stared at my reflection for a few seconds before walking up to the door and opening it to find Rob. Unlike me, Rob was tall and toned with honeyed brown skin which he got from going to all those popular pool and beach parties he kept getting invited to. He looked _nothing_ like me. Nobody would have even guessed that we were brothers.

He was like the Greg Jenko to my Morton Schmidt.

And that really fucking sucked.

“Am I fat?” I asked him.

He cocked an inquisitive brow at me. “Have you been talking to Kim again?”

Kim was his most recent ex-girlfriend and probably the most complex one he’s ever dated. She strictly only ate foods that had a particular calorie count and would go into some kind of panic every time Rob spontaneously wanted to cook for her. After their breakup, she used me as her messenger to let Rob know that she wanted to get back together but when Rob did talk to her about it, she suddenly changed her mind and made people think he was the one dying to get back with her. It was a messy relationship that left both of them perpetually irritated.

 _Kim doesn’t want my help. She needs to figure things out on her own,_ was what Rob told me when I asked why she dumped him.

“No.” I answered. “She doesn’t talk to me anymore. But you didn’t answer my question.”

“Since when did you start thinking about your weight?”

“Am I fat or not?”

Rob sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know. Maybe, I guess? But that’s how puberty works. Do you remember how Jevonne looked when he was your age?”

Jevonne was really plump when he was a freshman. But he changed so much years after that-- I completely forgot he was that kind of kid before.

“Yeah…” I said hesitantly.

“And look at him now. He’s our team’s linebacker and was chosen to be the face for our school’s brochures. You’re worrying over nothing, kid. You’ll be fine.”

Unsurprisingly, his words didn’t make me feel any better.

“You better not start starving yourself. Come on, you’ll come with me to the diner.” Rob ruffled my hair before nudging me out of the bathroom. “Jevonne’s waiting for us outside. I’ll just go get my keys.”

As Rob left to go to his room, I shrugged and walked down the stairs. I found dad in the kitchen rummaging through the cabinets. When he caught sight of me, he waved me over but I didn’t move from my spot.

“Looking for something?” I asked.

“Are we out of Pizza Pringles?” Dad scratched his beer belly. “I could have sworn I saw one poking out of the grocery bag your brother brought in yesterday.”

“I ate it.”

“Damn it. What else do we have here?”

“I still have half a bag of Walkers in the upper cabinet over there if you want it.”

“Thanks, son.”

I watched him struggle to reach up for the bag of chips, his stained white tank top riding up and exposing his protruding sides. I stared down at my own body then back at him. If I wasn’t as lucky as Jevonne, I might end up looking like my dad. I didn’t want that. Maybe I could have a small plate of salad in the diner. I was sure they have that.

I shook my head and stepped out of the house.

I found Jevonne leaning back against Rob’s vehicle, his hand dipped into the pocket of his red letter jacket while his other hand was busy scrolling through whatever app he was looking at on his phone.

“Hey.” I greeted him as soon as I reached him.

He looked down at me and an easy smile stretched his lips. “Hey Dick. You coming with us?”

“Rob didn’t give me much of a choice.” I leaned back against my brother’s truck as well.

“Where’s he now?”

“Looking for his keys.”

“Ahh.”

We were quiet for a moment. Jevonne looked really immersed in what appeared to be the Facebook app on his phone. But I wanted to get his attention right now so I spoke up.

“Hey, Jevonne?”

“Hm?” He didn’t take his eyes off of his phone.

“Do you remember that pill you mentioned before?”

His thumb that was swiping across his screen came to an abrupt halt. He then looked at me, an unreadable look in his light-colored eyes.

“What about it?”

“I’m just curious again.” I tried to shrug as nonchalantly as I could. It was hard to tell whether or not he was buying my act though. “You said that it was supposed to make people like you, but how does that work exactly? Is it like some kind of pill that just makes you generally happy?”

Jevonne didn’t answer right away. He locked his phone and slipped it into his pocket.

“Kinda like that.” He finally said.

“So it’s like drugs?”

“Better.”

“How? Can it alter the way you look?”

“Not right away. It’ll tell you _how_ to alter the way you look.”

 _"Tell me?_ It talks?”

Jevonne started bouncing his right leg a bit. “I’ve told you before that it has a computer inside, right? Once the computer implants itself in your brain, it’ll start communicating with you. It’s like finding a really good cheat in a video game. It helps you choose the right decisions that would lead to an easy life.”

“Do you know anyone who has taken it?”

“I know a few and they’re now genuinely happy and successful. The pill was really good for them.”

“So if it’s good for them, do you think it’s good for me too?”

Jevonne suddenly slammed his palm against the truck and I jumped in surprise. He looked just as shocked as I was, but then he just smiled almost tiredly and cleared his throat.

“Dick, do you have that pill I threw into the river?”

_Shit._

I looked away from him, guilty. “It only landed on the grass. I thought I should hold it for you just in case you end up wanting to take it after all.”

“That’s… very sweet of you.” Jevonne reached out to ruffle my hair the same way Rob did. “My SQUIP _did_ say you were going to take it.”

I paused.

Then I just stared at him.

And my mind slowly digested his words.

“You… You have…” I struggled for a response but I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. All this time, I’ve been wondering how a SQUIP worked and it turned out Jevonne had already taken it himself. I started remembering how he was a completely different person when he was my age. He was still very vocal about his thoughts and ideals but that cost him the chances of having any other friends aside from Rob. He was never the sporty kind either. He liked staying indoors and watching cartoons. He even joined the school’s debate club while Rob pursued a slot in the junior varsity football team.

They were the complete opposites of each other.

“Okay, okay, I need you take a deep breath first.” Jevonne carefully moved closer to me and patted my shoulder.

I did as I was told.

He looked pleased that I listened to him. “Listen, I only brought the topic up to you that day because my SQUIP sensed that you wanted to make something big out of your life. So I had to make you consider having a SQUIP of your own to help you.”

“B-But…” I stuttered. “Why didn’t you just tell me that you already have one instead of pretending like you were still considering it?”

“My SQUIP saw the possibility of you telling Rob about it.”

I looked back on that specific day and how I felt when Jevonne told me all about the pill. I wasn’t taking him seriously. I was so sure that he just got scammed. Maybe I would have thought that it would be a funny story to tell my brother if Jevonne did tell me that he drank it only to realize that he just got scammed.

“If it’s like a computer… does that mean you can turn it off?” I asked.

“They said drinking Mountain Dew Red would permanently shut the computer down.”

“Who’s _they_?”

“The guy who sold it to me.”

“Oh… Why Mountain Dew Red?”

“I don’t know, kid. It just works that way.”

This was all bewildering. I still had so many questions in mind, but one in particular stuck out.

“You said you didn’t want the pill to be popular, but because you wanted to be good enough for someone.” I recalled. “Was that true or was that also a lie?”

“It’s…” Jevonne lingered on his pause, then he continued. “...more complicated than you think. Rob and I were drifting apart. He was joining a crowd I wasn’t familiar with. I didn’t have a choice. But I’m telling you, Dick-- having a SQUIP was the _best decision_ I’ve ever made. I have more friends than I couldn’t have ever imagined having. I’m finally excelling in school. And I didn’t lose your brother. Life is so much easier now and I’m sure it can help you too.”

_It can help me too._

Can it really though?

I didn’t have enough time to respond because Rob finally stepped out of the house, his keys in his hand.

“Sorry it took so long.” He sighed almost irritably. “Dad pressed some button on the remote and the picture on the screen just went blue.”

Jevonne laughed as if we didn’t just have a conversation about a life-altering pill. “What would your dad do without you, man?”

“He’d probably end up burning the house down too.” Rob clicked his tongue in annoyance before unlocking the door to the passenger’s seat. “Hey Dick, do you wanna ride inside or do you wanna sit on the bed of the truck again?”

I didn’t know why I hesitated but when I did, I noticed Rob’s expression fading from irritation to concern. I didn’t need his attention right now.

“I’ll just sit at the back.” I said.

“Okay. Suit yourself.” He walked around to get to the driver’s seat.

Before hopping in, Jevonne winked at me. “Think about it, kid.”

Later that night, when all the lights in the house were out, I pulled the shoe box out from under my bed and inspected the pill again.

It won’t be able to literally change the way I looked, but it could tell me how to do it. It could guide me how to talk to people-- maybe how to talk without my lisp. Did that mean I’ll hear someone else’s voice in my head? What kind of voice would that be? Will it sound like a man or a woman?

Maybe Jevonne was just pulling my leg.

Though, that would have been a strangely detailed joke.

Before I knew it, I fell asleep with the SQUIP in my grip.


	38. Chapter 38

# THIRTY-EIGHT

Christine called me on Saturday night to apologize for not being able to come over as much as she used to. I didn’t really mind. She was finally rehearsing for a play she really liked. I’ve never seen her this happy since Kristin Chenoweth liked one of her tweets. 

_ “Did you see the picture I sent you?”  _ She asked from the other line. She was referring to the selfie she took in her Red Riding Hood costume.

“Yeah.” I pinned my phone between my shoulder and my ear as I worked on my history homework. “Red looks really good on you.”

_ “That’s what Madeline said!” _ She let out an ear-shattering squeal, but I was already used to it.  _ “You and Rob are going to watch, right? My parents won’t be able to make it because of some business trip so I reserved two front row seats for you guys instead.” _

That made me smile. “Wow, Christine. Thanks. I already told Rob about it and he’s looking forward to it. Should I show him your picture?”

_ “N-No!”  _ She sounded embarrassed.  _ “My face looks silly!” _

“Yeah, but you did that on purpose.”

_ “That’s because I only wanted  _ you  _ to see it!” _

“I’m touched.”

She giggled.  _ “You know, the girls in the theatre club have been asking me about the necklace you gave me. They wanted to know where you bought it.” _

I stopped writing and sat straight on my bed. “You’ve been wearing it at school?”

_ “Of course! It’s really pretty! And you gave it to me so…” _

Awkward silence took over the conversation. I guess she was just as embarrassed as I was about the swift turn the phone call took. What made it worse was that I couldn’t see her face so I had no idea what kind of expression she was making. 

_ “Have you been writing on the notebook I bought you?”  _ She then broke the silence after some light coughing.

I glanced over at the silver hardbound notebook sitting neatly on my bedside table. “Yeah. Once.” I said honestly. I knew better than to lie to her. 

_ “How did it feel?” _

“Weird.”

She laughed.  _ “Are your thoughts  _ that  _ emotional?” _

I found myself not minding her teasing. In fact, I found myself not minding anything about her that would have usually annoyed me if it came from someone else. That was a weird thought. 

“That’s for me to know and for you to find out.”

_ “Ooh, is that an invitation? Should I look for your notebook the next time I come over?” _

“You can try, but it’ll be futile.”

_ “Now I’m really curious! This is your fault!” _

I laughed, a weird giddy feeling sitting in the pit of my stomach. “You’re probably not going to like what I wrote there anyway.”

_ “I highly doubt that. I like you too much now.” _

And again, the awkward silence returned to loom over us. I didn’t know what she meant by that and frankly, I was too scared to ask. 

Luckily, she answered my unasked question.

_ “As a friend, I mean.”  _ She quickly clarified.  _ “And friends aren’t supposed to judge each other.” _

“Oh…” I winced when I realized the disappointed tone in my voice. Where the hell did that come from? I immediately cleared my throat and spoke up in a slightly more confident tone. “Uh, yeah. I knew that. You didn’t have to point that out, idiot.”

She giggled again, but it was softer than earlier.  _ “Let’s compare our grades and see who’s the real idiot. I don’t want to play a stereotype but my grades are pretty exceptional if I do say so myself.” _

“Oh, trust me. I never doubted that.”

_ “Good! I gotta go now. Time to do my evening beauty routine. Good night!” _

I smiled. “All right, good night.”


	39. Chapter 39

# THIRTY-NINE

When Michael finally decided to show me his room, I did not think it would come to this.

I sat stiffly on his bed, trying my very best not to make any more movements unless I wanted to touch some of the trash laying around on the floor. Michael was at his desk with his computer headset on, playing Warcraft. We were supposed to play video games down at the basement but Micah had his friends over and got to their shared gaming consoles first.

There was not a single thing I liked about Michael’s room.

There were candy wrappers and empty soda cans everywhere. He had a lot of old clothes stacked on his red bean bag chair and some of the socks even looked kinda crusty for some reason. I found a trail of ants walking down from the wall and towards an abandoned bag of chips at the corner of the room. In short, Michael had his very own Smokey Mountain in their household.

“Michael,” I frowned at how he had just completely forgotten he even invited me over. “I think I should just go home now.”

He didn’t respond. I could hear the loud audio of his game booming from his headset. I bent down to pick up an empty can of Dr. Pepper before tossing it to his head. He flinched, said some word I didn’t know over the mic, then turned his chair around to face me.

“What’s up?”

My frown deepened. “What the hell did you invite me here for?”

He pulled his headset down over his neck. “Well, I wanted to play in the basement but--”

“Yeah, but Micah beat you to it. I got that. Don’t you have anything fun to do here in your room?”

“Now that’s interesting.” A sly smile curved Michael’s lips as he leaned back against his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. “What _is_ your definition of fun? What do _you_ want to do?”

“I wanna play video games.”

“We can’t do that right now, you know that. What do you do for fun?”

I thought that over. All I ever did that would keep me occupied was watch TV, do my homework, or study some of the school subjects I really liked to stay ahead. But I knew Michael wouldn’t like the latter two and watching TV was pretty much all we ever did if we weren’t playing video games. Now that I’ve thought about it, I probably wouldn’t even be focused enough to play anything. Not when I’ve been thinking about the SQUIP recently.

I gave up. “I’m just gonna go home, man. This is boring.”

“But you came all the way here.” Michael took his headset off before walking over so he could plop down on his bed beside me. “I have board games. They’re really old but that’s what makes them interesting.”

“Sure.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I’ll do anything to distract myself from your room.”

My comment seemed to have thrown him off because his smile faltered. “My room? What’s wrong with my room?”

“Is that a rhetorical question?”

“I like my room.”

“There’s trash everywhere, Michael. There are literally bread crumbs on your bed. Please tell me you don’t sleep on this bed.”

“I don’t. I usually spend the night in the basement.”

“Then what the hell is your bedroom for?”

“It’s the only room I get to have for myself. Nobody’s allowed inside unless I let them. Including my parents.”

“So you go here for privacy?”

“If I wanna be alone, yeah.”

“Has Jeremy been here?”

“Why does that matter?”

“It’s just a question.”

“Yes, he’s been here countless times.”

“Okay.” I looked around again, fighting back the disgusted scowl that was clawing its way up to my lips. “Will you get mad if I suggest we clean your room up first before we play any board games? I’m really not comfortable being here.”

Michael scoffed and rolled his eyes. “All right, fiiine. Do you want a maid outfit to go with it?”

“Put a child lock on your fantasies, Mell.

At least that made him laugh. “Come on. Let’s start cleaning.”

And just like that, we started tidying his room up. It turned out to be harder than I thought. There were trash everywhere from under his bed to the dusty surface of his DVD player. I made him take out all the rancid old clothes and much to my absolute horror, he had a lot more stuffed under his desk. He clearly didn’t like using coasters because there were a lot of brown ring marks all over his desk and his bedside table. Michael eventually gave up halfway through and just lied down on his newly made bed and watched me. He was already tired.

“You’re really good at this.” I could sense the teasing tone in his voice. “I think you’ve found your calling.”

I pulled his blinds up after dusting them. “Shut up. You would have been found dead here if it wasn’t for me.”

“My hero.” He continued to tease.

I just flipped him the bird and he laughed. As soon as I was done, I crashed down on his bed beside him with a satisfied sigh.

After cleaning his entire room up, I only realized how big it was. Much bigger than mine.

“Man, my mom is so going to love you more once she finds out you’ve actually convinced me to clean my room.” Michael said, nudging my side. “Thanks, by the way. My room does look better this way. Maybe I should try to keep things clean and organized from now on.”

“Please do.” I gave him a tired look. “Otherwise, we can’t be friends anymore.”

“Yeah, sure.” He didn’t take me seriously. He didn’t have to anyway. “I can’t wait ‘till Jeremy gets a load of this.”

“Has he always been okay with all the mess?”

“He used to complain every now and then. But we grew up together so I guess he just got used to it.”

“I see.”

We were quiet after that. It wasn’t uncomfortable though. I was still trying to catch my breath from all the cleaning I had to do _for free_. I never liked moving around. I didn’t like perspiring at all, but Michael’s room was just too much for me to handle.

Michael eventually sat up and I stared at his back. This was one of the rare times where I got to see him without his hoodie on. He was wearing a plain black worn-out shirt and I just now noticed there were two holes on his right shoulder. That small sight bothered me a bit but I decided not to comment on it. I didn’t want to sound like a nagging mom.

He scratched the back of his neck.

“I’m going to tell Jeremy I like him.” His words broke the silence that I was just getting cozy to.

His decision was so sudden that I couldn’t find it in myself to react right away. I sat up and stared at him, though he didn’t look back at me.

“That’s not a good idea.” I said in full honesty.

Maybe my answer wasn’t the kind of response he was expecting because he quickly averted his gaze away from his lap then at me, a look of bewilderment on his face.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I just have a bad feeling about this.”

“We had a bit of a weird conversation yesterday.” He adjusted his position so he could face me. “We were talking about hypotheticals and he said if he liked boys, I would have totally been his type.”

“He said that?” My tone of disbelief prompted a frown from him.

“Do I sound like I’m making that up? I’m not pathetic, dude. He really did say that. He asked me who would have been my type if I liked girls and I asked him the same about liking boys.”

“ _If_ he likes boys.” I pointed out. “You guys were talking hypotheticals.”

“Why are you being such a Negative Nancy?” His frown shifted into a childish pout.

“I just don’t want you to do something you might end up regretting.”

“I’m not gonna regret telling him. It’s not like I expect him to say that he likes me too.”

“You wouldn’t mind if he rejected you?”

“No. Because I know he likes Christine. Maybe even too much. I just… figured that maybe if I tell him, it would take a huge load off my back, you know? If he turns me down, then at least I still have you.”

I didn’t know what he meant by that and I didn’t want to know so I didn’t ask.

“I still think this is a bad idea, Michael.”

“Yeah, well, you’ve always been a Bitter Betty.”

“Is she your hypothetical girlfriend?”

He smacked the back of my head with a pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think so far! :D
> 
> Kudos are greatly appreciated!


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for all the typos and late update!

# FORTY

“Ugh, I knew watching this movie with a face mask on is a bad idea.” Christine immediately put the movie we were watching on pause just when we got to the scene where Paige and Leo were about to run away from security when they were found out that they were trespassing in some art museum to have their wedding.

I glanced at her, feeling a bit silly with my own sheet mask on. I really didn’t want to do this but Christine had always been a persuasive person.

“Why did you pause it?”

“Because I know that scene is going to make me cry.”

“Isn’t this supposed to be a happy scene?”

“Exactly!”

“Girls are weird.”

“Boys are weirder.”

“How long do we have to keep these masks on?”

“Ten more minutes.”

I sighed and leaned back against the foot of her bed. This was the second time I’ve been to her place. The last time I came over, Christine was a sobbing mess. But I guess she wanted that memory permanently erased from my mind so she invited me over as soon as she finally had some free time. Rob could have easily dropped me off but he left earlier than I did for another senior party so I ended up having to take my bike instead.

I tapped my sheet mask with my fingers and felt the somewhat slimy substance against my skin. It was ironic how disgusting it felt when it was meant to make my skin ‘clean, smooth, and well-moisturized’.

“It’s weird to see Channing Tatum in this kind of movie.” I said, watching Christine scroll through something on her phone.

She didn’t even look up. “He’s an attractive man. Of course he’d be in chick flicks.”

“That makes sense.”

“Do _you_ find Channing Tatum attractive?”

“Sure.”

That made her turn her head at me right away. “You just admitted that so easily.”

 _Ah, shit._ I may or may not have been spending too much time with Michael who never really had any problems talking about his celebrity crushes. He would ask me every now and then if _I_ think his celebrity crushes were attractive and I somehow eventually found myself just agreeing with him every time he would bring it up just so I wouldn’t come off as homophobic.

I shrugged, feigning a look of nonchalance even though I was bad at it. “Well, he is, isn’t he?”

“Not many boys admit that other boys are attractive.”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Do you like boys?”

“I like girls, Christine.”

“Are you sure?”

I couldn’t tell if it was the substance from the mask or my own sweat running on my face, but I was getting very uncomfortable. The thought of telling her that I wasn’t gay didn’t sound very promising when I literally had a sheet mask on my face. Shit, _that_ sounded homophobic, didn’t it? I could feel my heart rate quickening and my mind desperately reaching for a crowd of seemingly appropriate replies-- each one possibly receiving a more suspicious reaction than the last. I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea.

She had a very serious look on her face. But then an amused grin cracked through her expression which in turn loosened and wrinkled her mask.

“I’m kidding!” She slapped my shoulder harder than I gave her credit for. It stung, but I doubted she knew her own strength. “I’m not surprised you find Channing attractive too. Who doesn’t?”

“E-Exactly.” I tried to laugh my anxiety off but I just came off terribly awkward.

If Christine picked up on that, she didn’t show it.

“I like him best in 21 Jump Street.” I added once I’ve regained my composure. Somewhat.

“I like him best in Magic Mike.” Christine grinned almost knowingly at me.

“Weirdo.”

“Takes one to know one.”

We laughed but that just made our masks peel off from our faces. We watched two more Channing Tatum movies after that-- our favorite ones, specifically. It wasn’t long until I noticed Christine’s eyelids started to droop drowsily so I had to call it a night. We could have had a sleepover but her mom wasn’t exactly fond of the idea of having a boy stay in her daughter’s room for the night. I didn’t get what the big deal was though. It wasn’t like we planned on doing anything that could have given her a heart attack.

Christine followed me to their front doors.

“Don’t forget about my play tomorrow.” She reminded me with an endearing sleepy smile. “It starts at 5PM, _sharp._ ”

“My brother and I will be there.” I reassured her.

That made her smile grow wider. “I can’t wait! See you tomorrow, Grumpy!”

“Sure, see ya.”

I took my bike and rode away from her home.

On my way back, I got to thinking about the SQUIP again. It was weird to think that there had been a voice living in Jevonne’s head for years now and I absolutely had no idea. Didn’t that mean some of his responses to our conversations were never genuine then? Have I been talking to Jevonne or to his SQUIP this whole time? His SQUIP didn’t necessarily turn him into a bad person; otherwise, I would have stopped liking him.

Maybe that’s because he took the SQUIP just so he could be ‘good enough’ to remain as Rob’s best friend. Rob didn’t have a single mean bone in his body. It wouldn’t make sense if the SQUIP turned Jevonne into one of those pompous popular jerks in school when his goal was to stay relevant to Rob.

Jevonne looked happier after having his own SQUIP.

Maybe it’ll make me happier too.

Maybe if I took it, I wouldn’t be as short-tempered and Christine wouldn’t see me as Grumpy anymore.

I would be able to finally hang out with Michael _and_ Jeremy without feeling like a bother.

I would be able to talk without my lisp.

I wouldn’t have my crippling anxiety controlling every decision I have to make.

I immediately stopped when I caught my reflection in the window of a car and I felt an immense wave of disgust wash over me.

I was gross.

Even if I did take that pill and become more likable to Christine, Michael, and Jeremy, I would still be _Dick_.

Still at the bottom of the food chain.

Still not the kind of person people would be proud to have as their friend.

Still just a blip on the school social map.

And still not like Jake Dillinger nor Robin Goranski.

I shook the disgust out of my system before continuing on with my way. When I got to my house, I found Rob’s old pickup truck parked nearby. That was weird. It was still a bit too early for him to be home from a party. I got off my bike and carelessly pushed it down onto our front lawn before making my way to the front door, already fishing my own set of keys out.

As soon as I peeked in, I found my dad still passed out on the couch with the television on.

That was also weird. Rob always helped dad back to his room every time he’d come back home in the dead of the night. I walked in and closed the door behind me, also noticing that the light in the kitchen was turned off which could only mean Rob had gone straight up to his room. Perhaps this was one of those rare nights where he decided to drink more than he should.

I turned the television off and decided to help dad up to his room later after I check up on Rob. I climbed up the stairs and headed for my brother’s room.

The door was left ajar which was also another weird spectacle.

Rob _always_ locked his room.

_Just how drunk is he?_

I stepped in as quietly as I could just in case he had passed out on his bed. But as it turned out, waking him up should have been the least of my worries.

Rob was the first person I saw in his room. But he wasn’t alone. He was on his bed, kissing someone. Someone I knew all too well. My reaction was all too brisk-- a reaction that was prompted out of me right away as some kind of natural instinct. I couldn’t help myself. Never in my life have I ever thought of my own older brother-- the same guy who almost everyone in school looked up to-- would wind up doing something like this.

_“What the fuck?”_

My tone was sharp and loud, but not on purpose. The words were out of my lips before I could even think them through.

Rob immediately jerked away from Jevonne the second he heard my voice. The look on his face was unrecognizable. It was an expression I’ve never seen on him for a very long time.

There was shock, fear, and confusion all mixed into one.

“R-Richard. I can explain.” His voice was weak and shaky. It didn’t sound like him. His voice sounded _nothing_ like him.

He wasn’t the Rob I knew. His air of confidence was gone.

Jevonne said something but his words just flew over my head. He looked just as stunned as Rob was.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. So I did what I did best.

I ran away.

I ran out of the house as fast as my feet were capable of. I didn’t know why I was running or what I was running away from. All I knew was that I wanted to get away from them. From Rob. I didn’t understand my reaction and I didn’t want to understand. There was something boiling and churning deep inside me but I couldn’t figure out what it was.

Was I angry? Disappointed? I didn’t know.

“Dick!”

I heard Jevonne call out to me from behind but his voice only made me want to run faster. I didn’t want to deal with this. I wasn't ready to hear what they had to say.

But then I felt his hand grabbing my arm and turning me around.

Like always, my reaction was immediate.

“Don’t _touch_ me!” I snapped, ripping my arm away from his grip. I didn’t care how loud my voice was or if we woke up any of our neighbors.

I was upset.

Jevonne drew his hand back right away, hurt. And I realized what I just said. I wasn’t proud of it. Cold beads of sweat rolled down my neck as I stared at him. I was still trying to catch my breath while he looked like he didn’t even break into a sprint mere seconds ago. I wanted to cry. I really did. And that was just one of the things about myself that I didn’t understand.

Jevonne took a step back from me as though to give me a safe stretch of distance between us. That made me feel even worse for what I said.

“Dick…” He sighed, not meeting my eyes. “Please, _please_ don’t tell anyone about this.”

“Why?” I asked. “Why did you do it? What were you guys thinking? Is this your SQUIP’s doing? Did it tell you to--”

“My SQUIP isn’t here, Dick.” He said. “It’s the alcohol. That’s it. What you just saw meant nothing. I promise.”

“You’re drunk?”

“Yes. And so is Rob.”

That reason alone wasn’t good enough to convince me. Alcohol makes people brave enough to do the things they’ve always wanted but too scared to do-- or at least that’s what Michael told me. Jevonne suddenly winced hard and brought his hand up to his head. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again.

“Just come back home.” He said as if nothing happened. “I’m sure your brother wants to talk to you.”

“What’s he gonna tell me? That it was just an accident? That he just tripped and somehow found his tongue shoved down your throat?”

“Don’t make this difficult, kid.”

“ _You_ made this difficult!” I cried out. “This shouldn’t have happened! My brother isn’t supposed to be--” I stopped when I realized what I was about to say.

I could tell that Jevonne picked up on that, but he didn’t say anything. “I understand if you don’t see me the same way you used to anymore. But don’t do the same thing to Rob. It would _kill_ him, you know that. You’re all he has.”

That wasn’t true. He had Jevonne. But I knew better than to say that.

We walked back to our house in silence. When we got there, dad was still passed out on the couch. Completely unaware of everything that was happening around him. I followed Jevonne up to the stairs and back to Rob’s room. I didn’t step inside right away. I saw Rob sitting on his bed, his face buried in his hands. He wasn’t crying but he looked really dejected.

“Let me talk to him first.” Jevonne whispered to me.

I just nodded my head. He walked into the room and closed the door.

I waited in the hall. I still didn’t know what I was supposed to tell my brother. I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t like him just because of what I saw. That would have been hypocritical of me when I’ve also kissed a boy. _Twice_. But both of those times were different. I had a reason to kiss Michael and I never had any kind of need to do it again after that. But Rob? He was intoxicated. Beer made him brave. Beer made him do something he had been longing to do but never had the guts to go through with it.

I knew why I was upset. I just didn’t want to face it but standing here by myself, thinking everything through-- I already knew the main reason why I was so fucking upset.

All my life, I’ve always wanted to be like Rob.

He was and had everything I wanted. Life was good and easy to him. I had to live under his shadow. Day by day, I kept convincing myself that I didn’t care but that really wasn’t the case. In all honesty, I had hoped that maybe at one point, his character will rub off on me and I could grow up exactly like him: witty, charming, and could have any girl he wanted.

I had this precise image of him in my head and the very moment he pulled that image apart, he suddenly wasn’t the perfect person I wanted to be.

I wished mom was here. She would have known what to do. She would have handled this well.

I felt helpless.

I wasn’t ready to face him. Not yet.

So I walked away. I walked out of the house, took my bike, and left.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicide, schizophrenia 
> 
> some parts of this chapter are based on true events so please proceed with caution!

# FORTY-ONE

Michael was still awake when I got to his house. His bedroom was dimly lit by his computer screen. He answered his phone by the second ring.

_“Hey buddy, I’m surprised you’re still up.”_

“Can I come over?”

_“Why, what’s wrong?”_

I didn’t know how to answer that. “You’re not busy, are you?”

He was. All he ever talked about was this particular day where he would finally face the boss battle he had been training for in this video game he had been so obsessed about. I knew that I shouldn’t be bothering him on a day that was important to him but I had nowhere else to go. I could have gone back to Christine but she was already worried about her play. I didn’t want to add anything else to her plate.

 _“Nope, I’m free.”_ He lied. _“Just text me when you--”_

“I’m already outside.”

_“Really?”_

Then I saw him walk up to his window. He grinned at me and I shrugged my shoulders at him.

_“Are you the kind of boyfriend who sneaks around now?”_

I rolled my eyes. “Bite me.”

_“You wish.”_

That made me smile. I could always count on Michael to make me smile. He walked down and opened the front door for me. He brought his finger up to his lips in a silent gesture and I moved my hand as though I was zipping my lips up. He lead me up to his bedroom and when we got there, I was genuinely relieved to find that the place was still rather spotless.

He really had been keeping it clean.

I caught his favorite video game paused on his computer screen and I immediately felt bad for interrupting him. He didn’t seem that bothered by it but I had a feeling that it did.

“Sorry for coming here uninvited.” I said, dropping myself on his thankfully clean bed tiredly.

“It’s fine, dude.” He beamed at me as he lied down beside me. He didn’t bother to turn the light on, but I understood why. He wasn’t supposed to be up this late. “I’m actually happy you’re here. I didn’t think I’d be the first person you go to when you’re this upset about something.”

“How did you know I’m upset?”

“I know you better than you think, Dick.”

His answer threw me off-guard. The only person who I thought really knew me was my mom. She knew me better than Rob did. If she was still here, I wouldn’t have to bother Michael at all. Hell, I wouldn’t have ran out of the house in the first place.

But she wasn’t here anymore and that was a fact that I have still been struggling to accept for years. She was already gone even before she left us. I just refused to see it.

“Do you want some water?” Michael’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “You look tired.”

“I want to talk about my mom.” I said. I’ve never thought I’d hear myself say that. I was never given the chance or the permission to say that. I looked at him. “Can I talk about my mom?”

Michael looked at me with a gentle look on his face. I almost didn’t recognize him. But then he gave me a small smile and nodded his head. “If that’s what you want.”

I looked away from him and took my glasses off, settling them down on his bedside table. I didn’t say anything right away. I was probably stalling, or maybe I just didn’t know where to start. I’ve always wanted to talk about mom but I’ve never envisioned talking to _anyone_ about her aside from Rob. But he never liked that topic. I doubted he’d forgive me if I insist on bringing her up.

I fiddled with my fingers on my stomach.

“My mom was probably the only person who liked me.” I said. “Nobody in our old neighborhood liked me. But she did. Rob and dad like me but I sometimes feel like they just do because they’re obligated to-- because they have to take care of me. But I never got that kind of feeling from mom. She didn’t just like me because I was her son. She liked me because I was _me._ She never once made me think I didn’t know any better just because I was younger.

She didn’t patronize me like most adults do. Even though she worked hard as a doctor, she never had trouble finding time for me. She was my best friend. My only friend. I didn’t care that none of the kids liked me or that Rob started spending more time with his friends than with me. As long as I had her, I didn’t think life was shitty.”

“She seemed like a great person. I wish I could’ve met her.” Michael said and he sounded honest. I appreciated that.

“You would have liked her.” I said. “She was just as big of a geek as you are.”

I looked at him and he smiled at me. “Do you think she would have liked me?”

“You would have been her favorite.” I nodded, returning his smile with a small one. “She always knew what to do and that reassured me that she’ll always be there to help me when I needed her.”

Michael didn’t say anything but I could somehow tell what he wanted to ask me. I looked away from him again.

“She changed.” I answered his unasked question. “It started when dad stopped coming home on time. There were nights when he didn’t come home at all. I always tried to stay up with mom but I was never really successful on that. Sometimes, I would hear them fighting downstairs in the dead of the night. Then the following morning, I would see my mom in the kitchen-- pale and tired. Like she had been crying all night. But she still smiled at me. She always smiled at me even when things were going downhill for her. I guess she didn’t want me to worry or think that there was something wrong with our family.

And for a while, her plan worked. I decided to pretend their fights never woke me up or that mom had never been crying night after night. It was selfish of me, I realized that. I should have asked her why she had been crying or what they were fighting about. Maybe that would have changed things.

Then dad started drinking more than usual and their fights got worse. But one night was different. They were screaming at each other. Rob took me into his room and turned his stereo on to drown their voices out. Then we heard something crash. Rob wanted me to stay in his room, but I was worried. I wanted to know if mom was okay. So I followed him out. But when we got downstairs, we--”

I stopped. From the corner of my eye, I saw Michael adjusting his position so he could face me. He then reached out to squeeze my hand gently.

“Don’t force yourself.” He said softly.

I shook my head. “I’m fine.”

“Okay.” He nodded understandingly.

“When we got downstairs, we saw dad with his hands wrapped around mom’s neck. He was strangling her. _Killing_ her.” I bit the inside of my cheek at the thought of the image. “If it wasn’t for Rob, mom would have died right there. In dad’s hands. Then dad looked like he just woke up from what he just did. Mom was still gasping for air. We all cried that night-- even Rob who was never afraid of anything. Then dad promised us that he was going to change for the better. He’ll do it for us and for mom. But there was one thing about that night that I couldn’t stop thinking about.

It was the look in mom’s eyes. It was,” I hesitated. “different. She just stared at dad while he begged her to give him another chance. She was crying but she didn’t look sad. She looked _empty_. After that, dad did change for the better. He stopped drinking and started bringing in more money than he usual. He even became a respected pastor at our church. But mom changed too. She wasn’t the same after that night.

She stopped going to work. She would just walk around the house without anything in mind. Whenever I talked to her, it felt like she was looking right past me. She even stopped eating. There were days where her place at the dinner table was empty. But there were also days when she’d be back to her normal self and she would play with me. But then she would go back to the person she became the day after.

Then she just got worse. She started painting random words on our walls. She would stay on the front porch all night just in case of ‘intruders’. Then she started telling me how everyone was out to get her and that she needed to hide. At one point, she ran away and took me with her. I still have no idea where we went that time but I know we were hours away from home. I even woke up to a tall stranger carrying me out of the bus and calling out to her, telling her that she forgot me.”

“She left you in the bus?”

“Yeah. She forgot that she brought me along with her. Dad eventually found us and took us back home. He decided to get her some help but that really freaked her out. She started accusing him of trying to keep her away from me. One night when dad was away for work, mom woke me up and told me that he wanted to get rid of her. She said that if she couldn’t have me, then nobody will. Then the fire alarm went off. She had set our house on fire. She wouldn’t let me leave no matter how hard I cried or how much I begged her to let me out. She just squeezed me in her arms and told me that she was going to be with me forever.

Rob tried to break the door down but he couldn’t. The smoke was getting thicker and I really thought I was going to die that night. I think I eventually passed out because I woke up in the hospital. Dad and Rob were there. They told me that mom knocked me unconscious just so I would stop screaming and crying. That was really pathetic and helpless of me, huh?”

“You were just a kid.” Michael reassured me. “What else could you have done?”

“I could have tried to talk my mom out of it. But I didn’t. I wasn't thinking. Rob could have found a way out if he was in my shoes.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

“But it’s true.”

“Is that why you’re scared of fire?”

I hated admitting that. “Yeah. Mom became the talk of the neighborhood after that. She was ‘the crazy lady’ or ‘the arson witch’ to everyone. Dad got her some help and every weekend, we would pay her a visit at the hospital. It was hard seeing her there. She looked even more depressed than she already did, but she stopped talking nonsense. That should have been a good sign. Dad couldn’t handle seeing her like that either so he found a way to sign her release so she could come back home despite her doctor’s reasoning. We were staying at my aunt’s house at the time and that made mom feel safe.

For a while, she went back to being her normal self again. She had gone back to telling me stories of her younger years and helping me with my homework. She had even gone back to telling dad how much she loved him. Everything was finally going back to normal.

But then one night, she woke me up again. She didn’t look paranoid or scared like she always did whenever she’d wake me up in the middle of the night. She looked calm, but sad. She said something about how the voices were coming back to haunt her again but this time, she knew what she had to do. She promised me that she was going to be what a mother should be to her son-- that she will make things easier for everyone now and that I shouldn’t worry about her anymore. She kissed me and told me to go back to sleep.”

I pulled my hand away from Michael’s hold, feeling cold dread in the pit of my stomach. “The next morning, my aunt found mom lifeless in the bathroom. She overdosed on some kind of medication.”

The room grew quiet.

I knew Michael didn’t know what to say and I couldn’t blame him. Nobody could have thought of an appropriate response to everything I just said. I sighed and threw my arm over my eyes. I could feel Michael watching me but he still didn’t say anything.

“I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.” I said. “I just… want you to understand why I’m fucked up.”

“You’re not fucked up.” He said almost quietly.

“I am.”

“Well… fucked up or not, you’re still my friend.” He sounded so sure of himself. “And I’m sorry about your mom. I can’t imagine how that must have been like for you.”

“I feel a lot better now after finally talking about her.”

“You don’t talk about her with your brother?”

I shook my head. “Rob never forgave her for that fire incident. He kept his distance from her after that.”

“Can I be honest?”

“Were you ever _not_ honest?”

That made him chuckle and I felt him move closer to me. “I’m glad you told me all of that. I always felt like there’s something you’ve always wanted to say but couldn’t find the person to tell it to.”

I looked at him and for some reason, I didn’t find the close distance between us uncomfortable. His warmth and his presence made me feel safe-- almost as if I was at home. My old home where things weren’t as complicated. I moved on my spot so I could face him as well and I felt a smile tug the corners of my lips. It felt real on my face. I wasn’t smiling because I found something funny. I wasn’t smiling because I felt obligated to.

I was smiling because I realized how lucky I was. Mom didn’t have anyone to talk to, but I did.

I had Michael.

I wasn’t as alone as I thought I was.

“Thanks, Michael. For listening.”

“You listened to me rant for three hours straight about how Morrissey will never be like Robert Smith even if he tried. What are friends for, right?”

I laughed. “You’re never really gonna live that down, huh?”

“I just don’t buy Morrissey’s act! And I’m so happy that the legendary Robert Smith isn’t buying it either. Even he can see that dude just tries too hard!”

We laughed.

I could really count on Michael to make me laugh.


	42. Chapter 42

# FORTY-TWO

The atmosphere was submerged in heavy tensed silence, and I knew it was my fault. There weren’t any sounds aside from the silverware clanking against white porcelain plates. Micah was just playing with his food around. Their grandma had been staring at me ever since I sat down. I could see the silent argument in the look Mrs. Mell was giving Mr. Mell. This was the first time I met Mr. Mell and I couldn’t say that I made the best first impression. Every time I came over, he was either coming home late or was out on a business trip.

He had never seen me before until now.

And he probably wasn’t used to seeing his son being friends with anyone aside from Jeremy.

I looked up at Michael over the breakfast table and he just gave me a small smile of reassurance. That made me feel better. A little bit.

After I spilled everything to him last night, I didn’t realize that I ended up falling asleep right after. Michael didn’t bother to wake me up. And when I did wake up, I found Mrs. Mell peeking into the room just in time to wake Michael up for breakfast-- only she stood frozen by the door with a completely perplexed look on her face.

She never asked me what I was doing there and I wasn’t sure whether or not that was a good thing.

I avoided making any eye contact by focusing down at my own breakfast which was dried fish, scrambled eggs, and tomatoes. I’ve never had dried fish for breakfast before.

 _“Disculpa, ¿por qué está él aquí?”_ Mr. Mell then said something in what sounded like Spanish and I looked up to find that his words were directed at Michael. Michael met my eyes for a second before responding to his dad in the same language. Mrs. Mell then looked at me with a tiny gasp once Michael was done speaking. It didn’t have to take a genius to know that they were talking about me.

“Is he gonna live with us?” Micah piped in.

His grandma suddenly pinched his arm.

“Ow!” Micah frowned at her. “It was just a question.”

“ _Huwag kang bastos,_ _iho. Pinalaki kang maayos._ ” His grandma said in a scolding tone.

It felt weird listening to the entire family talk in two different languages at the same time.

I’ve met Michael’s grandma before. She was from his mother’s side and was always chatty. The only time I’ve heard her speak in English was when she asked me if I had a girlfriend and if I’m willing to help Michael find a girlfriend. She said that she wasn’t going to get a great grandkid out of Micah so she should might as well cross her fingers for Michael.

That gave me an idea as to why Michael couldn’t come out to his family yet.

“I’m sorry for coming over without a word.” I decided to finally speak up. I didn’t want Michael to get in trouble for something he had no control over. He was just being a good friend. “I’ll leave as soon as--”

“No no no, we don’t want that.” Mrs. Mell cut me off with an understanding smile. “You can stay here as long as you want, Dick. Please know that we’re here for you.”

Now I was really curious as to what Michael told them.

* * *

“Nothing.” Michael told me after putting one of his _Björk_ vinyl records to play. “I just told them you had a big fight with your brother. No big deal.”

Somehow, I wasn’t convinced by his tone. He was leaving something out and didn’t want to tell me. He was acting like most adults in my life like how dad never told me everything that my mom did was mentally beyond her control or how Rob never told me how he felt about boys. Michael was the last person I thought would keep something from me, but I also knew better than to show him suspicion when he had given me a place to stay when I had nowhere to go to.

I sat still on my own side of the couch, looking down at my watch every now and then.

I sent Rob a text message earlier just to let him know where I was. What happened last night was still bothering me, but I didn’t want him to worry about me right now. I knew he and Jevonne still had something to talk about.

I stared at Michael who settled down on the other side of the couch and he pulled the drawer of the side table open to grab his stash that was taped underneath it. He had offered me a joint earlier but I passed on it for now. I still had an anxious brother to go home to and I was going to need a clear mind if I was going to face him.

“So why _did_ you run away last night?” Michael broke the silence with a curious tone. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to but hey, it’s worth asking.”

I didn’t want to tell him. He’s a boy who also likes other boys. He probably wouldn’t appreciate my reaction to the whole situation.

“You were right-- I had a big fight with Rob. It’s stupid. Now I’m just thinking of the right words to say.” I said instead,

“Oh.” Michael lit his joint. “You guys will make up. Brothers always do. I’ve lost count of how many times Micah and I got into a big fight. You know what I always do? I make him snickerdoodles. The minute he could smell the scent of snickerdoodles in the kitchen, he’d forgive me right away.”

I watched him smile almost lovingly at the memory. Or maybe that was a weed smile. It was hard to differentiate one from the other.

“Really? That easy?” I asked.

“It doesn’t have to be complicated.”

“It always is with my family.”

“You can _un-complicate_ it.”

“By baking snickerdoodles?”

“Hell yeah!”

That made me laugh. Michael was making me laugh and lose sight of the troubled thoughts occupying my mind. I didn’t know if he was doing it on purpose or not, but I appreciated it.

“I dunno. It’s been a long time since I’ve tried baking anything. I haven’t baked anything since mom--” I stopped myself, hesitated, then shook my head. “I wish it was that easy, Michael. But what happened last night… I handled it poorly. I have no idea how to face Rob after that.”

Michael didn’t say anything right away. He was watching me and I stared back at him. He then offered me his joint. I shook my head. He shrugged.

“Rob knows you best, Dick.” He said. “I bet he already knows that you’re all hung up over what to say to him later.”

“You think?”

“Yeah.” Michael nodded. “Do you want me to go there with you?”

“No.” I picked on the loose thread hanging from the edge of my shirt. “I don’t wanna go there yet. Can I just stay here for a while?”

“Hey, you heard the old lady.” Michael was referring to his mom. His mom always seemed okay with being referred to like that. “You can stay here as long as you want. This should even might as well be your second home at this point. Maybe I can even teach you how to make snickerdoodles to pass the time.”

That made me smile. “Okay.”

After that, I waited for Michael to finish his joint then we headed out of their basement. I saw Micah in the living room with their grandma watching TV while Mrs. Mell was curled up on the window seat nearby, typing away on her laptop. She resembled a lot like Michael with her reading glasses on.

His father already went away for work much to my relief. It was hard to tell whether or not he liked me.

Michael never seemed close with him based on what I’ve seen so far.

“Come on.” Michael tugged my hand and lead me to their kitchen.

He taught me how to make snickerdoodles. I thought we were going to make a batch out of a store-bought package but it turned out he liked to bake things from scratch. I couldn’t remember whether or not Rob liked baked sweets but it was worth passing the time. Michael particularly liked them really soft and chewy so he was unbelievably-- and somewhat annoyingly-- precise on how we make them.

“Put some muscle into it, buddy.” He took the whisk from me and mixed the batter himself. “See? You do it like this. You can’t get lazy in the middle of baking cookies.”

“Sorry, Martha Stewart.”

“I’d like to think of myself more of a Paula Deen than a Martha.”

“Are you _sure_ your family doesn’t know you’re gay?”

It was odd how Michael generally liked to leave his things in complete chaos and yet he preferred to particularly keep the kitchen neat as a pin. When my mom used to cook in the kitchen, anybody would have thought a tsunami had washed over and left everything in disarray. But she was a good cook. She was tidy in everything else but the kitchen. She usually left that for dad to clean.

The air was eventually graced with the sweet aroma of cinnamon as we waited for the cookies to cool down after finally pulling them from the oven.

Michael was sitting on the counter when his phone buzzed in his pocket. I glanced back over my shoulder from where I was washing the baking tools that we used to see a smile lighting up his entire face.

I didn’t have to ask to know who just sent him a message.

Michael didn’t say anything about it.

“I’ll put a few of these snickerdoodles in a tupperware for you and Rob.” I could hear him rummaging through the cabinets. “He’s probably _really_ worried right now.”

I guess Jeremy was about to come over.

I finished my task and wiped my hands on my shirt before turning around just in time to find Michael already sliding several cookies down into the tupperware he got. He shut it closed with a lid and handed it to me.

“Thanks, man. Though I think this will just make things more awkward between us.”

He grinned almost teasingly. “Why, because you guys are _too manly_ to actually do anything sweet for each other?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Oh shut up.”

He laughed and clapped his hand rather carelessly hard onto my back. “Just tell him this is your peace offering! If he laughs, then you laugh. And the next thing you know, you two will just laugh together and share a warm brotherly moment.”

“Must be so common with you and Micah.”

“More common than you think.”

I shook my head and took that as a sign to leave. Michael seemed really eager to see Jeremy today. Maybe this was the day he decided to let him know how he felt about him? If that was the case, then I definitely didn’t want to be around when that happens.

Before I could take my leave though, Michael made me say my goodbye’s to his family first for the sake of being polite. Mrs. Mell and his grandmother kissed me on the cheek while Micah just merely nodded his head at me.

“Just come by anytime, Dick. We’re always here if you need us.” Mrs. Mell caressed the side of my face very gently when she said that. The touch felt almost too nostalgic and for a moment, I didn’t want to leave.

But I couldn’t dare to linger long. Especially when Jeremy was about to come over. So after that, I headed straight for my bike and rode away-- with the case of the freshly baked snickerdoodles carefully tucked inside the basket.

 _Michael’s a lucky kid,_ was the thought that stayed in my mind the entire time.

By the time I got home, the sun was already shedding its last remaining rays and painted the sky with a blend of orange and pink. It was my favorite time of the day, but I had this sudden odd feeling of dread inside me. It was unfamiliar. It wasn’t the kind of dread I usually have at school. Something just felt _off._

I picked up the cookies from the basket and set my bicycle aside. I noticed that Rob’s truck was still there even though it shouldn’t be. He wasn’t normally home around this hour.

I felt something heavy in the pit of my stomach.

I walked up to the door and twisted the doorknob to see that it was apparently unlocked. I didn’t know why I was afraid to see what was at the other side of the door when I have already gotten used to seeing my dad either passed out or watching TV on the couch. Just because I saw Rob’s truck outside didn’t mean that today should be any different.

I pushed the door open.

And I saw my dad hit my brother.


	43. Chapter 43

# FORTY-THREE

Do kids notice when they’ve disappointed their parents without having to be told that they have? Or do they get just far too lost in their own worlds that the mere thought of consequences never crossed their minds? 

Mom told me once how I was so perpetually curious when I was around four or five. I used to always greet strangers who would pass by, or sometimes I would walk up to someone and just ask them whatever I was fascinated about. Looking at myself now, it was almost hard to believe that I was that kind of kid. There was a part of me that wished I was still like that-- interested and enthusiastic about all the things life could offer.

But another part of me was also glad that side of me finally died.

I didn’t need it. It was what disappointed her.

I could still remember how she tried to look as though she understood me, but she really didn’t. It was just a simple question. 

A question I asked my teacher when I was seven.

_ “Why can’t boys marry boys and girls marry girls?” _

It was a question prompted out of me when I saw two guys holding hands outside the other day.

They had mom come over and she had a talk with my teacher and the school principal. I didn’t understand what I said wrong at the time and I thought that I was in trouble. After that, mom took me home and we settled on our front porch like we always did everytime we wanted to talk about our day.

She told me that she understood why I was curious; she understood why I somehow believed that people should marry whoever they wanted and that she still loved me regardless who I would want to marry in the future.

But there was a different look on her face.

She was smiling at me, but there was concern, disappointment, and something else in her eyes.

And for the first time, I realized that my brash curiosity triggered a burden that she hoped she never had to deal with.

After that, I just stopped being fascinated with everything I could set my eyes on.


	44. Chapter 44

# FORTY-FOUR

I didn’t know how it happened or why it happened but I found myself frozen at the doorway. The cookies were still in my hands. And dad was still hitting Rob on the head over and over again. Rob wasn’t even doing anything-- he just let our own dad hit him like he deserved it. It didn’t matter that he took dad’s responsibility as the adult in the house. It didn’t matter that he took care of everything even though he should be focusing on his last year in high school.

None of that seemed to matter to dad at all by the way he was hitting him.

I was scared. I wanted to move but fear sat heavily in my chest, rendering me frozen. I was far too used to coming home to an almost lifeless household with no one to greet but the television in my room.

Everything was happening so fast.

“Think of your mother!” Dad bellowed, shoving Rob to the corner of the living room before shaking him by the shoulders like a ragdoll. “Think of how she would have felt about this!”

“Dad, stop it!” I heard myself screaming back and I felt hot tears spilling down my face. I still couldn’t move from my spot but I knew that I really wanted this to stop. My words only flew over dad’s head as he hit Rob one last time before taking a weak but indignant step back. Rob didn’t say anything, but his shoulders were trembling and he slid down the wall and lowered his head.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…” His mumbles were choked up, his hands clutching tightly onto his own hair.

He looked worse than when I saw him last night. He wasn’t just vulnerable; he was humiliated and in complete distraught. He just broke down. It almost felt like he had been holding it back longer than he should and now that his walls cracked, he was reduced to shame and defeat.

But I didn’t want him to feel like that.

I finally moved. I rushed to him, letting the cookies slip through my fingers. I wanted to go to him. Hug him. Cry with him. I wanted to do anything to give him that very same support he gave me every time I needed it.

But I wasn’t able to reach him. Dad took my wrist in his hand and held me back. His hand felt cold and clammy against my skin. It wasn’t comfortable.

“Please, not now, Richard. Your brother has a lot to think about.” He told me. I looked up at him and saw the face of sheer guilt and disappointment. It was close to the look mom gave me when she told me that she would still love me regardless who I liked. He ran his hand over his face before his sobs racked his body. He let go of me and dropped himself down onto the couch, burying his face in his hands. I’ve never seen dad express so much emotion before. My own tears have already stopped falling but it didn’t stop the depth of the suffocating pain in my lungs.

I hated seeing him cry. I hated seeing Rob cry.

We were a mess.

“This is my fault.” Dad looked up from his hands and stared at Rob. “I haven’t been a good father to you two. You’ve already lost your mother. I shouldn’t have made you feel like you’ve lost your father too.”

“I really am sorry, dad.” Rob finally looked up. His tears stained his reddened face and his bloodshot eyes were almost unrecognizable. I still wanted to go to him but I was afraid of going against what dad just said. Rob then looked at me and immediately wiped his tears with the neckline of his shirt. “I’m going to try and get better. I want to get better.” He said but it sounded like he was convincing himself more than he was convincing us.

 _You’re already the best,_ was what I wanted to say but I doubted I had a say in this house.

“Thank you.” Dad sighed. He got up from the couch and reached his arms out to us.

He wanted a hug. I couldn’t remember the last time I hugged him.

I walked to his arms anyway and buried my face on his shirt. I felt Rob accept his embrace too and the three of us just stood there in silence.

I still didn’t understand what just happened.

I turned my head to the side and found that the snickerdoodles have been spilled and forgotten on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay!! I have been so super busy with work. But we're close to the ending so thank you for sticking around!
> 
> Also, another commission for this fic finally arrived! [Check it out because it's so beautiful!!](https://goranski.tumblr.com/post/171515862349/now-come-on-take-a-good-look-at-my-face-and)


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note! I changed the kids' ages to a year older! My research apparently failed me and I wrote their ages wrong. Special shoutout to nishichipsahoya for correcting me and being a very reliable source! (Clearly, I'm not from America so you guys might see a lot of mistakes here and there lol)

# FORTY-FIVE

One of our neighbors apparently called the cops on us. I couldn’t blame them. It was nice to know that they were at least still somewhat concerned over our well-being. 

Dad tried to talk it out with the cop. I just watched him do so from the window. Cops made me nervous. I didn’t have anything illegal to hide but just the mere sight of them always made me feel like I was. Rob had gone straight to his room without a word to anyone. I still wanted to talk to him, but I figured right now wasn’t the best time to do that. 

I watched the cops drive away. Dad picked up the scattered snickerdoodles by the door and threw them into the trash.

What a waste.

“Where’s your brother?” He asked me, his voice hoarse from all the screaming he had done earlier.

“Upstairs.” I stepped away from the window. “You’re not in trouble, are you?”

That made him smile-- a genuine smile. Like my question meant a lot to him. 

“I’m not, son. That police officer is a family friend of ours.”

“Oh.”

“C’mere.” He sat down on the couch with a tired sigh before patting on the empty space beside him. “There’s something we need to talk about.”

I didn’t like the sound of that but after seeing what happened earlier, I knew better than to tick him off again. Dad was in a good mood and that was a rarity in this house. I nodded and walked over to the couch to plop down beside him. He patted my shoulder then gently ruffled my hair as if he had been doing that for the past few years. Except that he didn’t. And the gesture made me a bit uncomfortable. 

He still smelled bad. Hopefully he’ll change that too.

“Dick,” he started and I looked up at him. He looked worried. “remember that conversation we had about you not wanting a girlfriend?”

I remembered that happening during New Year’s Eve. “I said I don’t care for it.”

“But,” he hesitated. It almost felt like he was doing it on purpose. “you  _ do  _ want to have a girlfriend eventually, right?”

“I… I don’t know.” I shrugged. That wasn't something I'd usually think about. I did want to have a pretty girl smiling at me the way Chloe smiled at Jake but I’ve only thought of that once. That kind of thought disappeared the minute I met Christine. I felt like I didn’t need that kind of validation anymore.

Dad sighed. “Please give me a clear answer, Dick.”

I looked away from him and thought about it. I tried to imagine what it would be like for me to have a girlfriend. We’d watch our favorite movies together, hold hands in public, and then what?

Kiss?

_ Sex? _

Now I was curious.

“I really haven’t thought about it that much, dad.” I told him honestly. “But now that we’re talking about it, I guess it would be nice to have a girlfriend eventually.”

“That’s good to know.” Dad sounded relieved. “Who are you thinking of? That girl who comes over every weekend? Chang-Chang?”

“Christine.”

“Have you ever thought of asking her out?”

“W-What?” My face suddenly felt uncomfortably warm. First Rob, then Michael, and now dad? Why was  everyone pushing me to Christine? Can’t we be friends without anyone making a big deal out of it? 

Dad looked amused though. “You like her, don’t you?”

“I like her. But not like… I mean I haven’t even… I don’t think…” It was getting warmer from where I was sitting. I knew I liked Christine. She was one of the only people who was actually nice to me without expecting anything in return. But did I like her in a way everyone thought I did? I didn’t even know. I wasn’t sure. I had no idea what it was like to like someone in a romantic sense, but I knew for a fact that Christine made me happy and she always made sure to let me know that I was doing the same for her.

“And about that Michael kid…” Dad’s voice cut off my stuttering. “Is he your friend?”

“Yeah.”

“Just a friend, right?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“He’s just giving off a vibe.”

“What kind of vibe?”

“The kind of vibe I wouldn’t like having around the house.”

“Why? He came over to take care of me. How is that a bad vibe?”

“I wasn’t talking about that.”

I then realized what he was referring to. I decided to keep quiet. I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t my secret to confirm. But what he said did give me an idea as to what made him so angry at Rob. I had no idea how he found out but I supposed that didn’t matter anymore.

“Son, your brother and I are willing to make some changes around here.” Dad lightly squeezed my shoulder. “And I was thinking that maybe you should too. Starting by not spending too much time with that friend of yours.”

I didn’t like the sound of that and immediately drew away from him. “You don’t like Michael?”

“It’s not that I don’t like him. I just don’t like the way he talked about you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I overheard him talking to Rob about you and it didn’t make me comfortable.”

“What did he say, dad?” I may have sounded impatient but I really wanted him to get to the point.

Dad didn’t seem to have picked up on my tone. “You don’t need to know. I’m your dad. I know what’s best for you. I just don’t want you to be influenced by the kind of person he is.”

“You don’t even know him that well.”

“I’ve observed him enough to know he’s not a good kid.” His tone was getting tight and stern. I was clearly starting to push his patience off the edge. “Just do this for me, Dick. Please.”

I still had no idea what he was talking about. I couldn’t imagine Michael saying anything about me that would have rubbed dad the wrong way. He just didn’t seem like that kind of person. But then again, this was the first time I’ve had an actual conversation with dad after a long time so maybe I didn’t know him as well as I used to. 

“Okay.” I conceded. “I won’t hang out with him anymore.”

He smiled and ruffled my hair. “That’s a good kid.”

_ Good kid. _

He really missed out on a lot of things in my life. If he didn’t, he would know by now that I normally didn’t like being told what to do.

Dad then decided to take a shower and told me that he wanted to make dinner tonight so we could have another family dinner together. He seemed really determined to keep his word about changing for the better. I let him be and climbed upstairs to check up on Rob. I knew I still needed to talk to him and I figured I’ve given him enough time and space. 

When I neared his room, I pressed my ear against his door and tried to check if he was still crying.

I couldn’t hear anything.

I knocked.

He didn’t answer.

I twisted the doorknob and pushed the door open. I found Rob rummaging through his closet, an empty dark blue suitcase laid out open on the floor. He must have heard me come in because he immediately whipped around with wide eyes as if he was just caught being responsible for something illegal. He looked just as spooked as the horror movie posters plastered on the walls. 

But when he realized it was just me, his tensed shoulders eased down and he turned back to his closet.

“Close the door, Dick. And lock it for me.”

He didn’t sound sad anymore. If anything, he sounded like he was on an urgent mission.

I stepped in and closed the door behind me before locking it.

“What are you doing?” I watched him toss a few clothes into his suitcase. 

“I’m leaving.”

That gave a heavy jolt in my chest. I knew that he will have to leave eventually, but I didn’t think it would be this soon. 

“Are you serious?” I walked up to him and held his arm so he could stop looking for more clothes. “You’re gonna leave  _ right now? _ ”

“I can’t stand him.” Rob wouldn’t look at me. He  _ couldn’t  _ look at me. Maybe it was guilt, or maybe it was because he was still ashamed of what I witnessed. Either way, I didn’t care about that. I didn’t want him to leave.

“B-But… I thought you said you want to get better.”

His entire frame visibly tensed at what I said. Then he finally looked at me.

And he looked really sad and conflicted. I immediately felt bad.

“I’m really sorry, Dick-- for everything that’s happened. I know I ended up not being the older brother that you wanted but… I talked to Jevonne and…” he trailed off, shook his head, and pulled his arm away from my grip so he could resume packing his things. 

I watched him. “Are you leaving with Jevonne?”

He paused for a second before nodding his head. “Yeah.”

“What about school?”

“All we’ve been doing now is practice for our graduation. I’ll just show up on our graduation day.” 

I swallowed thickly. “What about me?” I sounded selfish and I realized that now the moment those words left my lips. I immediately hated myself for asking that. I didn’t want Rob to feel obligated to take care of me. I didn’t want him to think I was incompetent without him. But at the same time, I wasn’t ready for him to leave and I wasn’t ready to be alone in this house.

With dad.

He looked at me again. He opened his mouth, then closed it. He looked away.

“Do you hate me?” He asked.

“You annoy me, but I don’t hate you.”

That elicited a chuckle from him, but it was lackluster. “Even if I...”

“like boys?”

That earned me his glance and he nodded. “Yeah…”

“But you can change that. If there’s a way, then that means you don’t have to run away, right?”

“It’s not that easy.”

“But you can try.”

“What if I don’t want to change, Dick?” His voice got louder and that caught me off-guard. “Do you think dad will still keep me around if I don’t want to change?”

“Why wouldn’t you want to change? Dad’s willing to change. Why can’t you?” 

“Never mind.” Now he sounded frustrated as he walked over to his desk to grab a few of his things. “You wouldn't get it. You're just a kid. You’re too young to understand.”

“I’m not!” I could feel myself getting as frustrated as he was. “I’m not  _ too young  _ to understand, Rob! You of all people should know that!”

“Quiet down--”

“No!” I snapped. “Just tell me why you don’t want to change! I don’t want you to leave me without any answers! You can’t do that! You can’t do what mom did!”

“I’m not like her--”

“Just tell me, Rob!”

“Lower your voice--”

“Tell me!”

“I like Jevonne, all right?!” He snapped back.

Then I clamped my mouth shut. 

That wasn’t the answer I was expecting. I didn’t even know what kind of answer I was really expecting. Rob ran his fingers through his hair and sat down on his bed with a heavy sigh. I gazed at the door for a second, thinking that dad may have overheard us and was about to barge in any minute. But when he didn’t, I looked back at Rob and saw that he couldn’t look at me again.

We were both quiet for a while. 

How did I not see him liking Jevonne? How did that fly over my head? 

Looking back, I realized how obviously fond Jevonne was of Rob but Rob was harder to read.

For how long had he kept this bottled up inside him?

Even if I wanted Rob to change just so he didn’t have to leave, I knew there was no way I could convince him. Whenever my brother had his mind set on something, it was impossible to convince him to stray from it. 

I didn’t want him to leave with a bitter memory of me.

I walked over to him and sat down beside him. 

And we stayed quiet.

“I’m sorry.” I finally said. “I shouldn’t have pushed you into a corner.”

“No, I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have treated you like a kid because you’re not anymore.”

“I can still be a kid if you want me to be.”

He gave me a small smile. “Growing up sucks, huh?”

I returned his smile. “Yeah. I hate it. It just makes me realize how short I am.”

That made him chuckle and he gently ruffled my hair. Unlike dad, the way he did it made me feel at ease. I didn’t swat his hand away this time. 

“I’m not leaving you, Dick.” He said. “Maybe I’ll be gone for a while, but that doesn’t mean I’m leaving you. I’m not gonna leave you with that bastard.” That was the first time he cussed dad. He had always been nonchalant about him, but it turned out he had been holding back all this time. 

“You mean you’re gonna come back for me?”

“Of course I am. I just can’t do it right now.” He turned to fully face me, taking my hand into his. “But I’m gonna work hard. When the time's right, I’ll come back for you and we can get our own place. We don’t have to worry about dad or how depressing our home is. We can have a fresh new start. All we have to do is be patient. Can you do that?”

Away from this gloomy house? Away from that toxic school? Away from  _ dad? _

I couldn’t see anything wrong with that.

“How long will that take?” I asked, hopeful.

Rob smiled at me. “Can you put up with him for three years?”

That sounded like a long time, I thought. But it was better than nothing.

“I think I can manage.”

Rob grinned. “That’s a good kid.”

After that, I left him to continue packing his things. Knowing him, he was definitely going to bring everything with him just so he didn’t have to come back to get his other stuff. He won’t leave a trace of his presence in this house and I didn’t like that. So as fast as I could, I grabbed whatever I could get my hands on without his notice.

I ended up stealing his Jason mask.

* * *

Rob decided to leave when dad was asleep. He still had dinner with us and he did an impeccable job acting normal. Dad was pleased and upbeat for the first time in a long time. I didn’t say much over the dinner table though, but that wasn’t new to them. I just watched my family pretend as if everything was okay even though it wasn’t.

Later in the dead of the night, I peeked out of my bedroom window to see Jevonne’s car pulling up in front of our house. Rob loaded his things into the trunk. Before he jumped into the vehicle, he looked up and caught me watching them. 

He smiled at me and waved.

I wanted to go with him but that would have made things hard for him.

I did my best not to cry as I waved back.

And just like that, he was gone.

I was left alone, but I refused to cry over it. Rob promised that he was going to come back for me. I'll just have to count on that.

I was about to walk back to my bed when my eyes caught my phone lying on my desk and I realized I haven’t checked it all day. I picked it up and found 8 new messages.

That was a first.

I opened the most recent one.

It was from Christine.

**“nvm”**

That didn’t make sense. I checked her very first message.

**“hey! where r u?? u better not forget about my play!!! ;D it starts @ 5:00!”**

Ah, shit.


	46. Chapter 46

# FORTY-SIX

Rob left his bedroom door locked so when dad asked me where he was the next morning, I managed to convince him that he was out on a senior high school field trip.

“Where?”

“I dunno, dad. You’re the one who signed the permission slip.”

“I must have been completely wasted.”

“Probably.”

At least that saved me some time from having to explain why Rob was gone and why he left his truck here. Dad left early to look for a job. I stayed in my bedroom and called Christine’s number. I barely got any sleep last night, thinking of what I should tell her. She had been looking forward to her play for months now and never failed to remind me about it whenever she got the chance. I didn’t understand how that slipped from my mind but I could feel the guilt gnawing at my chest. 

Fortunately, she answered after the sixth ring.

_ “Dick!”  _ I was surprised by the sound of relief in her voice.  _ “Where were you last night? I was so worried something might have happened to you!” _

I scratched my head. “Yeah, sorry about that. Something came up.”

_ “That’s it?” _

“Yeah. Sorry for missing your play.”

_ “What happened?” _

I hesitated. She was well-aware that my life at home was depressing enough as it was. I didn’t want her to know that it got even worse than that. The last thing I needed was for her to see me as some kid who needed to be pitied. Besides, I knew she was going to ask  _ too many  _ questions like she always did. She had always been a prying type of person.

And how was I going to explain to her what happened between Rob and dad?

“It’s a long story.” I decided to say.

_ “I have all day.”  _ She didn’t sound pleased.

“It’s hard to explain.”

_ “Is it? Or you just don’t want to tell me like you always do?” _

I frowned. “I’m apologizing, aren’t I?”

_ “I want an explanation too. You missed the most important night of my life and you couldn’t even tell me why. Didn’t we promise that we’d tell each other everything?” _

“We promised to always say our feelings, not what’s going on with our lives.”

_ “Friends tell each other everything. If you can’t tell me, then maybe you don’t see me as your friend at all.” _

“You’re trying to trick me into telling you.”

_ “I’m not. I just want to know what you see me as.” _

“As a friend.”

_ “You sure suck at treating me like one.”  _ Now she sounded mad.  _ “I always tell you everything about my life and yet you sit there and--” _

“It’s not like I ever ask you about your life.”

_ “--act like you’re above sharing anything! What, am I not worthy enough to know what’s going on with you? If I really am your friend--” _

“You’re blowing this out of proportion.”

_ “--then you would have at least thought of sending me a message that you wouldn’t be able to make it last night! I looked like an idiot always peeking through the curtain just to see if you and Rob were on your seats which I got out of my way to reserve for you!” _

“I already said I was sorry.”

_ “Apologizing over the phone isn’t going to cut it! Why are you even being so aloof about this? Don’t you have any idea how much that play meant to me?” _

“I know it meant a lot to you. That’s why I’m calling you to say sorry.”

_ “Sure, because coming over to apologize to me personally would have been so inconvenient for you. That’s not what a real friend would have done! A real friend would have immediately--” _

“For fuck’s sake, Christine! It’s just a play! Get over yourself!”

_ Silence. _

And then I realized what I just said.

I ran my hand over my face and let out a soft frustrated groan. I felt a terrible sinking sensation in my stomach as I repeated those words in my head.  _ What the fuck is up with me lately?  _

“Christine,” I tried to salvage the moment. “I-I didn’t mean--”

_ “No.”  _ She cut me off, her voice shaky and it burned a hole through my chest.  _ “I’m done putting up with you.” _

She hung up.

I stared down at my phone, her last words ringing in my head.

I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate myself even more.


	47. Chapter 47

# FORTY-SEVEN

Christine eventually blocked my number when I tried to call her for the nth time today. I guess that was likely to happen sooner or later. Why the hell did I say that? She had every right to be pissed at me. I shouldn’t have matched that when I was the one clearly at fault here. 

I’ve hurt her. That much was obvious.

That play meant so much to her and I made her feel bad about it.

I really sucked at being her friend.

I always messed everything up. I never knew the right words to say. Maybe if I had a SQUIP--

My thoughts came to an abrupt halt. Then I immediately pulled out the shoebox from under my bed before pulling the lid open to see the pill still lying inside. What would have happened if I took it sooner? Would have I been able to convince Rob to stay? Would I have said the right words to Christine? If I had its tiny computer already implanted in my brain, then maybe I would have never found myself in this fucked up mess that I’ve created.

But what about Jevonne? Did his SQUIP convince him to elope with Rob? Did it think that was the right thing to do?

Maybe it was.

I suddenly heard the front door creaking open downstairs and I quickly closed the shoebox before sliding it back under the bed. I walked downstairs just in time to find dad loosening his tie and mumbling something to himself. But when he saw me, he gave me a smile that looked like it was stretched with utmost effort.

I stood at the bottom of the stairs. “How was the job hunt?”

“Good.” He said. “I’ll be working as a customer service representative. Training starts next week.”

“That’s good news.”

“It is. When’s your brother coming home?”

“I’m not sure. It’s a senior trip. They have a lot of places to go to.”

“Makes sense.” He tossed his tie on the coffee table and sat down on the couch. “How was your day?”

“Below average.”

“Grab me a can of beer, will ya? I’m drained.”

I walked to the kitchen to get a can of beer from the fridge, but then I realized how empty the fridge was aside from three cans of beer, five eggs, and two bottles of water. Today was supposed to be the day Rob would go out to buy groceries. He always made sure our fridge was filled with different shades of lively colors from clean vegetables to fresh meat. But now that he wasn’t around anymore, did that mean that will be dad’s responsibility from now on? Or mine? That was another question for another day. I handed dad his drink and he thanked me with a smile.

I sat down beside him and I was glad to notice that he didn’t reek anymore.

“I missed Christine’s play last night.”

“Really? Did she get mad?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you apologize?”

“I tried. But I messed it up.”

“So she’s not talking to you?”

“Yeah.”

“Just give her some time. She’ll get over it.”

“I doubt that.”

“Well, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

I frowned. “I’m not friends with her just because I want her to be my girlfriend, dad.”

“What time is it, kid?”

The clock was literally hanging above our television in front of us. “Quarter to six.”

“Oh shit, my show’s about to start.” He reached for the remote control and turned the television on. Right away, I stopped existing to him. That was the end of our conversation. It looked he had no intention on making dinner-- probably thought he already did his fatherly obligation for the day by getting a job. I shook my head and decided to leave him alone. There was no point in talking to him. I wasn’t like Rob. I couldn’t keep a conversation going even if I tried.

Without my brother around, the house was quieter than it already was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few more chapters before we get to the end! This has been a rocky journey for Dick. ^^ Thank you so much for your comments and kudos!! <3
> 
> I've also finally created [my own account on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/addarrna/) so you can have easier access to the artworks of this fic! Thank you!!


	48. Chapter 48

# FORTY-EIGHT

_THINGS I CAN’T SAY OUT LOUD:_

_I hate dad for driving Rob out of the house while still thinking he’s becoming a better person. He’s not. He’s just become an even bigger asshole. Except now he only does it with a smile._

_I hate mom for thinking she’s doing what she thinks is best for everyone by leaving us. Didn’t she ever stop to think how I would handle it? She was the only one I had. Why couldn’t she work harder to get better? Why did she give up on herself so easily?_

_I hate Rob for leaving me here alone. He’s my brother. Why would he leave me? What if dad uses me as a scapegoat and hits me? What if my mind goes bad again and my own brother won’t be there to calm me down? Did Rob forget about that? Why did he prioritize his feelings for Jevonne over me? Was I just a second thought to him?_

_I hate Christine for not understanding why I can’t just easily tell her everything. I hate that she wouldn’t listen to me or talk to me anymore. I gave her a second chance when she pretended to not know me while I was getting picked on. Why couldn’t she do the same for me?_

_I hate Michael for being so determined to tell Jeremy how he feels. It’s almost like nothing scares him at this point. And what will happen if Jeremy eventually returns those feelings? Does that mean Michael will spend even more time with him and less time with me?_

_I honestly wish I could just stop hating everything and everyone._

_I know they’re not the problem._

_I am._

_If I wasn’t, they wouldn’t have left me in the first place._

_There’s something wrong with me and whatever it is, I need to get rid of it._

_I don’t want to be alone again._


	49. Chapter 49

# FORTY-NINE

“I’m so sorry but Christine isn’t home right now.” Mrs. Canigula told me with an apologetic smile. She didn’t look offended that I missed her daughter’s play, but I wished that she was. I was counting on a cold attitude from her but I guess that just didn’t sound like an adult thing to do to a fifteen-year-old kid.

“Oh, okay. Thank you anyway--” I was about to leave when I heard a familiar bark coming from inside the house. Then I caught sight of Christine holding Courage back by his collar, shushing him and trying to pull him back to where they were hiding behind the wall. It was clear that I already caught on her lie and yet she still wouldn’t look at me. I diverted my eyes back at Mrs. Canigula who only cleared her throat and pretended as if that just didn’t happen.

I gazed back at Christine again only to see that she was back to hiding and peeking from their hiding spot.

“Is that her twin sister then?” I asked Mrs. Canigula, gesturing to her daughter with a tilt of my head.

Mrs. Canigula immediately looked back over her shoulder and Christine drew away from our sight right away. If they really intended on keeping up with this lie, then that was just going to be ridiculous.

“E-Erm yes, that’s her twin sister. She’s been missing for years and she made her return just last night.” Mrs. Canigula explained with her smile still intact.

Huh. Like mother, like daughter.

“Okay, I guess.” I sighed and scratched my head. I knew insisting her to let me in will be pointless. Of course she would respect her own daughter’s request. “Thanks anyway, Mrs. Canigula.”

I was just about to turn and leave when Mrs. Canigula’s voice halted me from doing so.

“Dick, sweetie.”

I turned to face her and much to my surprise, there was a look of conflict painted on her features. Like there was something else she really wanted to tell me and that locked my attention on her. But then her entire frame eased down and I knew right then and there that she had changed her mind.

“Just… give her some time.” was all she said.

I tried not to let my disappointment show. “All right, I understand.”

I grabbed my bike and just rode away. I didn’t want to look more like an idiot just standing there and waiting for Christine to come around. When her mom told me to give her some time, I couldn’t help but not put enough trust in her words. I couldn’t find a single logical reason as to why Christine would forgive me for what I said. Not only was my tone unnecessarily sharp, but my words belittled the one thing that meant so much to her.

I didn’t know how else I could show to her how much I wanted to take that back.

It’s not like I was that big of a loss to her anyway. She probably wouldn’t even notice any differences in her life once we stopped seeing each other.

I couldn’t say the same thing for me though.

I skidded my bike to a halt when I reached our house and I found the garage open for the neighborhood to see. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’ve seen our garage in broad daylight. I found dad tinkering with whatever it was he was tinkering with under the hood of his car. Mr. and Mrs. Donovan, the old couple that lived just in front of us, were watching him from their lawn-- probably astounded to see that dad was still alive and well-- to some extent.

“What are you doing?” I walked over to dad after setting my bicycle aside.

“Fixing my boy Blue here.” Blue was the name he had given his own car. I never understood the appeal of giving names to non-living things but dad always said that if you give anything a name, any sane person would naturally feel even the smallest attachment to them. “I thought I should give him a bit of a spin later. I missed this old man.”

“It’s a car, dad. Not an old friend.’

“He _feels_ like an old friend.” He grunted a bit as he twisted something hard in the mechanics of the vehicle. When he was satisfied, he straightened up and wiped his hands on his shirt before flashing me a proud grin. “Why don’t you spend some time with your dad, hm? I can teach you how to change a tire.”

“Do I really need to know how to change a tire when I don’t even have a car myself?”

“You’ll get one when you’re older.

“Are you going to buy me one?”

“No. But you’re gonna work hard for one.”

“Pass.”

“Yeesh, you still lack ambition, huh?”

“It runs in the family. Besides, I’ve got homework to do.” I didn’t really have homework to do. As much as I liked the fact that dad was finally going out of his way to be better, I just realized how this new side of his was intolerable to be around with. I knew that didn’t sound fair because at least he was trying, but I wasn’t a big fan of him pretending as though he didn’t hit Rob the other day.

“Oh yeah, how are your grades going?” Dad redirected his attention back on Blue. “Still good?”

I felt my phone vibrate twice in my pocket. “Uh, yeah. They’re okay.” I fished my phone out and found a new message from Michael. I looked back at dad. “Good luck with that, then. I’ll just be up in my room.”

“Make good decisions.” Dad said in a weird singsong voice.

He was really doing his best to be the kind of person he used to be, but it was coming off unnatural and off-putting.

I left him to his tinkering and headed up to my room.

I found the hardbound notebook Christine got for me lying on my bed. Shit, I should’ve hidden that somewhere. Dad was up and walking around now. The last thing I needed was for him to find out what I’ve been thinking. I grabbed the notebook and stuffed it under my mattress as far as it could go.

That should do the trick.

I sat down and checked Michael’s message.

**“did u get 2 see christines play? i couldnt find u there dude”**

I sighed and lied down on my bed, my thumbs already keying in my response.

**“no i missed it.”**

**“yikes, u missed out man. she was the crowds fave. thats how adorable she was.”**

Great, as if I didn’t feel bad enough as I already did. The conversation was just testing my temper again so I willed myself not to reply. But before I could lock my phone, it vibrated again and Michael’s name flashed on the screen.

**“was christine pissed u didnt get 2 go?”**

**“yeah. she won’t even talk to me. it’s my fault. i snapped at her.”**

**“whoa. work on that temper. just give her some space. shell come around.”**

_The same fucking advice._ It was a logical one, but I felt like the more I give her time, the more I’m running out of it just by standing around. Back then, I wouldn’t have minded if she just stopped coming over. Wasn’t that what I sorta wanted then? But now the mere thought of never getting at least a text from her scared me. She managed to pretend that I didn’t exist at school once. She could very well do that again but for good this time.

It’ll be like she never approached me at our front porch that day.

I’ve already lost Rob. I couldn’t afford to lose her too.

I studied my text conversation with Michael, and an idea sprung up in my mind.

I had no idea if she was going to appreciate this or not but it was worth the shot.

I sent Michael my reply:

**“are you free right now?”**

* * *

When I walked down to their basement, I found Michael sprawled on the couch with a pair of headset on and his entire attention on the video game he seemed to be so genuinely invested in. He must have already forgotten that he agreed to let me come over. He was wearing a pair of old jeans and the hoodie Jeremy bought for him. Except, there was something different.

He had the patches I gave him sewn on his hoodie-- saved for the pride flag one.

Everything was there from the vinyl player patch to the _Björk_ one.

I stepped down the stairs and he must have seen me from the corner of his sight because he was quick to look at me. He grinned, paused his game, and tossed his headset to the side.

“Fancy seeing you here.” He said as he sat up and scooted over to give me some space.

“I didn’t think you’d actually use those patches.” I sat down beside him, eyeing his hoodie behind my thick frames.

Michael looked proud and stretched his hoodie out to show off, though it probably wasn’t a good idea to stretch your clothes like that. But of course he didn’t care about that. He gave me a sly grin and a wink. “Pretty cool, yeah? Micah was really jealous.”

I found myself smiling a bit, glad that he was fond of my present. I didn’t think he’d like it that much. “They look great. Really says a lot about you.”

“You know my taste so well.” Michael wiggled his shoulders teasingly at me.

“Did Jeremy ask you where you got those patches from?”

“I told him I got them from my boyfriend and his eyes went out like saucers, man. You should have seen the look on his face!” He laughed, slapping his leg.

His laugh was always infectious so I naturally laughed with him. “He believed you?”

“No doubt, no doubt. But then I just told him I bought them online.” Michael shrugged and looked away, his fingers rubbing the edge of his sleeve as he bounced his knee.

I didn’t understand why he seemed fussy all of a sudden but it was weird. “Oh, okay.”

Then after that, silence just loomed over us. It felt odd and unfamiliar for some reason. It wasn’t the usual comfortable silence we wouldn’t have minded having. It felt tense. There was something off about Michael but I couldn’t figure out what that could be. I glanced over at his paused game then back at him. He was still a bit fidgety, though his eyes were directed down at his gaming console.

Maybe he wanted to continue his game but felt like that would have been rude to do when he had a guest over.

No, that didn’t seem like him. He would have invited me to play with him instead.

Should I say something?

“So,” he beat me to it. I wasn’t surprised. The silence was probably getting to him too. “you said you need my phone?”

“Oh yeah, right.” I diverted my attention back on the main reason why I was here in the first place. “I need your phone to call Christine. She blocked my number and refused to see me. I need to let her know how sorry I--”

“That doesn’t sound like a good idea, Dick.” Michael shook his head in disapproval but handed me his phone anyway. “Whatever it was you said to her, I really think you should wait it out. Let her be upset. It’s healthy that way, you know?”

I took his phone from his grip. “But she was also really upset that I didn’t put enough effort in my apology for missing her play. Maybe if she sees that I went out of my way to borrow someone’s phone just so I could reach her, then maybe she’ll consider my apology.”

Michael shrugged, but he didn’t look happy. “She’s probably considering your apology already. Why jinx it?”

“I should might as well try.”

“Fine. That’s your decision.” He held his hands up in casual surrender. “Just don’t get angry if this blows up on your face. I still think my idea is better.”

“You always think your idea is better.”

“And I’m never wrong.”

I rolled my eyes but he just laughed and nudged me hard. I nudged him harder before focusing back on his phone. I looked through his list of contacts, ignored the fact that he named me Richie Rich, and when I realized that her number wasn’t saved, I took my own phone out and looked for it so I could dial it on Michael’s phone.

Then I pressed call.

I held my breath and leaned a bit away from Michael who was trying to press himself against my side to listen in on the conversation.

After the fifth ring, Christine finally answered the call and I swatted Michael away so I could breathe.

 _“Hello?”_ Her voice was soft and almost groggy as though she just woke up from a nap.

“Christine, it’s Dick.” I said right away. I didn’t want to miss and screw this chance up. “I just want to tell you how sorry I am for what I did and what I said. What happened there was fucked up and I shouldn’t have done that at all. You were upset and I was at fault, but I took my temper out on you when you least deserved it. I don’t know what else I could do to get you to forgive me but if it meant telling you the real reason why I didn’t make it to your play, then fuck it. I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything.”

Every single word just spilled out of me without a second thought. I couldn’t even remember everything I said as soon as they slipped past my lips.

The thick silence from the other line made the cold air creep up against my skin in sheer apprehension. With each passing second came a worrying voice in my head but all I could do was just wait for her response.

Then her next words struck me.

_“What are you doing with Michael’s phone?”_

“I-I um…” And just like that, my mind panicked in an instant. I wanted to think of a good logical excuse but the only words that rang in my head were _I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up._ I tried to get my mind to scream them away but I was at a loss for words. The air suddenly felt too warm and damp and my heart raced along with my incompetent thoughts.

I looked at Michael for help but then I remembered that he didn’t exactly know what was going on. He just stared back at me with his head slightly tilted in confusion. I didn’t even notice he had lit himself a joint until this very moment.

I tore my focus away from him and cleared my throat. “I just… found it.” I finally said.

Christine was quiet again.

But then after a few more seconds, she spoke up. “So after finding someone else’s phone, you just decided to use it for personal reasons?”

My panic worsened.

And I did the dumbest thing I could think of that could get me out of her suspicion.

I hung up.

I stared down at the phone for several more seconds but when she didn’t call back, I hated myself more than I already did.

“Goddammit!” I kicked the rug laid out under the coffee table and was about to hurl the phone across the room until I remembered that it wasn’t mine. I stopped and just handed it back to Michael who then gave me a weird look.

“Uhh, what just happened? You’re sweating bullets there.” He reached out to wipe a bead of sweat that rolled down my temple.

I threw my head back against my seat. “She has your number saved on her phone.”

From the corner of my sight, I saw him slap his forehead with a laugh. “Oh right! We exchanged numbers that one time because we were in the same group for this project we worked on. My bad.”

“Fucking hell, Michael.” I snatched the joint from his fingers and took a long desperate drag from it.

Fuck my life.

I heard Michael chuckle in clear amusement before he took the joint back in his hand. “But hey, this isn’t entirely my fault. You shouldn’t have hung up on her. You’ve gotta be more chill, buddy.”

I scowled. “Don’t you think I know that?”

He clicked his tongue and shook his head. “I feel bad for Christine.”

I ran my hand over my face and groaned before pushing my glasses back up to the bridge of my nose. Not only did I hang up on her, but now she was probably wondering why I even had Michael’s phone with me in the first place. If Jake wasn’t true to his word and actually told people that I was dating Michael, then it was most likely that it reached Christine. I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea.

_I’m not gay. I don’t like Michael that way. I don’t want her thinking that I do._

I felt drained and I didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I changed the topic.

I looked back at my only companion who was taking another drag from his beloved joint. “What about you, huh? Have you professed your oh-so-undying love for your best friend?”

Michael laughed at that and shrugged his shoulders, not meeting my stare. “Nah.”

That didn’t surprise me.

“Why not?”

He just shrugged again, but it came off uncomfortable this time. “I dunno. I just didn’t feel like it.”

He wasn’t very convincing. He was so determined of his decision back then. He was hiding something, that’s what I was getting from his vibe.

“So you wimped out in the end.” I concluded.

Michael didn’t look bothered by what I said and just smiled. “Pretty much.”

“Was it because he was talking about Christine a lot and that just didn’t seem like the right mood?”

“Kinda. She’s all he ever talks about, but that’s how he always is when he’s in love.”

I scoffed. “Yeah, but that’s also how _you_ are when you’re in love. Jeremy’s all you ever talk about.” I was surprised at how my tone didn’t feel and sound right but that was probably because I was merely in a rotten mood for what happened earlier.

Michael pondered on that for a second or two. “Do I really talk about him that much?”

That made me ponder about it too.

Now that I’ve thought about it, he hadn’t been talking about his best friend as much as he used to do in the first few months we were friends. The last time he mentioned him was when he told me about his decision to tell him how he felt. But after that, he rarely mentioned him at all. Maybe he did already tell him but got turned down so now he was too humiliated to tell me about it. That was justifiable, I guess. I probably would have done the same thing if I was in his shoes.

Michael’s voice then pulled me out of my contemplation. “I don’t think I’ve been talking about him as much as I used to.”

“Did something happen?” I asked.

“No. I dunno.” Now he looked lost in his own thoughts. He leaned over and put his joint out on what looked like a large D10 dice display but was really a secret ashtray. He then pulled back and slipped his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, still not facing me for some reason. The only time he ever shied away from eye contact was when we weren’t particularly close before. But now he was acting like he just met me and didn’t know what kind of icebreaker to use.

He then continued. “I just felt like something changed when I was about to admit that I liked him.”

I furrowed my brows in concern. “Changed?”

“I have no idea what changed though. Or maybe I just really did wimp out since he was praising Christine so much. I probably didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.”

That sounded possible. “Yeah, that’s probably it.” I agreed.

And just like what happened when I got here, the very same tensed silence filled the air around us. Michael made no move to light a second joint and that was already way out of character for him. I didn’t know what else to talk about. He seemed too serious for me to bring up anything light, and I didn’t want to bring up Christine again unless I wanted to be reminded of how much of a fucking coward I was.

But like always, Michael was the first one to break the unwanted silence again.

“You patched things up with Rob?”

“Um,” I was uncomfortable. “Yeah.”

“That’s good.”

The silence made its undesired return.

Looking at it now, I wanted to tell him about what happened with my brother. Michael seemed like the perfect person to talk to about it, but I was already kinda embarrassed for telling him everything about my mom. Revealing all of that to him made me feel uneasy and naked, even. It was something I refused to tell anyone about aside from my own family, even when my own family didn’t like to talk about it.

“Hey,” Michael tugged on the edge of his sleeve again. “You don’t… like Christine, right? And I mean in a more-than-a-friend kind of like?”

I could never understand people’s curiosity in how I felt about Christine.

“Everyone seems to think that I do. But…” I hesitated, then shook my head. “I don’t think so.” I didn’t sound as convincing as I wanted to.

“You don’t _think_ so?” He finally glanced at me, but the look on his face was bordering on unreadable.

“I don’t know. I like her but I don’t know how much I like her. Why are you even asking me that?”

He looked away again. “Just wanted to be sure.”

“For what?”

Michael didn’t answer right away, but he was tugging the drawstrings of his hoodie this time-- almost nervously. He looked really conflicted and that confirmed my suspicion that he really was hiding something from me.

I raised a brow at him. “You’re acting really weird.”

He made an attempt to laugh it off. “What are you talking about? I always act like this.”

“You’re being fidgety.”

Michael then shot a surprised glance at me as though my observation threw him off-guard. He opened his mouth but when no words came out, he clamped it shut and looked away. He scratched the back of his neck and murmured something incomprehensible.

Wow, he was _really_ acting weird. This was the first time I’ve seen him this tensed and somewhere in the back of my mind, I was enjoying it a bit. I didn’t know why but I did.

But before I could try and convince him to just tell me whatever was going through his head, he sighed sharply as though in determination and darted his eyes back at me.

“Okay, I’ll say this quickly. It’ll be like putting on a bandaid.”

“Don’t you mean ripping off a bandaid?”

“I like you.”

“Well yeah, I sure hope so. It’d be weird to be friends with someone you don’t like.”

“No!” He scooted closer to me, his hands shaky. “I mean I like you in a sense that…” He then gestured his hand vaguely in the air. “...I want to kiss you.”

That’s when I immediately drew back away from him, trying to catch at least a single trace of humor on his face. He _had_ to be joking after all. Michael was never innocent when it came to pulling pranks on me and I was so sure that this was one of his clever tricks. But after seeing how his face was darker and redder than usual and how he kept clenching and unclenching the fabric of his hoodie in his tight grip, I realized how serious he was about what he said.

And I had no idea how to feel or react to that.

“You,” I swallowed. “want to kiss me again?”

“It’s all I think about lately.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know!” He sounded just as confused and embarrassed as I was as he ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s weird. I’ve never been this interested in something as sappy as kissing before, you know? But what makes it weirder is that I don’t want to kiss anyone else but…” He gestured vaguely again, his eyes looking at anywhere but me.

“But… that makes no sense.” I frowned. I was still in the process of connecting the dots because this was all too suspiciously sudden.  “Just a few days ago, you were so ready to tell Jeremy you like him. And now that you’ve wimped out, you decided to like me instead?”

“What, no!” Michael shook his head-- almost frantically so. “It’s not like that at all!”

“It does sound like that.” Everything was falling into place now, I realized. “Didn’t you say so yourself that I’m just a substitute for Jeremy?”

“But that was a joke!”

Now that I’ve thought about it, those times when we kissed only actually happened because Michael was upset about Jeremy. The first time it happened, he told me about how disappointed he was of Jeremy’s reaction to him coming out. When he told me that he wanted to kiss me after our game out in the snow, we were _just_ talking about Jeremy. And then on New Year’s Eve, Jeremy sent him a text message about the gift he planned on giving Christine.

All this time, I have been nothing but a convenient distraction for Michael to avoid his feelings for his own best friends. And now that he was certain that Jeremy was far head over heels for Christine, he decided to make a safe decision and try to be with someone who had agreed to kiss him more than once-- who found it difficult to say no to him most of the time.

That’s what I was to Michael-- a distraction and eventually, a safe option.

But I really should have seen that coming. I knew what I was signing up for when I agreed to hang out with him, but I didn’t think it was going to hit me this hard.

I breathed in slow.

“You don’t like me. You like Jeremy.” I told him just to let him know that I wasn’t an idiot.

Michael ran his fingers through his dark hair again. “I _did_ like Jeremy. But things changed and--”

“And what? You realized that your straight best friend is way out of your league so you latch onto his substitute instead?”

Michael froze, speechless. Then a shaky lackluster smile spread across his lips and he drew back from me, his hand coming up to wipe the sweat off of his forehead. “T-This isn’t turning out the way I thought it would.”

I scowled at him. “Did you think I won’t be able to say no to you again? That I would just go with the flow like I always do?”

Michael just shook his head and turned away from me. It looked like he didn’t want to talk anymore. He was embarrassed. I would have felt bad if it wasn’t for the fact that he was just using me to ignore how he really felt about Jeremy.

I stood up and I looked down at him. “Am I just a distraction to you?”

He still couldn’t look at me. He looked so uncharacteristically timid, but if he didn’t want to tell me anything then so be it.

“I’m leaving.”


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: suicidal thoughts for this chapter and the following one

# FIFTY

Some asshole honked the horn of his car as long as he could after he almost hit me. It was my fault for turning around the corner on my bike without looking, but I didn’t feel like gesturing an apology. I was still so beyond furious with what just happened at Michael’s that I flipped the bird at the driver instead. But when he got pissed and stepped out of the car, I quickly rode away.

I had no idea why everything was happening all at once. And I couldn’t understand why I reacted poorly to every one of them.

Christine didn’t deserve to get snapped at and have her interest belittled like what I did, especially after everything she had done just to be as invested in my own interests. 

Michael didn’t deserve to have his feelings not be taken seriously when it clearly took a lot of guts for him to admit what he felt like he had to admit.

Rob didn’t deserve to feel like nobody in his family was on his side. Maybe if I tried harder and stood up for him, he wouldn’t have to run away.

My entire life was cruelly based on poorly thought out decisions.  _ I  _ was the problem-- not them. Something was wrong with me. Maybe this was why my own mom couldn’t be bothered to stay alive for me. She knew I was just as beyond repair as she was.

I didn’t want to exist.

I wished I never existed at all.

I didn’t want to live in a world where even my own mother-- as brave and brilliant as she was-- couldn’t survive in.

I need to get out.

My mind was going bad again.


	51. Chapter 51

# FIFTY-ONE

I needed a relative. I didn’t have Rob by my side anymore so I needed someone else.

I didn’t want to wake up in the hospital again with dad crying his eyes out next to me.

I couldn’t bring myself to make him and Rob go through all that again.

I needed dad. Maybe he could calm me down.

The more I held myself back from breaking, the tighter my insides achingly felt. Hot tears were already spilling down my cheeks as I sped past through our neighborhood. I needed to get to dad as fast as I could before I end up changing my mind. I needed someone close to me.

Dad will make everything better.

Please make everything better.

But when I got home, I found the door to Rob’s room busted open.

And dad was inside, looking around the almost empty space. When he found me, I stood still. His face was rigid and his jaw was clenched tight like he was ready to explode in a second. I knew what was going through his mind but I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want him to know that I just let his eldest son run off with his now-boyfriend without telling a single word to him.

That wasn’t what I needed right now.

“Dad,” I managed to croak out through my pathetic tears. “my mind is getting--”

“Richard,” dad’s voice was cold and quiet. It was almost like a threatening whisper. I didn’t like it. I’d much rather have him fake a perky persona than this. “where’s your brother?”

He could see me crying, but that was the least of his concerns. He was going to hit me. I could feel it coming. He needed to hit someone and I was the closest one to him right now.

I could feel my heart thumping painfully in my chest as my brain throbbed with difficulty.

I shook my head. “I… I don’t know.”

Dad wasn’t convinced. “Where did Robin go?”

“I really don’t know.” I was telling the truth. I knew he left, but I didn’t know where he went. I knew that wouldn’t be good enough for dad though.

Dad walked closer to me. “Don’t make me ask you again.”

I stood frozen on my spot. My eyes stung and hot sweat stuck to my skin.

I needed to get back on track because if I let this push on, I might do something that would be far too late for me to take back.

“Dad, my mind is getting bad again.” I finally said.

For a second, I could have sworn I caught a fleeting look of concern nearly washed over dad’s anger. But it was so fast that I was almost convinced that I imagined it. Instead, his face twisted in immense impatience and he raised his hand.

I banged onto the wall the second the back of his palm struck the side of my face. My glasses flew far away from my reach. My cheek stung.

“I’m not an idiot, Richard!” He bellowed at me. “Where the hell is your brother? Tell me right this instant!”

“I don’t know!” I screamed back at him, my breaths ragged and harsh. “I really don’t know!”

He raised his hand at me again and I winced like the fucking coward that I was. I was a pathetic crying mess.

 _“Fuck!”_ Dad screamed and hit the wall instead.

Without even bothering to give me another glance, he stormed off. I heard him grab his keys from the living room and he left the house-- slamming the front door shut on his way out.

And then I was alone.

With my own thoughts.

Again.

I could feel the excruciating panic and the sense of hopelessness building up inside me. It was a feeling I haven’t I had in a long time and the mere thought of having it again struck terror within me. My breathing was growing even more rapid and shallow as I willed myself to stand up, my knees weak and almost ready to buckle underneath me until I balanced myself on the wall.

I was gasping in for air as much as I could and yet, I still felt like I couldn’t breathe at all.

Even to my own dad, I was just a second thought.

That’s what I have always been to everyone.

Nobody would even notice if I just stopped existing. Michael had Jeremy. Christine had her theatre friends. Rob had Jevonne.

I had nobody.

_No. No. No. Don’t think like that. Your head is messing with you. You’re just going to that bad place again. Don’t go to that bad place. Don’t go to that bad place._

But what was the point?

Nobody cared whether or not my mind was going to that bad place again. Rob didn’t care enough to stay. Dad didn’t care enough to control his rage over Rob.

Mom would have cared.

Mom was the only one who ever really understood me.

And they took her away from me. She felt the exact same thing I felt-- nobody cared enough. She took the easy way out. The reason why she woke me up before she left was because she wanted me to join her eventually.

That must be it.

I stopped liking this place when she stopped existing in our lives.

Maybe if I leave, I’ll stop existing to everyone else too and that would make everything easier for them.

I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and hurried over to my room.

I needed to get out.

With absolute desperation, I searched every nook and cranny of my room for that one object I hid somewhere that could help me get out of here. I knocked off everything I had on my desk. I turned my mattress over. I ripped down the blinds of my windows. I threw out everything I could find in my closet.

But I still couldn’t find it.

My sight was getting blurry from my crying and I wiped my tears away in frustration.

The last thing I haven’t checked was under my bed.

That must be where it was.

Without wasting any more time, I slid down the floor and reached underneath my bed. I yanked out a few old comic books and vintage board games until my hand brushed against something familiar.

I pulled out a shoebox.

No, it was _the_ shoebox.

I didn’t know why but seeing it somehow eased my nerves down. I was still shaky, but not as bad as a few seconds ago.

I lifted the lid off and found the gray oblong pill still inside.

 _‘It’s supposed to make people like you. Life is so much easier now and I’m sure it can help you too.’_ Jevonne’s words about the SQUIP rang inside my head.

I picked it up and stared at it.

I’ve seen what it did to Jevonne. He became a better person. Just like what he said, maybe it can help me too.

Maybe I didn’t want to stop existing. Maybe I just wanted people to know I exist.

Perhaps that’s what I’ve been feeling this whole time. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have kept this pill around for this long.

I didn’t want to end up like my mom. I didn’t want to be a faded memory.

I just wanted to be anyone else but myself.

I kept the SQUIP in my grip and rushed out of my room, heading straight for the kitchen. I opened the fridge and just as I thought, dad restocked it himself. He must have decided to stop drinking because instead of cans of beer, he bought cans of Mountain Dew instead. I grabbed a can and popped it open.

I then stared down at the pill again.

I had nothing to lose. Dad was probably gonna come back to kill me himself, so I should might as well do the last thing I ever saw myself doing.

I popped the pill into my mouth and swallowed it down with Mountain Dew.

I put the can down on the counter and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Nothing happened.

Jevonne sure must be having a fucking laugh right now. I groaned and harshly knocked the can off the counter, its content spilling down on the floor. I lifted myself up on the counter stool and buried my face in my hands. I didn’t know what else to do. My mind was no longer getting bad again, but I also just swallowed the one thing that somehow always calmed me down whenever Rob wasn’t around.

I was left with nothing.

Dad will come back after his search for Rob and I’ll be here as his punching bag.

I should might as well prepare myself for the kind of life Rob left me with.

I decided to at least clean up the mess I made before dad comes back.

But just as I was about to stand up from my seat, a sudden sharp sting pricked the side of my neck. I almost lost my balance but I managed to hold onto the counter. I stood still. The pain was only there for a second. It was almost like it didn’t happen.

Was that the pill?

What the fuck did Jevonne give me?

After waiting it out for another few seconds, I shook my head and made a move to reach for the paper towels.

But the sharp sting returned and it went straight up from the back of my neck to my head this time. Pain launched through my abdomen and wracked up my brain over and over again. Agonizing spasms within my body increased in waves and I could hear myself screaming as I crashed down onto the puddle of soda. Everything inside me stung and burned both at the same time.

Something was wrong.

That pill was doing something to me.

Then I heard a voice.

It was almost faint, but I recognized it immediately.

**_“Calibration in process. Please excuse some mild discomfort.”_ **

That sounded like--

“Mom?!” I yelled out in desperation, shooting upright and looking around. I could have sworn I heard her. It sounded like she was just right behind me.

But then the spasms came rushing back and I screamed out again.

**_“Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated.”_ **

That sounded _exactly_ like my mom, except it wasn’t her.

What the fuck was that?!

“Don’t fuck with me!” I yelled, grabbing onto the counter and lifting myself up. “If I find you--”

**_“Discomfort level may increase.”_ **

The excruciating spasms devoured my entire body and I broke down onto the floor, writhing and screaming. This was becoming too much for me. I couldn’t handle it. It was as if I was being burned alive from the inside. I clawed at my skin in a stupid attempt to scratch the pain out but it didn’t do anything but leave angry red marks on my arm.

 ** _“Accessing neural memory.”_** The voice continued as though it held little regard to what was happening to me. **_“Accessing muscle memory. Access procedure complete.”_**

The pain faded and everything was quiet.

Until I heard her voice again.

But it was much clearer and closer now.

And I realized it was in my head this whole time.

 ** _“Rich Goranski.”_** It greeted me. **_“Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor._** ** _Your SQUIP._** ** _”_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that completes Just a Blip on the School Social Map! 
> 
> Thank you everyone for putting up with this fic and its late updates lol I am also absolutely happy and grateful that a lot of people enjoyed this fic and created fanworks for it! I appreciate all of your support!
> 
> I actually wrote 2 bonus chapters but it would be weird to end it there and I wanted the main focus to be the ending first so let me know what you think!
> 
> Thank you so much!! And may your love for Rich Goranski live on 8D


	52. CHRISTINE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are the bonus chapters! 
> 
> Please note that in this specific chapter, it is set on the exact following day after Christine had her hair cut for the first time. So this was before Jeremy had a crush on her. Another note is that I don't share the same ideals/beliefs/thoughts the characters have here. Okay, that is all! :D

# CHRISTINE

Dick thought nothing of my haircut. But that wasn’t new, right? He rarely voiced out his opinions about anything unless they were brimming with boundless negativity. That boy needed more hugs in life. I wanted to not think about it that much. I shouldn’t care because as long as I liked how my new hairstyle looked on me, then that should be good enough.

Or at least that’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself day by day.

“You really shouldn’t have had it cut.” Madeline twirled her finger around a few strands of my hair. She pouted her perfectly glossed lips and sighed. “Now your face looks chubbier than it already is. At least with your long hair down, it could have framed your face just enough to make it look slim.”

I didn’t like talking about my hair with my friends anymore. I knew well enough that they didn’t like it the second I walked into homeroom. If only the school would allow it, I would have worn my jacket and kept my hood up all day.

I tried to smile it off though as I gently pushed my friend’s hand away. “That’s what the hairdresser told me too.” He really did say that but I only thought that was what hairdressers would always say every time someone wanted to have their really long hair cut short. But now, I understood that he was genuinely concerned about my decision and I could see why. I brushed my hair with my fingers so that it hung over my ears and kept a shadow over the round shape of my face.

Madeline clicked her tongue in clear disapproval. “And you should’ve listened to him. I can’t believe you made a haircut decision without talking to me first.”

“It was on the spur of the moment!”  

“Think twice next time. I can see this widdle fat under here now.” To emphasize her point, she reached out and pinched the soft underside of my chin.

Discomfort immediately racked my body and I pulled away from her, managing to push out a laugh just in case she caught on how self-conscious I was getting. Luckily, she just laughed along with me and gave my cheek a pinch like she always did every time she found me endearing-- that’s what she explained when I asked her why she kept doing that.

"All right, I’ll see you later then.” She gave me a wink and a pat on the head. “Don’t go around deciding things without me.”

I just smiled at her and nodded my head.

Unlike me, Madeline was tall, slim, and always liked to get into trouble. People often wondered why we were even best friends to begin with but I never liked paying them any mind. I liked Madeline. Yes, she can be a bit mean at times but I couldn’t deny that I had my moments as well. But that’s how it always was for friends who grew up together. We’ve seen the best and worst out of each other and still found a way to look over them regardless of our icky moments.

Today was not an exception.

Madeline wanted me to lose weight. That may sound bad to others, but I knew that she was just looking out for my health. I understood and appreciated her concern. Maybe if I find the time, I’ll try to lose some weight just so she won’t have the need to fret over me anymore. She did join the theatre club for me; I should might as well return the favor.

I cleared my throat and brushed my hair again so that it could hide the sides of my face before making my way to my next class.

Mrs. Shadid was late for World History again.

So I wasn’t surprised to walk into a room full of students chattering loudly and sitting on wherever they pleased. I didn’t have a friend in this class specifically but that was mostly because I was arranged to sit on the far back row with only the window by my side and Michael by my other side. I had a feeling Michael didn’t really like to talk to me-- or to anyone else, really. I thought he just didn’t like me at first, but then I figured out that he just really wasn’t a very sociable type of guy no matter how nice he was.

He was like the carefree version of Dick.

But then I noticed that he wasn’t around today which meant I’ll be sitting alone.

Maybe he was late again.

I shrugged that thought off and walked over to my own seat, hoping Chloe won’t be in the mood to pick on me today. Fortunately, she let me pass by. I settled my backpack down and already pulled out my homework just in case Mrs. Shadid wanted us to submit it right at the start of class. I glanced at Michael’s empty seat, wondered if he was coming to class, then looked over at the occupied seat next to his.

The boy sitting next to his seat was probably the only boy he ever talked to.

It didn’t have to take a genius to know they were best friends.

I wondered what it was about him that made him an exception to Michael. I never got his name but I always noticed him in the halls. It was hard not to when he looked really shy for a guy of his height. He was the tallest kid in our World History class and yet, he had this odd slumped over posture like he didn’t want people looking at him.

In a way, I guess I could see where he was coming from.

I never minded if people looked at me but after my haircut, the last thing I wanted was people glancing at my direction and seeing how chubby I was. I always felt judged under their stares even though my weight probably never even crossed their minds.

I wished I was a kid again. Things were easier back then.

The boy’s eyes suddenly met mine and I jumped in my seat. I immediately looked away and pretended to busy myself with my homework, my hands moving around my desk in a frantic alarm. I reached for my pen so I could pass myself off as someone who was just hurrying herself in finishing her homework but my fingers merely brushed my pen and it slid off to the side.

Then it rolled to _him._

The boy who just caught me wordlessly staring at him.

I didn’t even mean to stare at him. I just happened to be looking at him when my mind wandered off somewhere.

This was the worst. I wanted to dig a hole, crawl inside it, and have myself buried alive.

I jolted up from my chair and made a quick step to pick the pen up myself, but he beat me to it. He just reached down easily and handed it back to me with a small almost reluctant smile.

“U-Um here.” His hand was shaking a bit.

I could feel the humiliated warmth rising up my cheeks as I took my pen from his grip. “T-Thanks!” I tried to laugh my embarrassment off again. But then a snort came out of it and I covered my lips.

He looked surprised by the sound that came out of my mouth and that just made me feel even worse. He looked like he didn’t know how to react and I didn’t _want_ to wait to know how he was going to react. So I turned around and rushed back to my seat. I lowered my head to let my hair shroud him from my sight as I pretended to write something down on my notebook.

We didn’t talk at all after that.

And I wanted to keep it that way.

Even when Mrs. Shadid finally arrived to start our class, Michael never came. And because Michael wasn’t there between us, I was far too aware of the boy next to his seat and just acknowledging his presence was enough for me to cringe at what just happened earlier.

I thought I’ve finally managed to control the snorts in my laughs after all these years! Why did that have to happen _in front of him?_

As always, Mrs. Shadid started our class with an icebreaker.

And today’s icebreaker required all of us to stand up one by one and say two nice things about the person next to us.

Since Michael wasn’t present, then that meant his friend was obligated to say something nice about me. Gee! I couldn’t think of a _better timing_ than today!

_Oh Michael, where in the world are you?_

“Mr. Heere, it’s your turn.” Mrs. Shadid smiled at the boy and gestured for him to stand up. I glanced at him once just to show that I was paying attention before looking back down at my notebook, not wanting to meet his eyes for the second time. My pulse was rushing. My head was reeling. My face was flushing.

 _What is this feeling?_  
_Fervid as a flame_ _  
Does it have a name?_

_No wait! Focus, Christine! Don’t start singing in your head again!_

I heard him clear his throat more than once. The class was eerily quiet. I didn’t have the courage to look up at him. I knew my snort was the only thing going through his mind right now. What else could he think about me when the only interaction we’ve ever had resulted to me being a humiliating pile of mess?

“Well?” Mrs. Shadid prompted patiently. “What are two nice things you like about Ms. Canigula?”

“A-Ahm… err… I uh...” He stalled, clear jitters in his tone.

“Squeak up, Jerry.” I heard Chloe say which earned a few laughs from our classmates.

“Ms. Valentine, please.” Mrs. Shadid sighed tiredly. “Go on, Mr. Heere.”

“I-I… guess…” The boy cleared his throat again. “I guess her new haircut looks pretty on her.”

“Pervert.” Chloe commented.

But I didn’t pay attention to her this time. I found myself looking up at the boy instead and when I caught him glancing at me at the same time, he immediately looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. His face was completely red all the way up to his ears. He looked…

...just as nervous as I was.

He liked my haircut.

That was a first.

“Ms. Canigula does look nice with her hair short.” Mrs. Shadid agreed with a warm smile to my direction. “You look like a beautiful pixie.” I felt even shyer as I smiled back at her and pushed a few strands of my hair to the back of my ear.

“T-Thank you…”

“What else, Mr. Heere? What’s the second nice thing you could say about her?”

I looked at the boy again but he wouldn’t look at me anymore. He really was a shy kind of guy, huh?

He rubbed the back of his neck for the second time. “I uh… I think she has a nice laugh.”

I felt my heart flicker and my skin tingle at that. Mrs. Shadid finally let him go and directed the attention on me which meant it was my turn to say two nice things about the kid sitting on the very first row which was Chloe. But even as I stood up and tried to think of something nice to say about her, my mind just kept going back to what that boy said about me.

He liked my new haircut.

And he liked my laugh.

Those were the two things my friends didn’t like about me. Those were the two things I desperately wanted to change.

But now knowing there were still other people out there that shared my thoughts about myself, then maybe I was worrying over nothing.

“Earth to Ms. Canigula?” Mrs. Shadid’s voice brought me out of my reverie. “Are you still with us?”

“Huh? What?” I blinked a few times until I remember where I was. “O-Oh! Right! Chloe is beautiful and attractive.” I said quickly to get it over with and sat back down.

Chloe breathed out a laugh. “Tell us something we don’t know, am I right ladies?”

"Right!" Brooke encouraged.

Mrs. Shadid started our class after that, but I couldn’t bring myself to concentrate. All I could think about was the fact that _he_ liked my hair and my laugh. And every time I thought about it, the more I got that fluttering feeling inside my stomach.

I was just so happy.

I tried to sneak a glance at him but when I did, I caught him doing the same thing and we both just flinched together.

I felt silly but not embarrassed anymore. I just giggled and smiled at him.

Much to my surprise, he smiled back. Although a bit awkward, it was still a smile.

And that feeling fluttered wilder in my stomach.

_He has such a cute smile._


	53. TEENAGE ROCKSTAR SPLENDORS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick preview of the first chapter of Teenage Rockstar Splendor-- sequel to Just a Blip!

# (SEQUEL) TEENAGE ROCKSTAR SPLENDORS

Immense summer heat bounced off the streets and caused my already drenched shirt to cling to my skin in sweaty desperation. With a grunt, I pushed myself away from underneath the car and sat up on the skateboard I’ve been lying on for nearly twenty minutes. I ran my fingers through my hair and my scalp felt disgustingly greasy under my touch.

I really needed a fucking bath.

And the fact that I still haven’t had a haircut didn’t help at all. I had to tie it in a short low ponytail just so it would stop flying to my face.

Dad had only been using Rob’s truck to go to work these days because he somehow couldn’t fix Blue. But recently, he was being ridiculously whiny about it. He said fixing Blue was a two-man job and we didn’t have the money to send it to a repair shop.

So guess how I was spending my weekend?

Dad walked into the garage with a bottle of water which he handed to me. I nodded him a thanks and chugged on the bottle as if my life depended on it. The cold liquid felt welcoming to my dry throat. I wiped my lips with the back of my hand before handing the bottle back to my dad.

“You’ve been doing a good job so far.” He looked pleased.

I tugged and folded the sleeves of my shirt in an attempt to let in more breeze to my body. “I would have been doing a better job if you quit taking a break every five minutes.”

“Age does that to a man.” Dad put the bottle down on the desk nearby. “You’re still a kid. You don’t get tired easily.”

I scowled at that. “Dad, do you see how tired I look right now?”

“Take a break, kid.”

I rolled my eyes, knowing that my words will always fly over my dad’s head no matter how much I talked. I stood up and took my glasses off before reaching for the end of my shirt so I could wipe the sweat off my face with it.

“It’s good that you’ve found your gramp’s old workout equipment in the attic.” Dad said, leaning back against his car and crossing his arms over his chest. “Maybe when school starts, you can try out for sports. It could help you secure a good scholarship.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

Ever since I started using my grandpa’s workout equipment, I’ve been feeling physically better than before. I was losing that unwanted flab in my stomach and I stopped getting tired easily. Aside from that, I also started eating better. I avoided junk foods and made sure to consume what was right for my body. I guess it helped with my temper too but that was kinda hard to say because the only person I’ve only talked to so far was my dad and it was hard _not_ to get pissy around him.

“What do you want for dinner?” Dad moved away from his car.

He had been working on his cooking these days. He was still bad at it, but there was some improvement.

“I dunno.” I shrugged. “Anything with meat ith fine with me. Maybe-- _ow fuck!_ ”

A sharp sting suddenly pricked my spine and traveled up to my head, excruciating pain throbbing around my skull for a quick second before it completely disappeared. I pressed my hand on the car to regain my balance, still catching myself from that rapid shock.

Dad was quick to my side.

“Dick! What’s wrong?”

I swallowed. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

**“It appears we still have a long way to go with your speech, Rich.”**

My SQUIP’s voice sounded very disapproving in my head and for a moment, I felt embarrassed for letting my lisp slip out that easily. My SQUIP had been helping me speak without it every single day and to let it slip just because I was tired was bordering on pathetic. I was better than that. I couldn’t let our efforts get flushed down the drain so easily.

 _“Sorry.”_ I mentally replied to it with a grimace. It could hear my thoughts pretty well so I didn’t have the need to voice out my response to it.

My dad didn’t look convinced. “Are you sure?”

“I said I’m fine, dad. I’m not a kid. Sheesh.” I brushed his hand away when he tried to reach out to me.

My lisp didn’t slip out this time. I should keep it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure when the sequel will be out but you can keep an eye out for it! I also talk about it more on my insta!
> 
> Also, check out the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/zlexi/playlist/3PGfNfoVQQZnWqFOB38vU7?si=gx2Nl6kfTR27X335tmEQKw) for this fic!
> 
> Thank you very much!


	54. (LINK TO THE SEQUEL)

**A/N:** I forgot to do this but I have posted the sequel to this fic! It will solely focus on Dick's journey of becoming Rich! 

[Link to the sequel here!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16084982/chapters/37563404)


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